This episode is for ADHD mums who feel like they’re living inside a nervous system experiment.

The kind where everything is technically ‘fine’… until the TV is on, someone’s making mouth noises, a child is asking 400 questions, another one is humming, and your body is trying to exit the situation through the nearest wall.

We talk a lot about overstimulation like it’s a personal flaw. Like you should be calmer. More patient. Better regulated. But what if you’re not failing at regulation… you’re just carrying too much regulation load?

In this conversation with Rachel Few, we get painfully practical about what actually helps when you’re at the edge. Not in an ideal world. In a real ADHD household, with real kids, real noise, real time pressure, and real limits.

– Why overstimulation is not a single moment, but a build-up across days

– The ‘therapy taxi’ burnout cycle and how it dysregulates the whole family

– Why regulation strategies fail when they become another to-do list

– Nervous system mapping: learning your early warning signs before the snap

– ‘Recipe building’ for families: planning around needs, not just appointments

– Why yelling and snapping usually starts earlier than you think

– PDA-aware approaches: when direct help makes things worse

– Side-step regulation tools that don’t rely on compliance

– Real-life resets (including the candle trick, which sounds unhinged until you try it)

– Why acceptance is sometimes the missing strategy, not another technique

– you feel overstimulated before 7am and then blame yourself for it

– your household escalates fast and you don’t know where it starts

– you’re carrying the clean-up after every meltdown (emotional or literal)

– you’re exhausted from scanning for hunger, sensory triggers, and ‘what could go wrong’

– you’re parenting a PDA-ish child and standard advice backfires

– you keep thinking ‘once we get the right support, it will all be fine’ and then it isn’t

– you want tools that actually work when you’re already at your limit

Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-63-surviving-the-mental-load-of-the-school-year/

When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

– For more information on Rachel Few - see here

-PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) is mentioned in the episode

– Maternal mental health research is referenced (mum’s mental health as a key predictor for child wellbeing)

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to...

This episode is for ADHD mums who have ever sat in a car park before an assessment and felt their whole nervous system start negotiating with the evidence.

Because the paperwork looks fine.

The report cards look fine.

Your life looks fine.

And you’re standing there knowing that ‘fine’ is exactly what disqualifies you.

This is the ADHD myth as it actually lands. Not as a hot take online — but as a private internal audit that starts the second you consider asking for help.

It’s the voice that says: ‘Everyone says they have ADHD now, don’t they?’

And the way your body believes it before you even get to answer back.

– The ‘good school report’ trap and why it makes women doubt themselves

– Why visible competence is often just quiet compensation

– How anxiety, eating disorders, burnout and depression get missed when you’re not disruptive

– The internal investigation ADHD mums run before they ever ask for help

– Why ‘you’ve managed this long’ lands as dismissal, not reassurance

– How vigilance gets trained in childhood and then masquerades as personality

– Why gender shifts the cost of impulsivity, mistakes, and social timing

– How hypervigilance becomes the price of belonging

– Why motherhood doesn’t create the load, it exposes it

– The difference between being tired and constantly compensating

– How media narratives about ADHD being a ‘trend’ reinforce silence and shame

– you have ‘good’ school reports and still feel like you’re drowning

– you rehearse what to say before appointments so you don’t sound ‘dramatic’

– you minimise automatically and tell yourself other people have it worse

– you’ve been called controlling when you’re actually doing risk management

– you feel embarrassed even seeking an assessment

– you relate to being ‘a pleasure to have in class’ while quietly falling apart

– you’ve carried the mental load for years and only now it’s breaking through

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible (Partners)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

– ADHD in women and girls: internalising presentations and delayed identification

– Burnout, anxiety and depression as common outcomes of long-term compensation

– The impact of social conditioning and gender expectations on symptom visibility

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on?

This episode sits right in the space where mental load, motherhood, and neurodivergence collide.

It’s about the exhaustion that doesn’t come from doing one hard thing — but from having to remember everything, explain everything, repeat everything, and stay emotionally available while your own capacity is already gone.

For many ADHD mums, the hardest part of advocacy isn’t the paperwork. It’s being the living filing cabinet. The one who holds every report, every strategy, every update, every change — and is expected to access it on demand, usually at the worst possible time.

This conversation with Letitia from Understanding Zoe explores what happens when that load becomes unsustainable, why school pickup can feel like a threat to your nervous system, and how repetition and emotional labour quietly push mums toward burnout.

