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Man Up / Man Down

Man Up / Man Down

By: Volker Ballueder and David Pawsey
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About this listen

We’ll discuss (and have the odd rant about) all the pressures of being a man, approaching (sorry, we have to say it) middle age. All the fears we have but are often too embarrassed to discuss with our friends. And even the fact that you no longer seem to have “friends” just colleagues and other dads that you nod to at school and club drop-offs. But we’ll also look at the science and psychology behind why we often feel how we feel, why even the most successful people (from business to sport to entertainment) can experience doubt and lack of direction and how small changes in your life, can achieve big results (whether you want to change career, drop a few pounds or just try and get some “you time” back in your life). We aren’t unique, and we want to share. So make sure you subscribe to listen to the second season of our podcast, which goes live about 3x a month!

Thanks, Dave & Volker

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

2023 Hygiene & Healthy Living Social Sciences
Episodes
  • Episode One - Intro to our podcast Man Up / Man Down

    Episode One - Intro to our podcast Man Up / Man Down
    Sep 19 2022
    David and Volker were introduced by a mutual colleague and really hit it off. Despite working on an unrelated project, they spent a lot of time discussing how much life had changed during the pandemic and how it had exacerbated and accelerated many of life’s challenges. David felt like he was going through, what he could only describe as, “a post-pandemic slump”. However, he had also noticed off-hand comments from friends and colleagues which suggested they were going through a similar experience. Maybe not full-blown breakdowns but there just seemed an undercurrent of exhaustion and low-level depression. And the more David and Volker discussed this the more they realised that this was as much related to where they were in life, the dreaded “middle age”, as the impact of lockdown and the pandemic. The more David and Volker got sidetracked by these discussions, the more they felt that they should be recording these thoughts. Mainly because David has struggled with mental health issues for most of his life and Volker has spent most of his life practicing mindfulness and teaching business leaders tools for resilience and success. Tools that could help middle-aged men that were struggling with the pressures of post-pandemic life. All strung around experiences and challenges that they have both experienced, that most men of our age could relate to: Children that no longer see you as the best thing since sliced breadAdapting to working from homeJuggling family and work commitmentsTaking better care of yourself (mentally and physically)Weight lossExerciseAlcoholFriendshipsLonelinessHappinessSuccessDepression, anxiety and other mental health issuesSleep/insomniaFinding time for your wife/partnerFinding time for yourselfGetting a puppy (Which always seems like a good idea on paper, particularly during lockdown). Sharing these interests and challenges, we decided to record an episode every week to cover topics we feel other middle-aged men could massively relate to but were perhaps afraid to discuss with their friends. We try and stick to the science as much as possible but there’s also a lot of rambling and ranting with a healthy dose of humour (both German and British). To find out more about who David and Volker are, just check out our website www.manupdown.com. The reason we called it that is because we were told from an early age to ‘Man Up’, don’t show emotions, be the breadwinner and look after the family. Yet there are so many men that are down and don’t talk about it. That’s what we want to change! In this inaugural episode, we talk a lot about ourselves of course, introducing you to our journey and our personalities. We talk about hindsight and insights into our life and what could have happened if, and why we are the way we are. What drives us on? What used to drive us on back then, and how has it changed in middle age? We are curious about what your journey has been so far, and how we might be able to help you. As said above, we can accommodate more topics, and will invite expert speakers later on in the podcast. Email us, let us know how we do to podcast@manupdown.com - or individually - volker@ or david@manupdown.com Why are we doing this? For one, it is to share our thoughts and experience because we know that so many people our age are also struggling with the same issues. By sharing our exeprinces and challenges we hope to help you to improve your life. We want to create a community and platform for people to share their experience, learn from each other, and become their better self. We are sharing a lot of thoughts about what we learned so far, what it means to grow up with certain expectations, and how we have to unlearn things in life. How has your upbringing influenced your life so far? How can you shed some of those influences to get unstuck in life and move forward? We are rambling on, but it’s just so important for men to open up and talk about the issues they are facing. We all have the same challenges and need to cope with life. We cannot just give up, although the statistic says that most people who give up and sadly take their own life, are men at the age of 45-49 (23.8 out of 100,000 - statistics from England). When we talk about those topics and you ever feel distressed, please seek professional help. We like to recommend Samaritans, but there are lots of organisations that can help you. And we must reiterate, you should seek professional help and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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    46 mins
  • Mid Life Crisis - what does it actually mean?

