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Some of the most “normal” habits in adulthood are actually old survival skills. When childhood trauma or adverse childhood experiences shape the brain, kids learn protective behaviors that secure connection with caregivers, even if the connection is unsafe. Years later, those same patterns can show up as people pleasing, perfectionism, overgiving, or sabotaging closeness and they can quietly erode marriages, friendships, and family bonds.

We respond to a listener who is living with someone with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD or CPTSD) and feels worn down and out of options. We break down why education matters for both survivors and the people who love them, using a clear definition of trauma rooted in compromised safety and lost choice. We also talk through the ACEs framework and how the adverse childhood experiences quiz can help survivors finally name their pain, reduce shame, and build self-compassion without dodging responsibility.

From there, we get practical. We dig into people pleasing as a fear of separation, why “yes” can be automatic, and how honest conversations and a safe inner circle make it possible to say no without panic. We also unpack perfectionism, why it often brings external success, and how it can damage intimacy by turning love into a performance review. The bottom line is hard but hopeful: your trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your choice and real change is possible with support.

If this resonates, share it with someone you love, subscribe so you do not miss the next conversation, and leave a review to help more survivors and loved ones find hope and help.

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Some of the behaviors you hate most about yourself might be proof that your brain did its job. Lauren Starnes joins me for a role-reversal conversation where she asks the questions and we go deep on adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), childhood trauma, and the nervous system patterns that can follow us into adulthood.

We break down what an ACE score actually measures, why trauma is individual, and why the point is never comparison, it’s clarity. We connect the dots between early attachment wounds and the adult “protectors” so many of us live with: perfectionism, people pleasing, overgiving, control, and even self-sabotage. If you’ve ever felt ashamed of how you cope, I want you to hear this: those patterns often started as survival strategies designed to keep you connected and safe.

We also talk about burnout and the window of tolerance, plus what it looks like to “grow” your nervous system instead of white-knuckling your way through life. Lauren shares why healing happens best in safe connection, not in isolation, and why practicing small, intentional imperfection can expand capacity over time. I also share why deeper memories can surface as we remove old survival blocks, and why you should never go to those places alone.

If this conversation hits close to home, share it with someone you trust, subscribe so you don’t miss the next one, and leave a review to help more people find support and hope. What protector do you recognize most in yourself right now?

What are ACEs and how do I know my score? Click here for quiz

Lauren Contact:

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that occur before age 18, including abuse, neglect, and household challenges. These experiences are strongly linked to long-term health, mental health, and relational outcomes.

The 10 ACE Categories

Abuse

1. Emotional abuse
2. Physical abuse
3. Sexual abuse

Neglect
4. Emotional neglect
5. Physical neglect

Household Challenges
6. Mother treated violently (domestic violence)
7. Household substance abuse
8. Household mental illness or suicide attempt
9. Parental separation or divorce
10. Incarcerated household member

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