– Why repeated conversations and ‘quick questions’ drain capacity faster than admin

– The invisible emotional cost of being the default advocate

– School pickup as a nervous system stressor, not a social moment

– Why mums freeze when asked for information they technically ‘know’

– How mental load is reinforced by systems, not personality

– The guilt and self-blame that comes with forgetting details

– How AI can act as a second brain instead of another demand

– Using technology to reduce repetition without losing control or privacy

– school pickup makes your shoulders rise before you even get there

– you dread being asked for strategies when your window of tolerance is closed

– you’ve handed advocacy to a partner and it somehow comes back bigger

– you feel like you’re supposed to know everything about your child, always

– you freeze when asked questions because your brain has already hit capacity

– you’re tired of being ‘so capable’ while quietly burning out

When this load isn’t named, ADHD mums internalise it.

They assume they should cope better.

They blame themselves for forgetting.

They keep tabs open because closing them feels risky.

Over time, the nervous system never gets a break. Not because mums don’t rest — but because responsibility never fully leaves their body.

This episode reframes that experience. Not as failure. Not as disorganisation. But as what happens when one person becomes the emotional interface between systems that don’t talk to each other.

Understanding Zoe platform - check it out here

Why ADHD Mums Can’t Relax — Even When It’s Quiet

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

ADHD Mums Energy Accounting Guide (Free)

https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

This episode is for ADHD mums who feel their nervous system spike over questions that look harmless on the surface. The kind of questions that arrive when the brain is already full, already tracking consequences, already holding the household together. What’s commonly said is that this is about tone, patience, or communication. What actually happens is that one brain becomes the default place where uncertainty is dropped, again and again, until even small interruptions start to hurt.

The moment is familiar. A partner asks about milk, school times, or whether it’s ‘okay’ to do something. The question isn’t urgent. It isn’t unreasonable. But it lands as work. Not because the mum is controlling or irritable, but because her brain is already running the system. This episode names what that interruption really costs, and why it keeps getting misread as an attitude problem instead of a capacity one.

– How everyday questions quietly route responsibility to the same person

– Why being ‘just asked’ is not neutral when one brain is already saturated

– The social script that frames overload as impatience or moodiness

– How certainty-seeking in one partner becomes burnout in the other

– Why ADHD mums become the household search engine without consenting to the role

– The cumulative cost of interruption, not the content of the question

– You snap at small questions and immediately feel guilty

– You’re praised for being flexible while your capacity keeps shrinking

– You notice that decisions default to you, even when others could decide

– You dread interaction because it so often turns into another task

– You’ve been told you’re overreacting when your body is already at its limit

When this pattern stays unnamed, ADHD mums adapt quietly. They answer questions they shouldn’t have to answer. They decide things prematurely just to stop the interruption. They carry responsibility they never agreed to carry. Over time, the brain never gets to rest. It stays on duty, waiting for the next drop.

What looks like a communication issue is often a structural one. When every uncertainty is routed through the same nervous system, exhaustion becomes inevitable. Naming that isn’t withdrawal. It’s a refusal to keep absorbing costs that were never meant to be individual.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

There is a kind of grief that mums are not supposed to name. It could be called ungrateful.. but a lot of us feel it. So it stays private, carried quietly while life keeps moving and decisions keep getting made.

This episode sits with the grief of the unlived motherhood — the version of parenting that was imagined, planned for, and socially rewarded, and then slowly dismantled by reality. Not because the mum did anything wrong, but because parenting did not arrive as promised, and the cost of adjusting was absorbed almost entirely by her.

In This Episode, We Cover

– Realising the life you planned no longer fits

– Changing schools, routines, and priorities without calling it loss

– Supporting children while privately missing your old life

– Being told to be grateful while something keeps breaking

– Noticing the grief surface long after the decision is made

– Carrying expectations that don’t match daily reality

This Episode Is For You If

– Mornings don’t look how you thought they would

– Your days are built around needs you didn’t anticipate

– You’ve adjusted plans more times than you can count

– You support your family while missing parts of yourself

– You’re functioning, but something feels quietly unfinished

Related Episodes

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

Curated Related Links

The Orchid and the Dandelion — Thomas Boyce

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25614459-the-orchid-and-the-dandelion

Dr. Vanessa LaPointe — Official Website

https://drvanessalapointe.com

The Unlived Life of the Parent — Carl Jung (concept reference)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201112/the-unlived-life

The Work — Byron Katie

https://thework.com

This isn’t weakness.

This is adaptation under pressure.

Mums are doing impossible things every day — and still standing.

Responsibility’s already on me.

If this tips, it’ll be because I waited too long.

