What Have I Done?

An honest memoir about surviving postpartum psychosis

Preview

Failed to add items

Sorry, we are unable to add the item because your shopping cart is already at capacity.

Add to basket failed.

Please try again later

Add to wishlist failed.

Please try again later

Remove from wishlist failed.

Please try again later

Adding to library failed

Please try again

Follow podcast failed

Unfollow podcast failed

Get 30 days of Standard free

£5.99/mo after trial. Cancel monthly.

Try for £0.00

More purchase options

What Have I Done?

By: Laura Dockrill

Narrated by: Laura Dockrill

Try for £0.00

£5.99 a month after 30 days. Cancel anytime.

Buy Now for £11.20

About this listen

Brought to you by Penguin.

'A book to save a whole generation of women'
Adele

'This moving book was a pleasure to read and I didn't want to put it down. If anyone is going through a similar experience it will make them feel less alone'
Philippa Perry

This is a raw and honest memoir about being devastated by post-partum psychosis and coming through the other side.

Laura Dockrill had an idyllic pregnancy and couldn't wait to meet her new baby. But as she went into labour things began to go wrong and Laura started to struggle. A traumatic birth, anxiety about the baby, sleep deprivation, a slow recovery - all these things piled up until Laura (like any new mum) felt overwhelmed.

As many as 8 out of 10 new mums struggle in the weeks after birth. In Laura's case these feelings escalated scarily quickly into post-partum psychosis. She became paranoid and delusional and had to be institutionalised for a fortnight without her baby. Throughout this time she was haunted by a sense of: 'What have I done?', at first as she wondered if she could cope with her baby, and later because she was trying to grasp at reality as she slipped into nightmarish delusion.

Laura's experience was devastating but this is a hopeful book. Not only has Laura slowly recovered she has come out the other side stronger and more assured about parenting on her own terms. Now she is determined to break the silence around post-natal mental health and with her story tell new parents: you are not alone.

*ONE OF STYLIST'S BEST NON-FICTION BOOKS FOR 2020 AND EVENING STANDARD'S BEST BOOKS TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN 2020*

Praise for What Have I Done?

'A humblingly honest and human war report from the front lines of mothering psychosis and recovery; there is no other book like it, and it is so desperately needed'
Giovanna Fletcher

'This book will give women and their families confidence that the brain and body will heal. It will encourage other women to speak out'
Dr Jessica Heron, CEO of Action on Postpartum Psychosis

'A raw, honest, important book'
Caitlin Moran

'An amazing read. A comfort to women recovering who read this and realise that all their crazy mad thoughts were the illness; and not themselves'
Fiona Telford, postpartum psychosis survivor

©Laura Dockrill 2020 (P) Penguin Audio 2020

Laura DockrillLaura DockrillVintage Digital

Gender Studies

Mental Health

Motherhood

Parenting & Families

Psychology

Psychology & Mental Health

Relationships

Social Sciences

Women

Health

Gender Studies Mental Health Motherhood Parenting & Families Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Relationships Social Sciences Women Health

Critic reviews

Thank you for this book, for shining a light on the darkness of psychosis, an illness that absolutely does happen to people like us. I found this book a balm for my soul, and am grateful to Laura for bravely penning such a beautiful account of an illness that is rarely talked about (Bryony Gordon)

Mind-blowing (Lemn Sissay)

A book for those of us who didn’t have the fairytale. It’s important to know that even though things don’t always go to plan it doesn’t mean you aren’t a superhero or a power mum in your own right. Thank you Laura for making us all feel worthy. A must-read for all of those muddling through. (Paloma Faith)

I saw the end of the world in her eyes. I knew she was in there somewhere but she was being held prisoner by her mind and we were all helpless to it. Sometimes things happen to us which means we can save other people, my own experience with mental health helped save her and now here she is about to save a whole generation of women! (Adele)

A humblingly honest and human war-report from the front lines of mothering, psychosis and recovery: there is no other book like it, and it is so desperately needed. (Caitlin Moran)

Amazing. This book is proof that although Laura’s mind was her undoing, it is also an incredible asset which is going to help so many people. (Clemmie Telford)

Amazing. This book is proof that although Laura’s mind was her undoing, it is also an incredible asset which is going to help so many people. (Fiona Telford, postpartum psychosis survivor)

Laura’s raw, honest book gets to the core of postpartum psychosis. Her style is blunt, graphic, diary-like, unflinchingly confessional - at times so colloquial that we feel we know her, or we want to know her: for her bravery in writing this book, for her humanity, for her sisterhood. She has emerged with a greater understanding of self, with deeper compassion for those who suffer from mental illness, and with a determination to combat stigma and ignorance by speaking out. Ultimately I hope this book will give women and their families confidence that the brain and body will heal. And I hope it will encourage other women to speak out. (Dr Jessica Heron, CEO, Action on Postpartum Psychosis)

An incredibly powerful book. Brave, brilliant and so, so important. (Jessie Ware)

This book will bring hope to many women and their partners who have struggled with their mental health during this already nerve-wracking and overwhelming time. (Becca Maberly, @AMotherPlace)

Most relevant

So Amazing. A Raw honest Memoir. One of the best books I’ve ever read x