🎯 "Mediation? With a NARCISSIST? Are you crazy?"

If that's your reaction, you're not alone. Most people in high-conflict divorce assume mediation is pointless when dealing with someone who has a personality disorder or active addiction.

But according to Liz Merrill—who spent 20 years married to a narcissist scientist before becoming a divorce mediator herself—it's worth trying. And here's why:

"A surprisingly high percentage of people who come with high conflict divorces get through the mediation process successfully without having to resort to litigation," Liz explains. "Because by the time they start mediating and working through and understanding what their options are, they kind of realize that they're not likely to get a better resolution by litigating."

Even if mediation doesn't result in settlement, you gain something invaluable: information.

"Keep your mouth shut and listen to what they're having to say and encourage them to talk," Liz advises for that crucial first session. "You will learn a lot about what's important to them, what they are thinking about, what their strategy might be. And that's all information that you can use in the future, even if you're not using it right now. And that's worth a lot."

This conversation reveals why mediation is always worth trying, how to prepare strategically, what you can realistically expect, and why sometimes the "difficult" partner actually comes to mediation thinking they're smarter than everyone else—which creates an opportunity.

What You'll Learn:

✅ Why high-conflict parties often come to mediation (thinking they can "bamboozle")
✅ The role of a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) in keeping things factual
✅ How facts, law, and math create a limited range of outcomes regardless of process
✅ Why it's "absolutely always worth trying" mediation (even if only costs a few thousand)
✅ The first session strategy: Keep your mouth shut and gather information
✅ What you can't mediate (hint: anything that happened in the past)
✅ How to prepare for mediation: agenda, goals, realistic expectations
✅ Why you shouldn't tell your mediator your "whole sad story"
✅ Strategic approach: Easy wins first to build goodwill vs. tackle hard stuff
✅ How to use what you learned in session one to inform session two
✅ Avoiding "barstool counsel" (Facebook groups, well-meaning friends)
✅ Second Saturday workshops: Free divorce education for women
✅ Why emotions are "on fire" and how professionals help manage them
✅ When Liz's daughters asked "Mom, can we get divorced?"

About Liz Merrill:

Liz Merrill, known as "the divorce whisperer," is a Colorado-based divorce mediator who spent 20 years in a marriage with a narcissist—a very successful research scientist considerably older than her. They had three daughters together and moved all over the world. "I thought I had to stay in this situation for my children and for my own safety and for my financial safety," Liz shares. When her daughters (all around mid-teens at the time) came to her and asked, "Mom, are we—can we get divorced? Why are we?" she realized she wasn't being brave by staying—she was scared. She filed that day. The divorce process was as horrible as she feared, requiring a loan to pay for it. She went from attorney to attorney trying to explain her situation, and "almost all of them were horrible to me. They were acting like I was the problem." This experience, combined with recognizing how badly the court system is set up for divorces (particularly for people in abusive marriages and domestic violence situations), caused her to shift careers midlife. She used her limited maintenance time to get mediation training and build her business. For seven years now, she's helped hundreds of couples navigate divorce, with her approach informed by lived experience of surviving high-conflict marriage.

"I finally got out of that toxic relationship! I'm never doing that again!"

Six months later: Same person, different body.

If this pattern sounds familiar, you're not alone—and according to trauma therapist Sherry Gaba, it's not your fault. But it is something you need to understand if you ever want to break free.
"Love addicts are in love with love," Sherry explains. "And when they don't have a relationship, it feels like they are in the ethers of emptiness. So they will often settle for less because they feel so empty."

That emptiness isn't weakness. It's not being "too needy" or "not strong enough." It's an attachment wound—often formed before you could even speak—that created a nervous system wired to associate chaos with love and safety with boredom.

The good news? Once you understand how trauma bonds form, how intermittent reinforcement hijacks your dopamine system, and why your body literally becomes addicted to emotional chaos, you can finally start rewiring your patterns.

What Makes This Conversation Essential:

🎯 Names the exact cycle ("same person, different body")
🎯 Explains WHY safe feels boring (nervous system conditioning)
🎯 Reveals early attachment wounds most people don't know they have
🎯 Shows how toxic partners "hook you in" from the beginning
🎯 Unpacks intermittent reinforcement = slot machine addiction
🎯 Provides daily practices for recognizing worth beyond people-pleasing
🎯 Shares Sherry's personal recovery journey (love addict → trauma therapist)
🎯 Explains different types of addiction (love vs. codependency vs. romance)
🎯 Offers specific 12-step program recommendations

Perfect For:

- Anyone who keeps attracting the same toxic partner
- People whose ex had addiction issues or personality disorders
- Those recovering from narcissistic abuse
- Anyone who feels empty without a romantic relationship
- People who find "stable" partners boring
- Those dealing with shame about their "bad picker"
- Anyone ready to understand the neuroscience of their patterns
- People who need permission to choose safety over excitement
- Those seeking community support that actually heals

