It’s officially swim gym season, and the opening class happened last night in my backyard pool. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know every year about this time, I get fired up because the pool has finally warmed up enough that I can get in without chattering. David had to watch as a bunch of women in plus-size swimsuits took over his beautifully maintained pool, taking it down those pool stairs one careful step at a time.

Meanwhile, Remi’s back from school, Rocco’s planning a cruise without us, and I’m trying to figure out if Shep’s new toy is a frog or a turtle. We’ve settled on calling it turtle frog, though frog rolls off the tongue better when you’re yelling “go get your frog” across the house. Also, David may have misquoted Spinal Tap [it was Queen, btw] and broken into song three times in the first few minutes, which I politely asked him to dial back.

QUOTES WORTH HIGHLIGHTING

“Poor David has to look out at the pool that he so beautifully has doctored and made it absolutely crystal clear and see a bunch of women walking into the pool in plus-size swim dresses, taking it one step at a time.”

Setting the scene for what swim gym opening night actually looks like

“When the swim dress goes in, it kind of goes up and it floats up. And that’s your personal space, you know.”

The logistics of water aerobics that nobody talks about

TIMESTAMPS

0:00 - Technical difficulties and Melissa looking Amish

2:30 - Shep’s turtle frog toy mystery solved

4:00 - Swim gym season is officially here

5:15 - The exclusive membership requirements explained

7:45 - David’s perspective on pool takeover

10:20 - Swim dress logistics and personal space

12:30 - Remi’s back from Arkansas updates

15:45 - Rocco’s first solo cruise announcement

18:00 - Family dynamics and independence

22:15 - Three questions game begins

25:30 - David’s surprising Spinal Tap reference

28:45 - Melissa breaks into song again

31:00 - Pool maintenance meets water aerobics

34:57 - Wrap up and what’s next

LINKS MENTIONED

📝 Subscribe to Stretch Marks on Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

✨ Beautiful Yu Health Supplements: bit.ly/beautifulyu

📖 Melissa’s Book - Chicken-Fried Women: bit.ly/ChickenFriedWomen

WATCH OR LISTEN EVERYWHERE

📺 YouTube: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowYouTube

🎧 Apple Podcasts: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowApple

🎧 Spotify: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowSpotify

FOLLOW AND SUBSCRIBE

📱 Instagram - @TheRadkeShow: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowInstagram

📘 Facebook - The Radkes: bit.ly/TheRadkesFacebook

📝 Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

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SHOW NOTES

Car accidents, driving records, Melissa’s full history of vehicular incidents, and the definitive marriage debate over who is the Passenger Princess and who is the Driver Douche. EP 77 covers a lot of ground, and all of it is moving.

Melissa was in a serious car accident when a woman ran a stop sign and hit David’s truck. Shep was in the vehicle and flew across to the door. Melissa was taken by ambulance. Remi texted from home to ask what really happened because she knows her mother’s track record. That track record gets its full airing this episode: the first day of tenth grade, when she plowed into a truck while reaching for her lipstick, dragging a large black dog the entire length of Timberland Drive on a Friday night drag, and running over a full-size console television that fell off the back of a truck and sent sparks everywhere. David then presents his own list. The Passenger Princess segment covers everything from sleeping between driveways to refusing gas-station food to asking David to put her in the car like Kevin Costner did Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard, which he obliged at the Piggly Wiggly. The sketch closes with accident-report phrases that also sound like marriage milestones.

QUOTES WORTH HIGHLIGHTING

“You might be a Passenger Princess if you are asleep between home and the church. You might be a Driver Douche if you listen to a business audiobook on 1.75x speed while your wife is trying to sleep.”

Melissa and David, presenting both sides of the argument

“David would put his hand on top of my head and push me into the car like Kevin Costner did with Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard. It doesn’t have the same luster when you ask him to do it at the Piggly Wiggly.”

