Episodes

  • #184 - Socially Connected, Emotionally Unsettled: The Friendship Paradox (Dr. Jeffrey Hall)

    #184 - Socially Connected, Emotionally Unsettled: The Friendship Paradox (Dr. Jeffrey Hall)
    Feb 15 2026
    Have you ever looked at your life and thought: I have friends. I’m doing things. I’m not isolated… so why do I still feel unsettled and maybe even lonely?This week’s guest is Dr. Jeffrey Hall (and yes, I was awkwardly a bit of a fan girl for this one). Dr. Hall is a professor and department chair of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, where he directs the Relationships and Technology Lab. He’s the author of Relating Through Technology and The Social Biome, has written for The Wall Street Journal, and if you’ve read basically any big article about friendship over the last several years, you’ve probably seen his research quoted.You may know Dr. Hall best for his well-known findings on how long it actually takes to become close friends. We don’t get into the exact numbers in the conversation, so here they are: about 200 hours of shared time to become close friends, 80–100 hours for a solid friendship, and 40–60 hours for a casual one. If that feels like a lot, that’s the point. It explains why friendship can feel slow even when you’re “doing everything right.”But the heart of this episode is Dr. Hall's newer work from the American Friendship Project, research on what he calls the Loneliness and Connection Paradox. In the age range known as “emerging adulthood” (ages 18–30), people are often very connected--more friends, more touchpoints, more socializing than they’ll have later in adulthood--and yet they can still feel emotionally unsettled and lonely.That paradox isn’t limited to 20-somethings. Any season of rapid change can bring it on: moving, starting a new job, ending a relationship, divorce, kids leaving home, rebuilding a life, starting over. If you (or someone you love) is in a "season" where friendships feel shaky, slower than you want them to be, or weirdly unsatisfying even though you have a social life, this episode is for you.In this episode, we talk about:Why loneliness isn’t always a sign something is wrong — sometimes it’s a healthy signal that you want more connectionHow major life transitions disrupt our sense of social stabilityWhy women may experience the loneliness-and-connection tension more intenselyThe role of expectations in friendship — and why “high standards” can be both a strength and a stressorA concept I loved: ontological security — that settled feeling when life stops churning and friendships feel more stableA surprising insight about social media: it may be less about platforms causing poor wellbeing and more about people turning to them when they’re already strugglingAnd what Dr. Hall is studying next — including research suggesting that feeling socially connected today can actually give you more energy tomorrowMeet Dr. Jeffrey Hall:Jeffrey Hall is a professor and department chair of communication studies at the University of Kansas, where he is the director of the Relationships and Technology Lab. He is the author of Relating Through Technology and The Social Biome, and has written for the Wall Street Journal. ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    39 mins
  • #183 - Are You Mad at Me? Friendship Anxiety and the Need for Validation (with Meg Josephson)

    #183 - Are You Mad at Me? Friendship Anxiety and the Need for Validation (with Meg Josephson)
    Feb 8 2026

    If you tend to assume someone’s upset with you when their tone shifts even slightly, when they don’t text back right away, or when you notice the smallest change in their availability, this episode is for you. And if you have a friend who is always asking, "Are you mad at me?" or assuming you're upset when you're simply living your life, then this episode will help you, too.

    I’m joined by licensed psychotherapist Meg Josephson, author of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. We spoke about people pleasing, anxiety in friendships, and that constant low-level worry so many of us carry: Did I say the wrong thing? Did I mess something up? Am I in trouble?

    Meg explains why people pleasing isn’t a personality trait or a weakness—it’s a survival response called fawning. A lot of us learned it early on as a way to stay safe, liked, and connected. The problem is that in adulthood, it turns into overthinking, over-apologizing, and a constant focus on how we’re being perceived, including in our friendships. It can very exhausting to live this way, and also tiresome for the friends who have to constantly assure you "everything's OK."


    In this episode, we talk about:


    • Why you can’t actually control how other people see you, no matter how carefully you try
    • What the fawn response is and how it shows up in adult friendships
    • How people pleasing leads to anxiety, burnout, and quiet resentment
    • The difference between reassurance-seeking and real emotional connection
    • Why constantly needing reassurance can be hard on friendships
    • How growing up around criticism or gossip can make you feel perpetually judged
    • Finding the balance between showing up for people and over-functioning
    • Why resentment is a signal worth paying attention to
    • A practical mindfulness tool for interrupting anxiety spirals
    • How social media makes people pleasing worse
    • Learning how to tolerate discomfort without immediately fixing it



    Meet Meg Josephson:

    Meg Josephson, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist. In her private practice, she specializes in trauma-informed care through a compassion-focused lens. She holds a Master of Social Work from Columbia University, and she is a certified meditation teacher through the Nalanda Institute. Meg also shares accessible insights via her social media platforms, reaching over five hundred thousand followers. Find Meg on Instagram at @megjosephson.



    ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

    📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

    🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

    📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

    ❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

    📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

    🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**



    Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    41 mins
  • #182 - Three Phrases That Help When a Friend Is Experiencing Loss (with Shelby Forsythia)

    #182 - Three Phrases That Help When a Friend Is Experiencing Loss (with Shelby Forsythia)
    Feb 1 2026
    Knowing how to show up for a friend in grief can feel overwhelming. We want to say the right thing, we don’t want to make it worse—and too often, that fear leads to silence. This episode is about finding words that help, not harm, and about staying connected when a friend’s life has been turned upside down.In this conversation, I’m joined by grief coach and author Shelby Forsythia, whose work centers on helping people navigate loss of all kinds—not only death, but also divorce, diagnosis, estrangement, friendship breakups, and other life-altering transitions. Shelby has spent nearly a decade working with grieving people, and what she offers here is incredibly practical, compassionate, and grounding.Rather than focusing on endless lists of “what not to say,” Shelby shares language we can use—simple, human phrases that help friendships survive the hardest moments.Shelby's newest book, Of Course I'm Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving, is written for the people who want to support grievers—friends, family members, coworkers, and anyone who finds themselves walking alongside someone in pain.IN THIS EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT:The three stories most grieving people tell themselves, and how to recognize which one your friend is living inWhy the loss of friendships after a major loss can be just as painful as the loss itselfHow to support someone without trying to fix or reframe their griefWhy saying the name of the person who died often feels comforting, not upsettingHow to show up for non-death grief, including divorce, estrangement, and friendship lossWhy it’s okay—and often necessary—to literally put “check in on my friend” in your calendarMeet Shelby:Shelby Forsythia (she/her) is a grief coach, three time author, and podcast host. In 2020, she founded Life After Loss Academy, an online course and community that has helped dozens of grievers grow and find their way after death, divorce, diagnosis, and other major life transitions.Following her mother’s death in 2013, Shelby began calling herself a “student of grief” and now devotes her days to reading, writing, and speaking about loss. Through a combination of mindfulness tools and intuitive, open-ended questions, she guides her clients to welcome grief as a teacher and create meaningful lives that honor and include the heartbreaks they’ve faced. Her work has been featured in Huffington Post, Bustle, and The Oprah Magazine.Find Shelby: Website | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | TikTok ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    37 mins
  • #181 - Exclusion and the Power to Build New Friendships (with Amy Weatherly)

    #181 - Exclusion and the Power to Build New Friendships (with Amy Weatherly)
    Jan 18 2026
    This week’s episode is an expansion to last week’s conversation with Dr. Noelle Santorelli about relational aggression, belonging vs. inclusion, and “mean mom groups.” The focus this week shifts from spotting unhealthy dynamics to the next (very hard) question: What should you do after you realize you’ve been excluded by the people you thought were your friends?Bestselling author Amy Weatherly returns with a mix of empathy and tough love, reminding us that adult friendship is rarely cut-and-dry. Sometimes the table truly only held four for that event. And sometimes, those people simply aren’t your people. Either way, Amy’s message is clear: you have more power than you think.Together, Amy and I unpack the gray areas of adult friendship and how popular online memes can be contradictory (“There's always room for everyone!” vs. “Protect your peace!”). We discuss why group-chasing usually backfires and how to build connection one brave invitation at a time.In this episode, we talk about:Why adult friendship isn’t “everyone gets invited” the way it is in childhoodThe difference between "a bad heart" and a bad momentHow labeling people as “mean” or “toxic” can keep you stuckWhy it’s usually better to look for a friend, not a groupHow confidence (and self-reflection) changes everythingThe difficult reality: rejection is part of making friendsBuilding your own “table” instead of trying to squeeze into someone else’sAmy: “The secret to being liked is to like other people.”Amy: “Friendship will favor those who are bold enough to be rejected.” Links Mentioned: Last week’s episode (#180) with Dr. Noelle Santorelli on relational aggression and navigating exclusionA version of the Ashley Tisdale story on Today.comNina’s prior episode (#86) featuring Amy + JessAmy's “go where the love is” friendship poem Nina referenced, which can be found on Amy and Jess's Facebook group, Sister I am With You.Dr. Janice McCabe in the NYT on "friendship markets"Meet Amy Weatherly:Amy Weatherly is the co-founder with Jess Johnston of the viral page all about friendship, Sister, I Am with You. They coauthored the new book, Here For It and the Wall Street Journal bestseller I’ll Be There (But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants) Find Sister I am With You on: Facebook, Instagram, and on their Website.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    32 mins
  • #180 - Mean Mom Culture, Relational Aggression, and Belonging vs. Inclusion (with Dr. Noelle Santorelli)