About Sherry Gaba:

Sherry Gaba is living proof that understanding your patterns can transform your life. A psychotherapist and love addiction specialist, Sherry describes herself as "a love addict in recovery"—someone who experienced the emptiness, the people-pleasing, the turning herself "into a pretzel" to please unavailable partners. Her attachment wound? Being premature and spending her first three months in an incubator without maternal contact. "I was in an incubator. I did not get that first three months of attachment with my mom. So I had a lot of separation anxiety, attachment wounds." This early rupture, combined with an emotionally unavailable mother, set up lifelong patterns of seeking external validation. After being married to an alcoholic, Sherry shifted from working with addicts to working with families of addicts—recognizing her own codependency. Her specialty now encompasses love addiction, codependency, toxic relationships, and narcissistic abuse, using deep trauma therapy to help people connect internally rather than seeking external sources. Al-Anon literally changed the geography of her life—she moved from California to Florida because of connections made in recovery. Author of "Love Smacked," Sherry offers a free trauma quiz to help people understand the childhood roots of their relationship patterns.

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 - Introduction: Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships
01:28 - The link between domestic violence and love addiction
03:10 - Sherry's background: From addiction work to toxic relationships
04:54 - The early attachment wound: Premature birth and incubator effects
06:55 - Why you're attracted to what you know (e

🎯 "If I don't get validation from my partner (or - yikes - my ex), I can't function. I'm a mess unless I get that feedback, that positive reinforcement."

That's validation addiction, and according to Ralph Brewer, founder of Help for Men and author of five books including "The Dead Bedroom Fix" and "Rebuild: The Complete Guide," it's an epidemic affecting far more people than you'd think.

Most people assume this compulsive need for external validation is a "female thing"—the anxious, preoccupied partner always seeking reassurance. But Ralph works with thousands of men who fit this exact profile: codependent, anxiously attached, desperate for their partner's approval, and willing to tolerate almost anything as long as they get occasional positive reinforcement.

This conversation reveals the attachment dynamics behind toxic relationships, why men stay way too long hoping things will change, and what happens when men finally do show vulnerability—only to be punished for it.

What You'll Learn:

✅ What validation addiction actually is (and why it's different from just being "needy")
✅ Anxious vs. avoidant attachment: The relationship dance that creates misery
✅ Why most men seeking relationship help are codependent and anxiously attached
✅ The "toxic hopefulness" pattern: Why men keep saying "I'd take her back"
✅ How avoidant partners can appear almost narcissistic (but aren't quite)
✅ Why men don't seek help or open up about relationship problems
✅ The devastating pattern: Man shows vulnerability → Woman withdraws → Sex stops
✅ Sex as the "barometer" for relationship health (male perspective)
✅ What happens when a woman walks into a men's support group
✅ Why gender-specific support works when mixed groups don't
✅ The echo chamber problem: Getting validation instead of reality testing
✅ How the Brotherhood creates safe space for 1,400+ men

About Ralph Brewer:

Ralph Brewer is the founder of Help for Men and author of five books, including "The Dead Bedroom Fix" (which has sold hundreds of thousands of copies and brought roughly 80% of his membership) and "Rebuild: The Complete Guide." He runs a private membership community called the Brotherhood with over 1,400 men, offering discussion forums, live Zoom meetings, over 1,400 hours of audio content, coaching, courses, and in-person conferences. The organization just held its sixth annual conference and brings together men recovering from divorce, overcoming abusive relationships, and rebuilding their lives. Ralph has been creating content under the handle "Dad Starting Over" for over a decade, with some videos reaching millions of views.

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 - Introduction: Validation addiction isn't just a female thing
00:55 - Ralph's background: Help for Men, the Brotherhood, five books
02:58 - Defining validation addiction: Compulsive need for external approval
04:30 - Anxious vs. avoidant attachment styles in relationships
05:59 - Why men in our community seem more hopeful than women
07:48 - The "toxic hopefulness" pattern: "I'd take her back no matter what"
09:53 - Why men don't seek help or talk about relationship problems
11:40 - Society's message to men: You're weak if you can't handle her
13:55 - The shame of being controlled by someone "so much smaller than you"
16:22 - How abusive partners weaponize children to maintain control
18:54 - "Who you gonna go get, mister?" The emasculation tactic
19:52 - What happens when a woman walks into a men's group
21:18 - Sex as the barometer for relationship health (male perspective)
22:57 - The Dead Bedroom Fix: How Ralph's book built his community
23:16 - 70% buy lifetime membership: What that says about community value
24:00 - In-person conferences: Building real friendships beyond online support
25:00 - How to find Help for Men and the Brotherhood