Listen free for 30 days

The Gaslight Effect

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life
Narrated by: Nan McNamara
Length: 9 hrs and 34 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars (43 ratings)

£7.99/month after 30 days. Cancel anytime

Summary

Are You Being Gaslighted? 

Check for these telltale signs: 

  • You constantly second-guess yourself. 
  • You wonder, "Am I being too sensitive?" a dozen times a day. 
  • You wonder frequently if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter. 
  • You have trouble making simple decisions. 
  • You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation. 
  • You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family. 
  • Before your partner comes home from work, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day. 
  • You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases thinking about what your partner would like instead of what would make you feel great. 
  • You actually start to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, "What doesn't kill me will make me stronger." 
  • You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don't have to tell him things you're afraid might upset him. 
  • You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists. 
  • You feel as though you can't do anything right. 
  • You frequently wonder if you're good enough for your lover. 
  • Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your partner. 
  • You feel hopeless and joyless. 

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time. 

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff - including yours - he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you'll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence. 

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism. 

If you think things like this can't happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn't and to believe the unbelievable. It can happen to you and it probably already has. 

©2007 Dr. Robin Stern (P)2018 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

"Compassionate and honest in equal parts, The Gaslight Effect is like a sturdy, truth-telling friend in difficult times. Robin Stern will show you you're not alone in your toxic relationship, and she'll also help you identify your role and how to change - and be a stronger, wiser person as a result." (Rachel Simmons, best-selling author of Odd Girl Out)
"An essential survival tool. In a clear, comforting, and sophisticated voice, therapist Robin Stern takes her psychologically abused readers on a step-by-step journey that will help them take control of their lives and their destinies." (Phyllis Chesler, PhD, author of Woman's Inhumanity To Woman)

What members say

Average customer ratings

Overall

  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    31
  • 4 Stars
    6
  • 3 Stars
    3
  • 2 Stars
    0
  • 1 Stars
    3

Performance

  • 5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    26
  • 4 Stars
    4
  • 3 Stars
    0
  • 2 Stars
    1
  • 1 Stars
    0

Story

  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    25
  • 4 Stars
    4
  • 3 Stars
    0
  • 2 Stars
    1
  • 1 Stars
    2

Reviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

A guiding light in the darkness confusion caused by gaslighting

This book is essential reading for anyone who has been, or is, in an emotionally abusive relationship. In fact it would be helpful for anyone to read as anyone can be sucked into a psychologically abusive relationship as they start so subtly you don’t realise it’s happening until it’s too late. But this book makes sense of it all - how it happens and what to do about it!
Thank you for writing this book.

6 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars

Strong gender stereotypes

Really frustrating listening to this - if your male, don't bother listening to this! The content is good, but I'm less than half way through and can't listen to any more. I'm male and have been gasslighted by two female work colleagues over the years - emotions still quite raw. The examples in this book were helpful and confirmed thoughts... however the constant reference to the gaslighter as "He" and the gaslightee as "She"/"Her" in all dialog and the vast majority of examples is really unbalanced and insensitive. Especially given the emotive content of the book. It made me feel really uneasy. The subconscious message of the book was to me, I'm male... therefore I'm the problem. Several times it got me doubting myself, was my experience real or was I just being to sensitive. Ironically the authors deliberate choice not to give examples of male and female gasslighting triggered the emotions again... tried to ignore them, but had to stop listening as it felt like I was being constantly bombarded by it. If the author wanted to address male gasslighting, should have called the book gasslighting effect for women. Perhaps written another book for men?

7 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

It would be far better if it was not sexist

Having been gaslighted by a woman I find it deep offensivce that the author refers to almost every gas lighter as the man.

18 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars

interesting concept

worth a listen, some familiar situations and how to tackle them, would recommend listening if you are struggling in a relationship and cannot figure out exactly why

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

When the pain leads to gain

For me, it was a first to experience a powerful wave of shame and sorrow when I realised that I've been gaslighted for decades and went into that toxic tango.

Then I only could take one deep breath when the Tsunami hit with understanding how I gaslighted others including the one dearest to me.

It may not be so dramatic, compelling reading for those who have had the luck of growing up in a functional family and/or their brain is wired like that of majority of people, i. e. not scoring high/significant on the autistic spectrum as a result of neurodevelopmental diversity. Hence it may not send those lucky people on a tough, yet worthwhile, journey to their own interior to a place called "Me" where the treasure of tools and directions is buried to be unearthed if they wish to find there own authenticity that also makes them heard and seen.