    #180 - Mean Mom Culture, Relational Aggression, and Belonging vs. Inclusion (with Dr. Noelle Santorelli)
    Jan 11 2026
    This week I have a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Noelle Santorelli about belonging vs. (forced) inclusion, "mean mom" culture, and relational aggression. And guess what? I recorded this interview with Dr. Santorelli BEFORE the Ashley Tisdale “toxic mom group” article from The Cut was making its way around the internet.I had to re-record my intro to this episode because not addressing the article and the aftermath would have felt off considering our topic for this one. In our discussion, Dr. Noelle and I spoke about what’s really going on when adult friendships start to feel like middle school. We unpack the difference between actual cruelty versus simply not wanting to be friends anymore (those are not the same thing), and why covert behavior is so confusing and painful to experience.Dr. Noelle gives language to things many of us have felt but can’t quite name. She also offers some much-needed reminders to pause, regulate, and stop assuming every social slight has one clear explanation.We talk about:What relational aggression actually is and how it sometimes shows up quietlyBackhanded compliments, hot-and-cold behavior, gossip, exclusion, and “strategic withholding”The difference between being included and truly belonging (and why forced inclusion often backfires) Friendship love bombing and why we should slow down in new friendshipsOne line from this episode that really stuck with me:“Forced inclusion creates fragile belonging.”I also share a very real story about spiraling after getting no response in a group text—and how sometimes the answer isn’t “they’re being mean,” rather it's: “this wasn’t the right time, place, or audience.”My biggest takeaway: focus on patterns, not incidents, regulate before reacting, and ask yourself why you want into a group that might not actually feel safe or aligned.Links Mentioned:A version of the Ashley Tisdale story on Today.comDr. Santorelli's Mean Girl Mom Survival GuideJoin the Dear Nina Facebook GroupMeet Dr. Noelle Santorelli:If you’ve ever found yourself deep in the drama of Mean Girls or Mean Girls in Motherhood (aka Mean Girl Moms), you’ve probably come across Dr. Noelle Santorelli on Instagram. A licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Santorelli has spent the past 14 years in private practice and holds a position of adjunct faculty at Emory School of Medicine in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences.In her practice, she specializes in working with high-achieving women who’ve experienced early trauma or grew up in dysfunctional, toxic family environments—often with emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. She also has deep expertise in relational aggression across the lifespan, helping women navigate covert bullying from friends, family, and even the workplace. She helps break down the complexities of relational aggression, Mean Girl culture, and how to protect your peace in a world full of social landmines. Find Dr. Santorelli on Instagram and TikTok at @drnoellesantorelliALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    56 mins
  • #179 - Your Newest Friendship Questions, Answered (with My Mom)

    #179 - Your Newest Friendship Questions, Answered (with My Mom)
    Jan 4 2026

    For the first episode of 2026, I have my mom, Kathy Sackheim, in the studio for her 6th appearance on the podcast to help me answer a stack of listener questions straight from the Dear Nina inbox.


    We move quickly through a range of friendship dilemmas from listeners:

    • milestone birthday expectations
    • uneven effort
    • friend group tension
    • an uncomfortable confrontation
    • a group chat blowup
    • reaching out after a long gap since the last hangout
    • and what to do when a friend’s choices leave you conflicted and/or burdened (We slightly disagreed about that last one!)



    My mom, at 80, brings decades of perspective and a refreshingly no-nonsense approach to friendship. We talk about being realistic without becoming resentful, staying nonjudgmental, knowing when to widen your circle instead of forcing a group dynamic to work, and why friends and romantic partners serve very different roles in our lives.

    This episode is thoughtful, candid, and practical—exactly what happens when I put a microphone in front of my mom and let her answer your questions honestly.



    PREVIOUS 5 EPISODES WITH MY MOM:

    • Ep. #1. The Friend Who Will Only Text:
    • Ep. #8. When Friends Ask Questions You Don’t Want to Answer
    • Ep. #36. Widowhood and Friendship
    • Ep. #50. How Friendships Change With Age, Overlooking Foibles, Dealing With Our Teens’ Friendships, and more
    • Ep. #72. Grudges and Apologies in Friendships



    LINKED MENTIONED:

    • Find the anonymous questions in the newsletter at dearnina.substack.com
    • Ask an anonymous question
    • The live episode in Chicago was Ep. #160
    • Join the Dear Nina Facebook Group



    ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

    📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

    🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!

    📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

    ❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

    📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

    🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**



    Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    27 mins
  • #178 - Top 5 Cities, Top 5 Episodes, and Friendship Takeaways from 2025 (with Rebekah Jacobs)

    #178 - Top 5 Cities, Top 5 Episodes, and Friendship Takeaways from 2025 (with Rebekah Jacobs)
    Dec 27 2025
    It’s the annual end-of-year wrap-up, and my assistant producer Rebekah Jacobs is back for a behind-the-scenes look at what landed with listeners in 2025 and why.The themes we keep coming back to on Dear Nina aren’t “college friends” or “mom friends” or “work friends.” It’s all of the above and more. The need to be chosen, to belong, to be wanted, and the sting when we don’t feel it—this is ageless and timeless.HIGHLIGHTS:We reveal the top 5 cities and top 5 counties where you’re listening to Dear Nina.The top 5 episodes of 2025 and why we think they resonated.We reflect on the hardest and easiest 2025 Friendship Challenges (which we’re officially retiring!)And we talk about our biggest moments of the year—including the Chicago live show—and what's coming up in 2026.LINKS MENTIONED:Episodes Highlighted as Top of 2025Ep. 143 — The Law of Rejection in Friendships (with Harlan Cohen)Ep. 146 — Tolerate Uncertainty & Stop the Overthinking Spiral (with Dr. Jackie Henry)Ep. 132 — The Four Types of Connection (with Dr. Adam Dorsay)Ep. 148 — Tricky Friendship Etiquette for the Modern Digital Age (with Daniel Post Senning of the Emily Post Institute)Ep. 151 — Myths Around Adult Friendships (with Jazzmyn Proctor of The Visibility Standard Podcast)Other Dear Nina Episodes MentionedEp. 160 — Live Show in Chicago (The final poem I read was from author Amy Weatherly of “Sister, I am With You.” It can be found on their Facebook page, here. You can also hear Amy and Jess on Dear Nina, episode #86.)Ep. 172 — What BEACHES Gets Right About FriendshipThe Dear Nina Friendship ChallengesThe 12 friendship challenges MEET REBEKAH JACOBS:Rebekah Jacobs is the assistant producer of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship and a writing professor who lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and three kids.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina🎈 Celebrate your friend on the show by dedicating a week of episodes!📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? **That’s probably here.**Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    36 mins
  • #177 - The Myth of Instant College Friends (with Dr. Janice McCabe)

    #177 - The Myth of Instant College Friends (with Dr. Janice McCabe)
    Dec 19 2025
    Finding Your People in College Takes Longer Than You Think. At some schools its even a structural problem. As students come home between semesters, some parents might be worried about kids who haven't "found their people" yet. But it's so normal for friendships to take time to form! And even when it feels like "everyone else has a group," those groups often continue to change. I spoke to Dr. Janice McCabe an associate professor of sociology at Dartmouth College, the President of the Sociology of Education Association, and the author of two books: Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks and Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success, about why friendship feels easy for some students and painfully hard for others. We dig into the idea of friendship markets—when they’re open, when they’re closed, and how to recognize the difference. We also talk about why clinging to the first friends you meet can actually make things harder and why the structures a school puts in place (the way dorms are organized or the types of orientation activities offered) can make a big difference in those early months. We also discussed the three common friendship network styles Dr. McCabe highlights in her research.More than anything, this episode is a reminder that friendship is a process and that there is always another opportunity ahead to meet new people, even when it feels like everyone is settled in their groups.Links mentioned:Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success Episode #112: Navigating Friendships During College Admissions with guest Kate ProgerEpisode #115: "Use the Freshmen Energy Trick to Make New Friends as an Adult" Meet Dr. Janice McCabe:Dr. Janice McCabe is an associate professor of sociology and women’s, gender, and sexuality studies and the Allen House Professor at Dartmouth College. She teaches courses on the sociology of gender, youth, education, social problems, and research methods at Dartmouth. Dr. McCabe is the President of the Sociology of Education Association (SEA). Her books, Making, Keeping, and Losing Friends: How Campuses Shape College Students Networks (University of Chicago Press, 2025) and Connecting in College: How Friendship Networks Matter for Academic and Social Success (University of Chicago Press, 2016), focus on friendship networks and identities during college and into young adulthood. She is interested in how gender, race/ethnicity, and social class operate as social identities and how they shape social networks. Her research has been covered, among other places, in the Washington Post, Time magazine; NPR, New York Magazine, and the Boston Globe. Connect with Dr. McCabe on LinkedIn.ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.Grateful to our sponsor this week: Learn more and apply at https://sahaquest.com/
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    34 mins