STARDATE: Your Mother.

SYSTEM STATUS: CORRUPTED / DELAYED / POSSIBLY HAUNTED ⚠️

RECOVERED FRAGMENTS 📂

"Wait… did we already tell this story?"

"Who let Zero near the controls again?"

"Why does it smell like spray paint in here?"

"Did someone seriously write 'Sarlac Farts' on the wall?"

SYSTEM NOTES 🧠

Episode was recorded weeks ago. The beginning about blinks unreleased bonus tracks is no longer relevant - YOU CAN NOW ADD THEM TO YOUR SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS AS OF FRIDAY JUNE 12th! Oh the irony…

No surviving memory of topics, structure, or purpose.

Conversation may include:

• ​ Recycled arguments
• ​ Unfinished thoughts
• ​ Fully confident incorrect statements
• ​ Unnecessary panic
• ​ Multiple timeline inconsistencies

ZERO insists:

"This is functioning as intended."

"There is no malfunction."

"You are the malfunction."

INTERSTELLAR INDEX 🛰️

🌐 TheSlurredKind.com

🔗 The Helm (all socials)

📧 Send us a hail (or suggest a theme!)

🗣 Join The Anti-Matter Minute, the official Close Encounters of the Slurred Kind Facebook group!

RATE & REVIEW ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

If you understood literally anything in this episode… we're impressed. Follow us on Spotify and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts to help keep The Black Swirl's lights on.

⚠️ DISCLAIMER

This episode may contain distorted audio, fragmented logic, contradictory statements, and conversations that no longer exist in this version of reality. Any attempt to interpret meaning is done entirely at your own risk.

🎵 OUTRO MUSIC

Stop.Drop.Rewind — "Space Force Theme Song"

After narrowly escaping a very questionable situation on Coruscant, Joeba and Ripley find themselves crash-landing on Nintendopia — a planet where cryptids don’t hide… they throw hands.

A full roster of legendary creatures enters the arena in a Smash-style showdown, complete with cursed items, environmental chaos, and absolutely zero balance patches. From Bigfoot’s questionable stamina to Slender Man’s psychological warfare, every matchup spirals further out of control.

And just when it feels like a winner might emerge… a cosmic raid boss enters the chat. Good luck.

🎮 SPECIAL SEGMENTS

Cryptid Smash: The Roster

• Full breakdown of each cryptid fighter, abilities, weaknesses, and playstyle
• Yes… this matters later

Tournament Mode

• Head-to-head matchups across chaotic battlegrounds
• Winners decided by logic… until logic completely disappears

Final Encounter — Raid Boss

• Everyone vs something they were absolutely not prepared for
• Survival becomes the only win condition

🛰️ INTERSTELLAR INDEX

🌐 TheSlurredKind.com🔗 The Helm (all socials)📧 Send us a hail (or suggest a theme!)

🗣 Join The Dimension Hoppers over in The Anti-Matter Minute — our show’s Facebook group!

RATE & REVIEW ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Love the show? Help us fuel the warp core!

Follow us on Spotify and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts to help keep the Swirl’s lights on.

⚠️ DISCLAIMER

This episode contains unregulated cryptid combat, unauthorized interdimensional tournaments, and at least one entity that should not be perceived under any circumstances.

Any attempt to recreate these events will result in immediate disqualification from reality.

🎵 OUTRO MUSIC

Stop.Drop.Rewind — “Space Force Theme Song”

This week inside the Anti-Matter Minute, Joeba and Ripley crack open cold ones and investigate one of the internet’s greatest modern conspiracies: Birds Aren’t Real.

From the infamous 1959–2001 “avian replacement” timeline to power-line charging theories and suspiciously tactical geese, the crew dives headfirst into the satire that somehow became culturally unstoppable. Along the way, Zero identifies a possible government surveillance unit onboard the Black Swirl… and things spiral exactly how you’d expect.

Plus:

autonomous avian surveillance breakdowns

conspiracy escalation logic

firmware migration theories

NSFAQ returns with listener questions

and absolutely no bird is beating the allegations...

🛰️ INTERSTELLAR INDEX

🌐 TheSlurredKind.com

🔗 The Helm (all socials)

📧 Send us a hail (or suggest a theme!)

🗣 Join The Dimension Hoppers over in The Anti-Matter Minute — our show’s Facebook group!

⭐ RATE & REVIEW

Love the show? Help us fuel the warp core!

Follow us on Spotify and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts to help keep the Swirl’s lights on.

⚠️ DISCLAIMER

Close Encounters of the Slurred Kind is a Slurred Kind LLC production and a comedy podcast engaging in satire, parody, and critical commentary. Any conspiracy discussed is presented for entertainment purposes only.

If you genuinely believe a goose works for the federal government… that’s between you and the power lines.

🎵 OUTRO MUSIC

Stop.Drop.Rewind — “Space Force Theme Song”