This week at the kitchen table, Jo and Stu are back doing what they do best: talking absolute nonsense and somehow making it make sense.

We kick things off by tackling the eternal misery that is January (apparently it’s the 45th… still), complete with Gerald making a return to represent the trudge. There’s also a serious(ish) discussion about glasses, maturity, and whether wearing specs is the only thing keeping things vaguely responsible.

Then things spiral—as they do—into another round of reviewing reviews. From baffling condom reviews that raise more questions than answers, to a bedside table apparently made with paper drawers (paper drawers?!), Jo brings her “creative facts” and Stu tries, valiantly, to ground us in reality.

Elsewhere, we debate what people even call a sat nav these days, get distracted by TV chat, and generally prove once again that leaving us unsupervised at the kitchen table is never a good idea.

If you enjoy husband and wife banter, British podcasts, empty nest life, relatable couples chat, and conversations that go wildly off track but somehow still make sense, you’re in the right place.

🎙️ New episodes every Friday

👍 Like, subscribe, and drop a comment — especially if you’ve ever left (or read) a completely ridiculous 1* review

🪑 Pull up a chair and join us at the kitchen table

TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 Coming up

00:42 Intro

01:19 Unfair and Hysterical 1* Reviews

11:42 Jo's in trouble for abusing cables

13:19 We have our first troll

13:48 Sebastian update

14:11 Jo disagrees with the Satnav

17:53 Bed problems

19:46 Traitors review

23:25 What we thought of Hijack (spoiler we loved it!)

25:27 We watch some very funny video clips

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Welcome back to the kitchen table! This week, Jo and Stu are navigating the highs and lows of the empty nest—mostly involving high sugar intakes and low-hanging cheese plants.

In this episode:

Plant ER: Meet Sebastian, our magnificent 6-foot cheese plant who has sadly caught "the thrips" (or "thrips," depending on who you ask). We’re doing some serious "thrip rubbing" to save him, but if you have any tips to keep Sebastian from going limp and yellow, please drop them in the comments!.

The Sweary Soften: Jo has officially announced she’s retiring her favourite insult for something more "gentle" she used in her youth. Out with the old, in with "Pillock"— though the transition hasn't been entirely F-bomb free.

Sugar Rehab: Jo comes clean about her rampant sugar addiction. From "therapy chocolate" during trips to Manchester to the "edgy" reality of a chocolate detox while wielding a kitchen knife, things are getting a bit sharp in the kitchen.

Yoga Tears: Why does a session of "downward dogging" with Yoga with Kassandra leave Jo in floods of tears?

Birthday Banter: It’s Stu’s birthday this Sunday! While the nest won't be empty for long as the kids return for a family dinner, the real mystery is the "inappropriate" gift list Stu suggested.

Empty Nest. Full Banter. Zero Filter. New episodes every Friday! Pull up a chair, hit subscribe, and join the chaos. 🪑✨

Are you over 50 and find yourself making "the noise" every time you bend down to pick something up? Let us know your theories on why it’s essential for gripping things!.

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Listen, we’ve all had a rough January, but Stu and Jo are currently navigating a post-Christmas hangover that involves burnt house plants, "moist" traitors, and a deep-dive into the criminal record of the Mr. Men. Jo’s still trying to figure out if a "meme" is a virus or an idea, while Stu is busy dodging nasal drips during "number ones". It’s 17 minutes of two people who have been married for 24 years finally realising they might be the "wrong uns."

Empty Nest. Full Banter. Zero Filter. Hit subscribe now to join the chaos.

TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 Intro

01:42 The "Double Busy" Incident: Stu’s nasal drip meets gravity.

02:37 Bedding Inferno: Why they’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and burning the evidence.

04:16 January Vibes: A horticultural tragedy involving a metaphorical flamethrower.

05:38 NHS Reality Check: Mum Expected a brass band

06:59 The "Moist" Traitor: Why Steven’s sweatiness is a total giveaway.

07:34 Mr. Tickle’s Cancellation: Rebranding a "wrong un" for 2026.

08:50 Mr. Bump’s Scam: Investigating the impossible accidents of a fictional circle.

09:28 Mr. Daydream & Revisited: What about the school fines.

