Reality is a construct of perception. Carl is a construct of coffee and bad life choices. Here they meet in Carl versus Reality.

Salutations! Today, you’ve caught me mid-chore. I’m doing the washing up, so if you’ve got a pile of crusty plates staring you down, grab the Fairy Liquid and we’ll do 'em together. A job shared is a job halved, or so they say. Probably someone who didn't have a cat trying to trip them up on the stairs.

Speaking of which, we need to talk about Biscuit. He’s my cat, and I’m 90% sure he’s an assassin. Between the "staircase trip-wire" manoeuvres and the 4:00 AM throat-kneading, I’m living in a domestic thriller. I thought it was affection; turns out it might just be a slow-motion coup.

I also get into the absolute state of my workplace because I dared to wear glasses and—heaven forbid—blue jeans. Turns out, if you change one minor detail about your appearance after twenty years, people lose their minds. It’s been a week of "Oh, new glasses?" and "Where are your black jeans, Carl?" Honestly, it’s a lot to take in when you’re just trying to get through the day without being choked out by a feline.

In this episode:

• Chore-core: Doing the dishes together for moral support.
• Feline Assassins: Why Biscuit is the Wiley Coyote to my Roadrunner.
• The Great Spectacle Debate: Transitioning from contact lenses back to frames.
• Wardrobe Malfunctions: The social consequences of wearing blue denim.

If you want to support the madness, get among it at carlvsreality.com. All the links for TikTok, YouTube, and the rest are there.

Take care of yourselves. And watch your step on the stairs.

Ta-ta.

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Reality is a construct, but this cold I’ve had? That was very, very real. I’ve finally emerged from the duvet fortress, armed with some herbal supplements and my trusty Tascam, to go for a bit of a ramble. And by ramble, I mean both the physical act of walking through the mud and the mental act of talking absolute nonsense into a microphone.

I’m currently perched in a tree—don’t ask, it felt right at the time—somewhere about a mile and a half from civilisation. It’s freezing, I’m wearing a shacket (it’s a shirt, it’s a jacket, it’s a revolution), and I’m pondering the big questions. Like, why am I becoming less of a hermit as I get older? Why are there still unexploded bombs from the 40s lurking under Great Yarmouth? And would the Pearly Kings really be that offended if they just used a hot glue gun instead of sewing all those buttons?

It’s a bit of a look at mental health, the peace of the Norfolk/Suffolk wilderness, and the strange things you think about when you see a bloke with a metal detector. Come join me for a freezing cold natter in the woods.

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It’s been snowing in England. You know the drill: the country grinds to a halt, and we all forget how to use our legs. In this episode, I’m nursing my second cold in a month (ridiculous, I know) and pondering the sheer terror of walking on a frozen pavement. Why do we all walk in the same spot until it’s a sheet of glass? I’m 41, I can’t be doing with a broken hip just because I wanted to hear that "crunch" under my boots.

I also dive into the weird world of my subconscious. We’re talking full-on fever dreams involving a heist at Nintendo HQ, security guards dressed as Romans (very Life of Brian), and a dramatic escape through the Mushroom Kingdom's plumbing.

Plus, a cautionary tale about why you shouldn't mess with another man's Lego. It doesn't end well for the Lego, or my membership at the club.

In this episode:

• The Great British Snow-Panic: Why we’re obsessed with the "crunch" and the etiquette of snowball fights with children.
• Fever Dreams & Freud: Do dreams actually mean anything, or is it just my brain misfiring because of a blocked nose?
• The Nintendo Heist: My subconscious attempt to steal 90s retro cartridges from a basement full of green pipes.
• Lego Club Drama: A story of creative integrity and why smashing a rival's build is a one-way ticket to being chased out the door.
• The Cold Cycle: Living through the "two colds in a month" phenomenon.
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Grab a brew (I’m on the herbal tea, trying to survive) and join me for a natter about the absurdity of reality.

Keywords: UK snow, winter weather, retro gaming, Nintendo heist, Lego, dream interpretation, fever dreams, British podcast, casual chat, Carl Versus Reality.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.