The Body Never Lies

The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting

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The Body Never Lies

By: Alice Miller

Narrated by: Sara Clinton

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About this listen

An examination of childhood trauma and its surreptitious, debilitating effects by one of the world's leading psychoanalysts.

Never before has world-renowned psychoanalyst Alice Miller examined so persuasively the long-range consequences of childhood abuse on the body. Using the experiences of her patients along with the biographical stories of literary giants such as Virginia Woolf, Franz Kafka, and Marcel Proust, Miller shows how a child's humiliation, impotence, and bottled rage will manifest itself as adult illness - be it cancer, stroke, or other debilitating diseases. Never one to shy away from controversy, Miller urges society as a whole to jettison its belief in the Fourth Commandment and not to extend forgiveness to parents whose tyrannical childrearing methods have resulted in unhappy, and often ruined, adult lives. In this empowering work, writes Rutgers professor Philip Greven, "[listeners] will learn how to confront the overt and covert traumas of their own childhoods with the enlightened guidance of Alice Miller."

Abuse

Mental Health

Parenting & Families

Personal Development

Psychology

Psychology & Mental Health

Relationships

Health

Thought-Provoking

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This book is changing my life. I have been mostly housebound for nearly 20 years with M.E since becoming ill in my teens. There is no real help for M.E suffers in the UK. GPs and specialists will tell you they don't know what the cause is, give you some ineffective lifestyle advice and send you on your way. I've never stopped searching for an answer and have explored many paths.

It was when I started to research Narcissism (NPD) after an incredibly stressful experience with a housemate that led me to discover the symptoms of narcissistic abuse match that of M.E. I started learning about trauma and delving into my own childhood - which I thought had been fine. Whilst reistant to the idea at first, I discovered that my mother very obviously fit the description of covert narcissistic personality disorder. I went no contact with her and my condition improved for the first time in 16 years, but didn't go away. It became very much worse again when I found out she was dying and mistakenly got back in contact with her. Less than 2 years after her death, I was able to process her impact upon me as a child and the trauma it left me with, but again my illness didn't go away.

I then started to notice that I was experiencing worsening symptoms after every interaction with my father, who had appeared to be the better parent, affectionate, generous, supportive, sympathetic etc. I then realised by recording interactions with him that in fact he was an even more covert form of narcissist. Contrary to the nice-guy Dad of the year persona he put forward, in actual fact he was constantly intensely gaslighting me. He influenced my perspectives, always reframing what I had to say whenever I expressed a need or a problem and made me believe (in the nicest, most reasonable and convincing way possible) that any fault on his part was "all in my head". He wasn't able to hear that his domineering behaviour, constantly interrputing me, putting me into double binds, always needing to be right, denying, minimising or dismissing my needs and experience (etc) was hurting me. I didn't realise just how much until an upcoming family he would be attending triggered a sudden development of gastroparesis in the weeks leading up to it. My stomach shut down, I was no longer able to eat solid food, couldn't have a bowel movement, couldn't sleep, had severe tension and anxiety and rapidly started losing a lot of weight. It was like my body was shutting down and I was literally starting to die. I have read about this happening to people with severe M.E, where sadly they have had to be fed through tubes and eventually starved to death (with doctors unable to find a physical cause). This was very alarming. When realising how toxic my father's behaviour actually was I tried to have an adult conversation with him about it, approaching him gently and compassionately, without blame, believing that he wasn't aware of what he was doing to me and wouldn't want to be unintentionally hurting me. His reaction was both astounding and revealing. He was completely unwilling to self-reflect, admit to any fault or take any responsibility for the situation. Suddenly the gaslighting became more extreme and obvious. He tried to convince me that there could be no connection between any of his behaviour and my illness and instead tried to persuade me I had cancer (I don''t and there was no reason to think so. I've been very thoroughly physically investigated for all sorts of things over the years trying to find an underlying cause and was in fact being seen as an outpatient for these latest developments at the time, cancer had already been eliminated as a possible cause, my symptoms didn't match) or that it was due to genetics - even though there was a clear correlation between interacting with him and my symptoms becoming worse AND in spite of the fact that he had been very happy to support the idea of my mother's behaviour causing my symptoms...I could go on.

Narcissism and childhood trauma and the consequential effects on health are something I've been studying informally for about 5 years, so to a degree there wasn't much new information in this book, however I have never found a single source of information that captures my experience so very perfectly and added depth and confidence to my understanding. It has helped me open up to seeing the full picture by removing the last barriers of "F.O.G" (fear obligation and guilt) that is the favourite manipulation technique of the narcissistic parent that keeps you trapped, unable to see them for what they really are and what they are still doing to you. To have the kind of clarity and support this book provides is absolutely invaluable. It has revealed so much and given me so many insights. Before reading it I was coming to terms with the idea of having to go no contact with my father, but this has absolutely confirmed that it is necessary for me to heal and the right decisions in my case, no matter what society thinks of it!

I am both astounded and ecstatic to report that I already experienced a release and the beginning of improvement in my symptoms within days of having this realisation. Alice Miller nails it in describing that all of my fatigue, all my chronic muscular tension and pain, all my disgestive dysfunction etc, comes from the denial of seeing my parents for what they really are, denying the truth of the impact of their behaviour upon me. That comes from the gaslighting and training of my parents to only see what they want me to see and believe their narrative that they love me and want the best for me. They don't. They had me to fix their lives and be the parent they never had and I should suppress myself and be the ever dutiful servant to their needs. I should tow the line, drink the coolaid and never ever dare to question their motives or think badly of them, because they are infallible, all-loving godly beings. Once you see through the lies they have told you, your body is no longer in tension between knowing the truth but not being able to reconcile that with what you are being told by your parents and having to keep it locked down tight, but then screaming out at you for attention with strange and debilitating symptoms. The truth was that I was still ill even after my mother's death, because I had an even more dangerous narcissitic still lurking in my life that I never ever suspected. One that was in fact slowly killing me. Though I am not cured overnight and I'm sure healing my complex post traumatic stress disorder will take time, I am shocked by how quickly improvement in my symptoms has occured after finally putting the last piece of the puzzle into place after two decades of severe illness. The truth really will set you free!

Check out Daniel Mackler on youtube for more on childhood trauma. His thinking is influenced by Alice Miller. I actually found him first, hence the ideas in her book not being entirely new to me. He has an excellent book called Breaking From Your Parents, which helps you deal with the taboo and the guilt around doing so when you have parents that are destroying your life, or in my case slowly killing you and you need to break away from the cult of the family you are living in, in order to heal. Also check out Richard Grannon on youtube if you suspect you are dealing with narcissistic parents or narcissistic relationships in your life because his material is also invaluable in helping you see and understand your situation for what it is (and advice of what to do about it). Lastly The Little Shaman on youtube is absolutely fantastic in helping you understand the mind of a narcissist and their behaviour.

Please read this book if you have M.E, it could save your life. But please read it even if you don't as you don't know how valuable being able to see your parents as flawed human beings and no longer idolising them really is. It will teach you a great deal about yourself and them. It is a gift that keeps on giving.

I am very disappointed that this is the only book by Alice Miller currently available on audible. Audiobook is certainly a much easier form for ill people to access and digest such powerful and vital information. I will add for anyone who is unwell that the writing style is very accessible and the book is quite short, so don't feel intimidated by it. If it helps you, please spread the word! No longer should seriously ill people be left to suffer without an answer!