    Mid Life Crisis - what does it actually mean?
    Oct 3 2022
    This episode is all about identifying what the term midlife crisis actually means. What’s the actual age of a midlife crisis? Are we all destined to have one, regardless of what we have achieved in life? Is it just a natural part of human development or “growing up”? This is how Wikipedia, defines it: A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45 to 65 years old. The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly lack of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of intense depression, remorse, and high levels of anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to their current lifestyle or feel the wish to change past decisions and events. Studies on midlife crises show that they are less common than popularly believed, according to Vaillant (2012) in his 75-year longitudinal study on adult development, he found midlife crises were rare experiences for people involved in the study. The term was coined by Elliott Jaques in 1965. Steven Barlett said that ‘if he carries on like this, he will certainly have a midlife crisis’, yet he is only 29. And, by most standards, incredibly successful. So, what does that mean? Is a mid-life crisis career related or age-related. And with life expectancy steadily increasing, does that mean middle-age is being pushed back? Data shows that ⅓ of babies born will live to be 100. Check out your chances of making a century here. (Women are more likely to than men). Volker has been following the Modern Elder Academy for a while. It is the world's first wisdom school dedicated to midlife transitions. The Academy’s aim is to change the way society views ageing through its programs at its Baja campus, online, and its new location in Santa Fe, New Mexico (opens 2023). Is age just a number? We believe Chip Conley has been involved in this, and definitely a person to look up if you want to form an opinion. David suggested this HBR article. Is it about hindsight and lost opportunities? The sliding doors of making a decision that you might regret later. Is that when you start looking for a younger partner? Volker instead opted for the older model, getting himself a toy car, his pride, just before he turned 45. Others buy a boat, a motor bike, or non monetary start filling voids with new hobbies, the first marathon or a side hustle. Or in some cases have an affair… (Volker and David would like to point out they haven’t gone down that last route! Although David is happy to accept offers - JOKE!). Volker started his journey to get tattoos during lockdown. He isn’t the only one, there are articles about it, and people over 60 getting tattoos. Is it because children need us less when they grow up? Or because we are settled more in our job or relationship, needing to invest less time. Or is it as aforementioned that we are looking for a purpose? And during Covid we had more time, and we thought about life. We looked for new things to do. Covid can be seen as an accelerator to a midlife crisis or even a replacement. As David states, this description of a mid-life crisis could also relate to what many of us went through during lockdown: Neglect of personal hygiene Dramatic changes in sleep patternsWeight loss or gain Change in mood: anxietyWithdraw from relationships and usual routines (which we didn’t have much choice in at the height of the pandemic). For some, the crisis resulted in us paddling harder, finding new work, continuing with our routine, rather than giving in and slacking. Volker gives his view of lockdown, how he didn’t have time to watch Netflix because he couldn’t give up, he just put himself out there, working harder, keeping purpose and routines. He also learned how to up-cycle woodwork. We see this with older people as well, the ones that have purpose, keep physically and mentally active, are the ones that seem to have a more fulfilled and usually longer life. David admits he took an escapist approach - taking out a Disney+ subscription and rediscovering his love of reading fiction. He also got a new appreciation for the simple things in life, such as cuddling with his cat! Whilst we will talk more about alcohol in next week’s episode, we drank a lot more during lockdown. That also means that during a crisis, we go back and comfort ourselves with stimulus. It’s all about the excitement of building a new outdoor kitchen, learning how to BBQ meat properly, pizza ovens and all sorts of things. Any kind of void needs to be filled, and it’s the same with the midlife crisis. We shouldn’t forget that midlife crises are also happening to women, but there is probably another podcast for that too :-) We are running out of time when we turn 40+, don’t we? As we discussed, planning holidays with the kids, and things we...
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    42 mins
  • Let's talk about Alcohol and middle aged men