11:20 Unhinged 1 star review

11:47 Translation Fails

14:45 The AI Dog Dance: Jo's delighted by dancing dogs.

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#emptynestfullbanter #podcastshow #comedy

Jo confuses NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET with a wholesome Christmas film (perfect for babysitting, right?), and we dive into the most RIDICULOUS 1-star reviews on the internet. Plus: the dumbest inventions ever made, including a solar-powered bikini and ice cream that rotates itself!

🎯 IN THIS EPISODE:

🎬 Christmas Film DISASTERS

Jo suggests "Nightmare on Elm Street" for festive family viewing

"There's a lovely little girl in it... probably not for long"

The Miracle on 34th Street vs. Freddy Krueger confusion

Never let Jo choose the Christmas movies

⭐ HILARIOUS 1-Star Reviews: When Stupidity Meets Amazon

👁️ Eye drops review: "The instructions are only for RIGHT-HANDED people!"

🏋️ Dumbbells: "No instructions included" (2 people found this helpful!)

🧻 Toilet roll for Australian guests (they need QUALITY)

📝 Pritt Stick: "I'm left-handed and turned it the wrong way"

🪒 The "balding brush" keeper (in case they buy it again!)

💯 "1-star: Good quality, excellent product" - HUH?!

🎖️ Military Precision vs. Surgical Strikes

Jo's Facts: "Surgical strikes only happen in operating theatres!"

The most ridiculous debate we've ever had

Welcome to "Jo's Facts" - where knowledge goes to die

🤦 The WORST Inventions Ever Made

☀️ Solar-Powered Bikini (charge your phone while tanning!)

👟 Metal Detecting Sandals (looks like house arrest)

🔫 Gun-Shaped Camera (with realistic gunshot sounds!)

🍦 Ice Cream Cone Rotator (because hands are SO last century)

🎅 Christmas Updates:

🥧 Mince Pie Counter: 12 → 6 (where did they go, Jo?)

🌊 Wreath vs. Storm Bram: THE REMATCH

🎄 Jo gets attacked by a neighbor's wreath (caught on Ring doorbell!)

🎁 Christmas card distribution goes hilariously wrong

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 - Nightmare on Elm Street Christmas Special

0:50 - Ridiculous Product Reviews Begin

4:03 - Surgical Strike Debate (Jo's Facts)

6:50 - The Dumbbells With No Instructions

8:48 - More Christmas Film Confusion

10:03 - WORST Inventions: Solar Bikini Edition

13:54 - Ice Cream Rotator & Science Gone Mad

15:00 - Mince Pie Investigation

16:00 - Wreath Attacks Jo (CCTV footage exists!)

17:00 - Like, Subscribe, Comment!

💬 BEST QUOTES:

"There's a lovely little girl... probably not for long!"

"Surgical strikes only happen in operating theatres"

"I wasted a load one day before realizing the top was still on"

"It went straight on my face like your phone does in the night!"

👫 ABOUT US:

We're Stu & Jo - married 24 years and still trying to get through Christmas without incident. He's sensible. She confuses horror films with festive classics. We read stupid product reviews, and somehow Jo gets attacked by a Christmas wreath. Join us for weekly chaos!

📱 CONNECT WITH US:

Ever left a ridiculous 1-star review? Witnessed a wreath attack? Confused by the difference between Nightmare on Elm Street and Miracle on 34th Street?

COMMENT BELOW!

Have you eaten all the mince pies? Us too. 🥧

#Podcast #Christmas #FunnyReviews #ProductReviews #Amazon #ChristmasMovies #NightmareOnElmStreet #BritishComedy #MarriedLife #CouplePodcast #ChristmasFails #1StarReviews #DumbInventions #ProductFails #HolidayChaos #FestiveFails #ChristmasHumor #AmazonReviews #WeirdProducts #PodcastComedy #UKPodcast #FunnyPodcast #ChristmasContent

⚠️ WARNING: Contains: Freddy Krueger babysitting scenarios, people who can't operate Pritt Sticks, Australian toilet paper standards, and a wreath with murderous intent.

