I was the victim of a targeted pissing attack from a vengeful possum.

It was the only reasonable conclusion from the evidence.

The possum, aggrieved and angry at Matthew Simpson for reasons I would discover later, had revenge in its heart and pissed on me from a great height. All because I happened to walk out of Matt's house.

It was a hate crime.

I was covered in possum piss, and late for dinner.

It was unlikely the police would take a report seriously, so I continued about my day. But a hate crime it definitely was.

In retrospect, I may have over-attributed motive and intention to a random animal doing random animal things. But it sure FELT like I was being personally targeted.

In this Fink Tank Col talks about our tendency to attribute motives and intentions to situations, as described by Pascal Boyer in his book Minds Make Societies.

With a possum, it's pretty easy to see I’m drawing a long bow. The problem is we do it with people too, and it's less obviously unreasonable.

We're remarkably good at inventing explanations for other people's behaviour, and remarkably bad at remembering that we invented them.

My mum was delighted to see me get wanked on national television.

Host Ed Kavalee’s opening gaffe - mangling “thank” and “welcome” - set the tone perfectly for our segment on Cup Fever.

Tony Wilson and I were there to share our experience as travelling fans of the 2026 football World Cup.

It was an intimidating environment. A live studio audience. Bright lights and fancy cameras. I’ve known and loved these comedians for years. Working Dog, the parent company, made the classic Aussie film The Castle. “It’s the vibe, man!!”

To my delight, I DIDN’T SUCK!

Not sucking was the result of a journey that began with me sucking a lot, in my first radio interview two years ago.

I took inspiration from a lesson Col taught me.

Be shit. Watch and listen to yourself being shit. Work out why you're shit. Then be slightly less shit next time.

Repeat until your mum is proudly texting the family about you getting wanked on television.

I made some videos for a sports doctor, and what he said the next time I saw him floored me.

“Sorry mate, I haven’t actually watched the videos!”

I couldn’t BELIEVE it!! He’d paid me to make short explainer videos for his medical practice. They’re the first thing visitors to his website see. They’ve been live for six months. HE’S NEVER WATCHED THEM.

And I was back in his medical rooms because he’d asked me to make more. He was clearly happy with my work.

But he wasn’t buying what I thought I was selling. The videos themselves didn’t matter to him. He was doing what his practice manager had told him to do, and happily paying for it. He wanted a quick and painless experience in front of the camera, so he could get back to doing what he actually wanted to do with his time.

He doesn’t give a shit about the videos.

We’re terrible at imagining how the world looks from other people’s perspectives. As Col explains beautifully in this episode of the Fink Tank, there are ways to be curious and find out.

And as I learnt from facilitator and all round legend Kayleigh Woodings, “Don’t make decisions on behalf of someone else’s wallet.”