That’s how the morning starts.

There’s a clock running. Shoes half on. Bags not where they should be. One kid slowing down, another winding up. Nothing’s happened yet, but the margin’s already thin. I step in early, before anyone else thinks it’s necessary, and it gets read straight away as 'being grumpy.'

1. The internal belief that responsibility defaults inward before the day begins
2. How a single morning escalation under time pressure is interpreted differently by those around you
3. What it’s like to step in early and have that read as impatience or control
4. The moment intervention happens before anything has officially gone wrong

1. Mornings feel loaded before the first decision is made
2. You act early because the margin already feels thin
3. Your responses are misread in real time by others
4. You carry the sense that if it falls apart, it’s on you

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

The morning doesn’t resolve. There’s no clean ending attached to it. Just the moment being seen while it’s still happening.

Not as overreaction.

Not as a set of steps.

As regulation under load, in real time, with the clock already ticking.

📬 Listener Questions & Community

Submit a Listener Question (anonymous option)

If there’s something you want answered on the podcast, you can submit a question here — anonymously if you prefer.

https://form.jotform.com/251238118486864

Share Feedback or Topic Requests

Have a topic you’d like covered, or feedback you want to pass on? You can send it through here.

https://form.jotform.com/243189306607864

Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group

For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmums

You can feel it tipping before anyone else does.

Everyone’s still chatting, still comfortable, and your body’s already tightening.

You know if you stay, you’ll be the one dealing with what comes next.

It’s that familiar moment where nothing’s happened yet, but you’re already bracing for the clean-up.

1. What it’s like to step in early when you’re the one who ends up carrying the fallout
2. How being told to ‘relax’ or ‘let it play out’ misses where the cost actually lands
3. Why stepping in early often gets read as control from the outside
4. The difference between reacting to what’s happening and knowing what usually comes next
5. How early exits, early no’s, and early decisions reduce the total load

1. You’re usually the one calling it before things tip
2. You leave events early and feel judged for it
3. You’re told nothing has happened yet, but you know what comes after
4. You’re the one left carrying the aftermath
5. You’re tired of second-guessing what you know because you’ve lived it

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-63-surviving-the-mental-load-of-the-school-year/

When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/

You Were the Good Girl. That’s Why You’re Falling Apart Now.

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/

The ADHD Myth of ‘Just Try Harder’ (Quick Reset)

https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/

This isn’t about being better at sitting with uncertainty.

It’s about exposure.

Some people only experience the moment.

Others are the ones who absorb what comes after.

Leaving early doesn’t look necessary when you’re not the one managing the fallout. What looks like overreaction from one place is actually load reduction from another.

You’re not creating problems too soon.

You’re carrying the cost so it doesn’t land later.

📬 Listener Questions &...

This episode sits in a very specific moment: when nothing has technically happened, but your whole system reacts as if something has gone wrong.

1. A message goes unanswered.
2. A reply takes longer than expected.
3. A conversation pauses.
4. And suddenly, silence feels loaded.

In this episode, Jane explores why those moments don’t register as neutral. They register as danger. Not because you’re dramatic or overthinking — but because past experiences have taught your system that silence can mean rejection, conflict, or loss of safety.

The panic that shows up isn’t reactive. It’s predictive.

And the relief that floods in when the reply finally comes? That’s not embarrassing. It’s data. Evidence that your system misfired a protective alarm — not that something is wrong with you.

This is a recognition episode, not an explanation. It doesn’t teach you how to stop spiralling. It names why the spiral happens — and lets that understanding do the calming.

1. Why silence is experienced as threat, not information
2. How past social pain trains the brain to predict danger early
3. Why panic is terrible at writing messages
4. The relief that comes when nothing was actually wrong — and what it proves
5. How overprotection develops from lived experience, not weakness
6. Why this reaction is about safety, not self-control

1. Unanswered messages make your whole body brace
2. Silence feels heavier than words
3. You rewrite texts that didn’t need fixing
4. Relief after a reply is followed by self-doubt or shame
5. You want recognition, not advice

These episodes deepen the same patterns of silence, rejection sensitivity, and misread threat.

An RSD Story: Taking My Own Advice

A personal lived experience of rejection sensitivity and shame loops.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/

Why Am I Bracing for Impact When Nothing Is Wrong? (Quick Reset)

How the system predicts danger before there’s evidence.

👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-10-quick-reset-why-am-i-bracing-for-impact-when-nothing-is-wrong/

When You Can’t Relax Even When It’s Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why

Hypervigilance and waiting for the social ‘drop’.

👉