Melissa, on the celebrity car entry ritual that did not survive the suburbs

LINKS MENTIONED

📝 Subscribe to Stretch Marks on Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

✨ Beautiful Yu Health Supplements: bit.ly/beautifulyu

📖 Melissa’s Book - Chicken-Fried Women: bit.ly/ChickenFriedWomen

WATCH OR LISTEN EVERYWHERE

📺 YouTube: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowYouTube

🎧 Apple Podcasts: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowApple

🎧 Spotify: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowSpotify

FOLLOW & SUBSCRIBE

📱 Instagram - @TheRadkeShow: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowInstagram

📘 Facebook - The Radkes: bit.ly/TheRadkesFacebook

📝 Subscribe to Stretch Marks on Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

ARE YOU READY TO BECOME AN INSIDER?

Become a paid subscriber to Stretch Marks and get:

• Weekday POV Audio Messages

• Twice-monthly We’re Here for You Wednesday advice podcasts

• Monthly paid-only posts

• Community access for real conversation

Subscribe for $9/month or $90/year: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

SHOW NOTES

Remi in Washington, DC, GLP-1 perfume addiction, a viral TikTok about homely children, and Melissa asking her Aunt Melba on a packed MD Anderson elevator if they were still going to shower together when they got back to the hotel. Welcome to the Plethora Episode.Remi has been accepted into a National Security seminar in Washington, DC, alongside attorneys, former law enforcement officers, and Ivy League students. Gene's instructions were specific: if Trump asks you to be his intern, say no sir, and walk off. A woman on GLP-1 told her doctor she had become addicted to perfume, and he said she was his fifth patient to say that. Melissa then listed every scented product currently in her bathtub, bedroom, and laundry room. Melissa's 4.5 million-view TikTok about whether parents know if their child is homely reached what David now calls the Cuckoo Ring, the outermost layer of viewers who arrive just to be angry. A fan named Gracie left Pixel Perfect photo magnets in Melissa's green room after a speaking event in Katy, Texas. David set up the joke so well that Melissa did not notice it for two full minutes. The episode closes with a collection of social bits you can use in awkward situations, including elevator button etiquette and the art of the completely unrelated, speaking of which.

QUOTES WORTH HIGHLIGHTING

“Poppy told me that if I happen to bump into Trump and he asks me to be his intern, I’m supposed to say, no sir, and turn around and walk off.”

Remi, relaying Gene’s very specific Washington, D.C. instructions

“She goes to her doctor and says, I’ve actually recently become addicted to perfume. And he says, yeah, that happens a lot. She says, wait, what? And he says, “ You’re probably my fifth patient to tell me that.”

Melissa, on the GLP-1 perfume addiction story that described her life perfectly

LINKS MENTIONED

🎵 Melissa's Viral TikTok - Do Parents Know If Their Child Is Homely?: bit.ly/HomelyKids

📝 Subscribe to Stretch Marks on Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

✨ Beautiful Yu Health Supplements: bit.ly/beautifulyu

📖 Melissa’s Book - Chicken-Fried Women: bit.ly/ChickenFriedWomen

Also Mentioned This Episode

🧲 Pixel Perfect Magnets by Gracie (custom photo magnets): pixelperfectmagnets.com

📺 The Chestnut Man on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81039388

WATCH OR LISTEN EVERYWHERE

📺 YouTube: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowYouTube

🎧 Apple Podcasts: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowApple

🎧 Spotify: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowSpotify

FOLLOW & SUBSCRIBE

📱 Instagram - @TheRadkeShow: bit.ly/TheRadkeShowInstagram

📘 Facebook - The Radkes: bit.ly/TheRadkesFacebook

📝 Subscribe to Stretch Marks on Substack: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack

ARE YOU READY TO BECOME AN INSIDER?

Become a paid subscriber to Stretch Marks and get:

• Weekday POV Audio Messages

• Twice-monthly We’re Here for You Wednesday advice podcasts

• Monthly paid-only posts

• Community access for real conversation

Subscribe for $9/month or $90/year: bit.ly/MelissaRadkeSubstack