This week it’s just Kurt Money and Jonny Parlay holding it down and somehow we covered Epstein files, Chicago Bears geography, and a Jets Super Bowl simulation from DraftKings.

It’s peak offseason brain.

With nothing but 193 days until Week 1 and zero real football news, we spiral into:

🔊 This episode includes:

– NFL teams ranked by “Epstein file mentions” (yes, really)

– The Houston Texans being suspiciously clean

– Why the Washington Commanders are exactly where you think they are

– The Chicago Bears possibly moving to Indiana (Indiana Bears??)

– Why New Jersey Jets would officially end friendships

– States ranked by total championships (California is cheating)

– DraftKings simulating the Jets winning Super Bowl 61

– Most passing yards after age 40 (Brady is ridiculous)

– Free agent chaos: Kirk Cousins, Aaron Rodgers, Malik Willis

– Would the Jets actually sign Cousins?

– Every team’s last #1 overall pick

– The Eagles haven’t had the #1 pick since 1949

– Falcons stadium food prices vs New York robbery

– Travis Kelce wedding speculation

– 348 days until the next Super Bowl and already spiraling

💥 Offseason Themes:

– Jets delusion season

– Bears relocation drama

– Brady still ruining stat sheets

– Are we switching to DraftKings?

– Why being an adult is weird

– Why middle school is a lame name

This is what happens when there’s no football and too much time to think.

Guest & Sponsorship Inquiries - firstdowndawgs@viola.media

🎬 Timestamps:

00:00 The Warmup Preview

00:47 Kids Getting Dumber Debate

01:47 Starter Jackets and Bullying

02:21 Midlife Crisis Wisdom

03:22 Middle School Naming Wars

04:27 Writing Spelling and School

06:11 Back to School Idea

06:58 NFL Epstein Files Ranking

09:16 Countdown to Draft Season

09:56 Roman Numerals Confusion

10:42 Bears Moving to Indiana

13:39 Mohamed Sanu Wild Stat

15:53 States With Most Titles

19:14 NYC Split Fanbases

19:50 DraftKings Simulation Shock

21:34 Post-40 Passing Yard Kings

24:01 Falcons Tag And Cousins Cut

24:52 Atlanta Stadium Value Menu

27:13 Germany Game And Time Check

27:32 Notable NFL Free Agents

30:47 Kelce Swift Wedding Speculation

32:35 Last Number One Picks Trivia

35:53 Jets QB Plan And Wrap Up

New episodes dropping every Friday!

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