2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars

Life dramaticaly changed

The book tought me to learn to solve the problem and how to use faith,spirit and different pover to sport something .Incredibley made me strong and able to be the controled of my Life.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Amazing and insightful

very good book

very insightful and thought provoking
would definitely recommend to listen to and not just once

got it ingrained into your mind

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

A must read for anyone enduring emotional abuse

This book is unbelievable. For ten years I knew there was something not quite right with my relationship but couldn’t quite put my finger on what. After seeking therapy for my confused, overwhelming and crazy feelings I was introduced to the term Gaslighting. Still not fully understanding the term, I stumbled across this book & it has given me so many answers to what I was feeling & why. It was like listening to someone talking about me & my relationship, such was the accuracy of the authors description of Gaslighting & the case studies / stories she presents.
I now understand the term Gaslighting, what it means and how it affects me. I understand what I’m experiencing & both my role and my partners role we each play in our unhealthy relationship. More importantly it has answered so many questions and given meaning to how I feel a lot of the time & reassurance that I’m not going crazy.
This book gives you strategies to stop the Gaslighting & turn the dynamics of your relationship around.
Thank you Dr Stern.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Really Important read

Painful at times but only because of the insight it offers.
Glad I read it

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for A. Demas
  • A. Demas
  • 14-08-18

Tough topic but important

This is so prevalent but important to read. It isn't the most enjoyable book but one to read for great awareness.

8 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for jalmquist
  • jalmquist
  • 13-11-19

Women's book

This is completely from a women's perspective. This book, in itself, is gaslighting every man that reads it. Men, do not read or listen to this garbage.

7 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Concerned nurse
  • Concerned nurse
  • 17-05-19

I prefer writers who don't politically polarize

Russian collusion & pretending not to spy while spying are also gaslighting. Politics are rough and should stay out of these kinds of books. I'm surprised she didn't balance the political climate or better yet, leave it out. I feel gaslighted. Such a wonderful opportunity to address real emotional safety to all of us in all walks of life.

7 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Courtenay
  • Courtenay
  • 20-12-18

I loved it because its harshly honest and needed

nothing has come close to explaining my issues better. its honest and impactful. happy I found it

3 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Sharon
  • Sharon
  • 01-08-19

This book is very bad.

This book is very bad. I can’t even get through it. The premise is wrong. Instead of teaching about gaslighting as abuse and that verbal abuse is wrong, it attempts to shift the blame onto the victim. “It takes two to tango.” This is absolutely wrong.

I feel sorry for every person who listens to this book and isn’t strong enough to recognize the abusive message. I’m very glad I was far enough into my recovery from emotional and verbal abuse to recognize that this book is far from the mark. I really tried to give it a chance, but I simply couldn’t listen anymore to this misguided and wrong advice.

There are far better resources out there on verbal abuse and gaslighting. This book is not helpful. Stay away.

14 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Matthew R McGee
  • Matthew R McGee
  • 03-11-18

Great introduction to the concept of Gaslighting

The term 'Gaslighting' is common vernacular in today's society. It can be heard on comedy TV shows as well as the nightly news, but most pop culture sources offer few specifics of what the phenomenon is. Dr. Stern coined the term 'Gaslighting' to create a construct to, more easily, define emotional and psychological abuse. There are many books on the subject. I don't recommend you stop with this one, but, perhaps, Dr. Sterns plain language and pioneering efforts make this book a great place to start a journey of understanding.

2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    2 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for K
  • K
  • 28-03-18

Political stuff... really?

I didn’t get this book to listen about the “gaslighting” of the Trump administration. Just irritated me.

47 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Norman
  • Norman
  • 26-11-19

Great Book!

I love that it has a lot of different examples of what gaslighting can look like! i also enjoyed the steps to turn off the gas if you find yourself being gaslighted.

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Cyndi Holder
  • Cyndi Holder
  • 12-02-19

Very Helpful

This book was very enlightening.. it was informative and helpful. I loved it from beginning to end.

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for twinkids
  • twinkids
  • 30-12-18

Solutions, Strategies & Hope

I learned so much from this book. I went from being a confused victim to learning how to empower MYSELF and stop the dance. One of the best books I've ever read !! Unstuck now

1 person found this helpful