As the homeland goes to war once again, we pick over the state of the union and find it ... totally great, no problems, all good. Cheap eggs, too.

Really though, your hosts Matt and Mike play a quick game of two truths and a lie, and provide an urgent update for those of you with more than one passport.

Plus, is half of Royal Mail really stool and urine samples? We investigate. Because let's face it, nobody else is going to.

Get in touch: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

Today we're on a journey from Chicago to LA, via Indiana and New York, but as we know, all roads lead to ... Yorkshire.

Actor, Windy City native and improv scene veteran Derek Miller tells us about winning money off of Green Day, finding love on the high seas, Tim Burton's strangely normal affect and how he ended up being the only American in the village.

Derek shares his thoughts on the UK comedy scene and how he landed a gig playing himself on current affairs television.

Plus in news corner we ask why the Epstein scandal is claiming scalps in Britain but seems to have left all the powerful people back home completely untouched. Weird, huh?

We're making a list of who we should have on next. Get in touch: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

And read more about Derek here: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2479885/bio/

Was our good friend Tom Cruise forced from London by a smash-and-grab robbery, the relentless rain, or anti-Scientology villagers?

Matt and Mike take on an impossible mission: decoding the sourcing in a story that has enthralled the tabloid press.

In other news, we find that a Proud Boy punk plans to tour the UK later this month.

Plus practical updates: on Indefinite Leave to Remain, which banks actually accept American customers, and what are the British equivalents of Venmo, Craigslist and Depop?

Finally, should the politics be confined to our theme tune? Let us know: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

Read more on the Misfit Proud Boy: https://thedayofreckoning.substack.com/p/exclusive-proud-boy-punk-who-was

And on Tom Cruise: https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/met-police-tom-cruise-knightsbridge-flat-rolex-robbery-london-b1269206.html

Erich von Gehren survived the Beirut port explosion and after his dramatic brush with death decided to ... buy a pub in Hanwell.

He joins us this week to fill us in on all the details of a long, exciting career in the restaurant industry, and a much less exciting 1,000-page visa application.

The Duke of York, which Erich and his wife Lisa are refurbishing, is at 161 Uxbridge Road W7. It will be open the week after Easter, because to open on Easter weekend would be way too stressful.

And there's more information about Erich's cultural recommendation, the Hanwell Hootie, at www.hanwellhootie.co.uk.

All that, plus if you listen to the end you can see if Matt's proposed theme tune makes the cut?!

BAFTA-nominated film and TV editor Sacha Szwarc joins us in the studio to recall his first encounter with Matt, back when bowling in London was a bit of a thing. Even Prince Harry was into it!

Sacha's credits include Sherwood, Time, The Long Shadow, The Last Post, Des and most recently The Hack starring David Tennant - and before all that he was slinging pancakes and shooting films in a Parisian cafe devoted to American diner food.

We have some sage advice for yankee newbies hoping to steal our jobs, plus we catch up on events in the homeland and hecklers at the NBA's London game, which was won by ... who cares really?

The holidays are over and your hosts are picking over the leftovers.

Matt continues to make the case that pantomime is not really good for anybody involved, while somehow Mike managed to swerve the Boxing Day show.

We have reports and regrets from New Year's and wildly inaccurate predictions for 2026.

All that plus stories of mild family strife and peril, made worse by cross-cultural misunderstandings. Or maybe better? We can't tell? Because this is Britain and maybe it was all just irony?

Roll on new year.

Mike and Matt are back with a flaming festive cracker.

Yes, it's that time of the year again. The time when we ask questions like: What is bread sauce? When do you open your presents? What does cricket mean, and why do England lose it?

In a word, it's the season of The Snowman featuring David Bowie (but only in certain editions). And if you've never truly experienced the joy of a British Christmas, don't worry, by the end of this episode you'll be just as befuddled and tipsy as anyone else on these isles.

Plus, news from the homeland of extortionate World Cup tickets and a trade deal going south.

Merry Happy Christmas!

Mike and Matt talk holidays, particularly the best and most American holiday, as long as you're not a turkey. How did you spend your Thanksgiving Black Friday, mate?

This week also includes two new features: Relevant Recos - cultural tips for transatlantic types - and Visa Stories, the first of which is weirdly funny.

Later, a news update about an Ohio senator who wants Americans to pick one nationality and stick with it, no duals allowed. Is this idea as Moreno-ic as it sounds and will it stand a turkey's chance of surviving the holidays?

Plus, what British phrase makes you irrationally angry? Reddit has opinions, and so do your hosts.

All of that, plus Matt invokes the spirit of grunge for his latest attempt at a theme tune. Will it be better than the first one?