Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, six seasons' worth of absolute chaos packed into one hour, and the executive decision to rebrand the entire podcast around "Gay Linda" and a severe vocabulary deficit.

One of us is so smashed by 9:00 PM that a French man named Clementine caused an immediate ADHD spiral, the other is coping with a hangover so violent that looking at a laptop screen is considered a workplace hazard, and Shakira is somewhere out there doing her Waka Waka again like nobody told her the World Cup is in America...

The shit show includes:

• Screaming "Salutations you motherfuckers!" at a table that is moving entirely too close

• Realizing that if you reduce Kerry Katona's Karaoke down to its initials, you're in a bit of a public relations crisis

• Watching Jane McDonald sing Cake by the Ocean at Mighty Hoopla while entering total homosexual nirvana

• Thinking your electrician is arriving on a Monday morning only to realize your flat is spotless for absolutely no reason

• Reforming 90s pop bands based entirely on their historical levels of festival homophobia

• Mistaking a digital handbag for a "digital ham and egg" because we are both starving and slightly orange

• A deep, existential panic about dying at age 72, which is practically next Tuesday

Current status: Highly uneducated, aggressively Northern, spiritually sponsored by "Gay Linda" and a 2-pint glass of gin and tonic.

Right, gather round babes because I need to talk to you about the most chaotic, unhinged, ICONIC podcast on the internet and I will not be taking questions.

We've got Gay Linda — yes, GAY LINDA, because somebody named her wrong and she has FORGIVEN but she has NOT forgotten — and her co-host Devina. Or Devine. Whatever darling, they're still working it out mid-episode.

These two sit down every week and cover the things that MATTER. Would you eat a perfectly formed takeaway dinner you found on the STREET? Is there active chlamydia on the tube escalator handles? What DO you do when you release the cannon from hell of a fart in a completely silent yoga class? These are the questions, babes. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS.

There's Sainsbury's fights. There's pizza thrown into a bush at midnight in Epping. There's birthday cakes being SPAT on and people still eating them. There's men coming out of gyms so beautiful that someone is genuinely considering joining a CHURCH.

It goes everywhere, it resolves nothing, and somehow by the end you're booking a spontaneous train to Bournemouth at 11pm.

Absolutely no notes. Total disaster. Cannot stop listening.

This is What Would Denise Do — and the answer is always, always more chaotic than you expected.

Welcome to What Would Denise Do (or What Would Hyrox Do, depending on which knee is currently cracking) the podcast where absolutely nothing is planned, everything is chaotic, and two gays try to pretend they have their lives together for 45 minutes.

One of us is living our best life (despite a very sick cat and some severe lack of bodily conditioning), the other is aggressively blocking people on TikTok and both of us are ready to look like Cynthia Erivo sprinting across a finish line in October.

The shit show includes:

• Pride Month Pandering: Corporate America changing logos and a straight pub in Brighton cashing in with a literal Twister mat.

• The "Conditioning" Lie: Convinced that holding onto the towel rail just to sit on the loo is actually a high-level fitness peak.

• Denise's AI Wisdom: Ringing up our resident oracle to solve the mystery of chatterboxes at the spa and boundary-crossing psychics.

• The Bennett Family Tree: An unhinged ancestry deep dive featuring six singing sisters, 31 children, and an aunt who contracted mad cow disease.

• Hemorrhoids & Chitchat: Debating why a stranger's stressful medical history and dry anatomy is actually elite-tier spa entertainment.

• Cher's 80th: Mistaking the pop goddess's birthday for an excuse to sing "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and quoting Victoria Wood in a muddy ditch.

Current status: Completely depleted, tracking Monsieur Babington the Third in the distance, and officially ready to go shirtless in October. Peace out!