👍 LIKE if you've ever left a ridiculous review

💬 COMMENT your worst product fail

🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly pre-Christmas meltdowns

Thanks for watching! Now go read some 1-star reviews for entertainment! ⭐

P.S. Our wreath is still alive (barely). The mince pies are not. 🎄🥧

👫 Stu & Jo | Married 24 years, empty nesters | Jo gets things confidently wrong, Stu lovingly corrects her

Jo's mince pie addiction reaches CRITICAL levels (12 pies under one roof!), and we accidentally become your new educators - learning about panettone, leavened bread, and medieval insults. Plus: Why did Stu get into someone else's car? 🚗

🎯 IN THIS EPISODE:

📚 The Discovery Channel of Podcasts (not really)

Learn about panettone (it's LEAVENED, people!)

Etymology deep dive: Why is Tom the fool?

The origin of "lovelorn" revealed

Crampons vs Clamp-ons: Jo's mountain climbing confusion

You can call yourself a DOCTOR after watching 3 episodes! 🎓

🎄 Christmas Chaos Begins

Storm Bram vs the front door wreath

Chief Elf hands over the tinsel reins (empty nest alert!)

Jo's mince pie obsession reaches defcon 1

Current supply: 12 mince pies (place your bets for next episode)

The great panettone investigation

🚨 DANGER OF LIFE WARNING

Not a danger TO life... a danger OF life

Why September & October are popular birthday months

Storm Bram's unintended consequences

Stu comes home "sodden" (word of the episode!)

🌱 Jo's Gardening Update

Planting bulbs in a storm (smart gardening!)

How many of our audience are gardeners? (Hordes, obviously)

Storm Bram does the watering for free

🚗 THE WRONG CAR INCIDENT

Stu's car is suspiciously clean 🤔

Classic tomfoolery at the supermarket

Video reaction: Man's dad gets in wrong car

Link: https://www.instagram.com/reels/DRkP_92Ea2Q/

The rolling Audi mystery: Did our car move itself?!

🎭 Life Together: Perky vs Peaky

Jo's energy levels: From flat to BUZZING

The "thinking has a satellite delay" phenomenon

Stu's loving observations about Jo's... unique brain

Why Jo seems like a fool (but isn't... completely!)

🍕 Forgotten Pizza & Abandoned Children

That time Stu forgot to pick up the child from school

Why being early is NOT our thing

The red coat ninja entrance at comedy shows

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 - Intro & PhD Level Education

2:00 - Storm Bram & Wreath Drama

3:00 - Christmas Tree Chief Elf Crisis

5:45 - MINCE PIE ADDICTION ALERT

8:00 - The Panettone Investigation

10:00 - Clamp-ons, Tomfoolery & Lovelorn

14:00 - The Pizza & Forgotten Child Story

15:58 - Wrong Car Video Reaction

17:00 - Stu's Wrong Car Confession

18:15 - The Rolling Audi Mystery

💬 BEST QUOTES:

"Once you've watched three of our episodes, you can call yourself a doctor!"

"This car is terribly clean..."

"I instantly knew which child I'd abandoned"

"Like an addict with some supply in the building"

"Maybe this is where all the Christmas babies come from"

👫 ABOUT US:

We're Stu & Jo - married 24 years (somehow!). He's logical. She speaks at 100mph while her brain catches up later. We're very different people making it work, one sodden episode at a time!

📱 CONNECT WITH US:

Got mince pie addiction support? Car park confusion stories? Leave a comment!

Gardening demographic: Make yourselves known! 🌱

#EmptyNestFullBanter #BritishComedy #UKPodcast #MarriedLife #EmptyNesters #ChristmasPodcast #MincePies #Panettone #StormBram #Etymology #WordOrigins #ComedyPodcast #WrongCar #MarriageHumor

⚠️ WARNING: Contains dangerous levels of mince pie obsession, educational content about leavened bread, and evidence that both hosts probably shouldn't be allowed near car parks.

👍 LIKE if you've ever gotten into the wrong car

💬 COMMENT your best car park disaster story

🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly tomfoolery

Thanks for watching! Stay perky, not peaky! 🎄✨

Can you name 20 birds without Googling? Jo thinks she can... but wait until you hear "scarecrow" make an appearance! Plus, we fall down the Love Actually rabbit hole after watching the Waitrose Christmas advert. Spoiler: Emma Thompson is EVERYONE'S sister?!