    Let's talk about Alcohol and middle aged men
    Oct 13 2022
    This week’s episode is all about alcohol. Many of us focus on various aspects of our mental and physical health but gloss over our relationship with alcohol. Most of us like a drink, and sometimes we have a bit more than we should. And as we get older, we gain weight, and a lot is down to alcohol. Alcohol has 7 calories per gram, almost the same as fat which has 9 calories per gram. And after a few drinks we then turn to snacks and junk food, we wouldn’t normally drink. And as we get older, our metabolism isn’t able to break calories down as quickly as they used to. That leads to us gaining weight. Both David and Volker have both lost a significant amount of weight in the past by cutting out alcohol but accept how ingrained alcohol is in our social lives. This is particularly true for men. Almost 59% of adult men report drinking alcohol in the past 30 days compared with 47% of adult women. Also, men are almost two times more likely to binge drink than women. Approximately 22% of men report binge drinking and on average do so 5 times a month, consuming 8 drinks per binge, according to the CDC website. While the two of us don’t suffer from physical alcohol dependencies, we both still like a tipple. But we don’t always know when to stop either. Volker admits that during his uni days there were times when he lost control or forgot what was going on. This is because alcohol inhibits the brain ability to construct memories. David and Volker are both very conscious in terms of how much they drink, and if you think you aren’t in control, please contact your GP or organisations that can help you with problem drinking. We believe alcohol is the only drug on the market where we get encouraged to take more of. No one ever says ‘come on, have another line of coke’ or ‘take another pill of x’, but people encourage you to ‘have one more drink’, or ‘don’t be a p*, have a drink’. We share a lot of stories around alcohol, and one of the reasons is that we grew up with it, and have been in environments where it was common to drink a lot. More than one should do. And we are not the only ones, it is very common, and unfortunately it leads to relationship problems, job problems and of course poor mental health. Regular, heavy drinking interferes with chemicals in the brain that are vital for good mental health. So while we might feel relaxed after a drink, in the long run alcohol has an impact on mental health and can contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety, and make stress harder to deal with. Sadly, people who suffer from alcoholism are up to 120 times more likely to take their own life than those who are not dependent on alcohol. This ties in with the stats we shared previously around increased suicide rates within middle aged men. Unfortunately though, it is still a badge of honour to be ‘hanging’ or not being a ‘lightweight’ - even at our age. If recreational drugs were tools, “alcohol would be a sledgehammer”. Few cognitive functions or behaviours escape the impact of alcohol... alcohol can disrupt or completely block the ability to form memories for events that transpire while a person is intoxicated, a type of impairment known as a blackout. What we also realise is that when we drink, we also eat more. The munchies after a few drinks, maybe even ordering a pizza or eating a kebab, contributing to weight gain. It also impacts how well we sleep. According to The Sleep Foundation, high amounts of alcohol (defined as more than 2 drinks for males) decreases sleep quality by 39%. According to Cancer Research no amount of alcohol is safe, and can cause 7 different types of cancer - including breast, bowel and mouth cancer as well as cancer of the liver. Yet we are often recommended to have a little bit of alcohol. We regularly see news in the press that a glass of red wine is good for your heart. However, it’s easy to over do it. The recommended units per week in the UK are 14 units. That’s pretty much a bottle of Shiraz. Technically a binge is 4 drinks over a 2 hour period. If you think about a football match, that’s easily done. We need to find a positive relationship with alcohol or relationship. There is no need to have a drink, and the fantasy that wine, similar to cigars, are a status symbol and a collectors item, is a marketing ploy. While we don’t want to tell you what to do, we encourage you to look at your relationships with drugs. And alcohol is a drug, as simple as that. Depending on your consumption, your liver can recover within 30 days, which we believe is a great incentive to do either ‘dry January’ or ‘sober in October’. Or both. Either way, reducing your alcohol consumption overall, and replacing it with maybe non alcoholic drinks or giving up completely, might be a good step. Or a very controlled way of drinking alcohol. The vicious cycle is that when we meet people in a social setting, you want to be part of the group ...
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    42 mins
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