🐦 IN THIS EPISODE:

🦜 THE GREAT BIRD NAMING CHALLENGE

Jo attempts to name 20 birds off the top of her head

"I nearly said scarecrow!" - The moment that broke us

Blue tit, green tit... "you can have two tits!"

Miliband or Mallard confusion: Is it a duck?

Standard Goose? The struggle is REAL

Final score: Did she hit 20? (You'll be surprised!)

🎄 LOVE ACTUALLY: 22 YEARS LATER

Inspired by Joe Wilkinson & Keira Knightley's Waitrose ad

Why this 2003 classic still hits

Stu's rating: "3 cries and 1 sob"

The Colin Firth Portuguese romance moment 💔

That video scene with Keira Knightley that DESTROYED us

Emma Thompson revelation: Wait, she's WHOSE sister?!

Hugh Grant dancing down the stairs (still iconic)

🐦 ROBIN DRAMA: Christmas RUINED?

Are robins actually MEAN birds?

Jo's wild theory: Do they steal eggs like cuckoos?

The great robin vs. cuckoo debate

Can we still enjoy Christmas cards after this?

Territorial robin facts that shocked us both

🎬 ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Where Would We Be?

Stu's dream: Independent film director (Hollywood would crush his creativity)

Jo's confession: West End star... but NO SINGING

"Some sort of mute musical" - The career that never was

Would we have worked together? (Spoiler: Rom-coms only!)

😤 MARRIAGE SURVIVAL TIPS

How does Stu handle anger? "I tell her!" 😂

The Great Potato Gratin Freezer Incident

Pet peeves explained (Jo thought it was about ACTUAL PETS)

Secret to happy marriage: "Tell him he's an idiot"

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 - Intro & Questionable Foreplay

1:24 - Welcome to the Show!

1:48 - THE BIRD NAMING CHALLENGE BEGINS

6:36 - Robin Behaviour Investigation

9:10 - Love Actually Deep Dive

13:05 - Dream Careers: Hollywood vs West End

15:11 - Joy, Pet Peeves & Handling Anger

17:05 - The Potato Gratin Disaster

💬 BEST QUOTES:

"I nearly said scarecrow!"

"You can have two tits (birds!)"

"Three cries and one sob!"

"I thought pet peeve was about PETS!"

"I tell her... to wind her neck in!"

🎯 WHY WATCH THIS:

✅ Bird naming fails that'll make you cry-laugh

✅ Love Actually nostalgia

✅ Marriage tips (sort of)

✅ British comedy chaos

✅ Empty nest banter at its finest

✅ Random bird facts you never asked for

👫 ABOUT EMPTY NEST FULL BANTER:

We're Jo & Stu - married 24+ years, empty nesters, and complete opposites who somehow make it work. She thinks scarecrows are birds. He can actually name birds correctly. Together, we bring you weekly doses of relationship chaos, questionable knowledge, and genuine laughs.

📱 JOIN THE CONVERSATION:

💭 Can YOU name 20 birds? Comment your list!

🎬 What's your favourite Love Actually moment?

🐦 Are robins actually mean? Settle this debate!

❓ Questions for future episodes? Drop them below!

#EmptyNestFullBanter #Podcast #BirdQuiz #LoveActually #ChristmasMovies #KeiraKnightley #MarriedLife #BritishComedy #CouplePodcast #FunnyPodcast #ChristmasContent #MovieReview #RomCom #RelationshipGoals #Marriage #EmptyNesters #ComedyPodcast #UKPodcast #ChristmasAd #Waitrose #EmmaThompson #ColinFirth #HughGrant #RomanticComedy #Robins #ChristmasBirds #QuizShow #CoupleGoals #PodcastCommunity

⚠️ WARNING: Contains excessive laughter, bird confusion, emotional damage from Love Actually, and frozen potato gratins.

👍 LIKE if you've ever confused a scarecrow for a bird

💬 COMMENT your Love Actually cry count

🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly empty nest chaos

📤 SHARE with anyone who needs a laugh today!

New episodes every week! Thanks for being part of our Empty Nest Full Banter family! 💕