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The Velvet Rage

Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

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About this listen

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

©2005, 2006, 2012 Alan Downs (P)2012 HighBridge Company Gay Studies Gender Studies LGBTQ+ Studies Social Sciences Rage Mental Health Inspiring Thought-Provoking Substance abuse
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Most relevant
This has helped me understand and come to terms with many struggles and traumas. I read reviews from some people who talk about the book's gay stereotypes and middle class angles. But this, for me, didn't remotely prevent me from being able to draw from its therapeutic qualities. I'd recommend this book to all gay men. I wish I'd read/listened to this years ago.

A great source of comfort

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I loved this. It was interesting the whole way through. And there is invaluable advise you can cherish for years to come. It can be tough being gay, but it doesn't have to be.
I always had a feeling there was something wrong with me. Something missing. This book validates and highlights that thing that was missing. I hope all the best to anyone that gets this book. And that they work to find the peace they deserve.

If your gay, you need this.

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I found the examples of couples and their "problems" very interesting because i feel we all either have people with similar experience or we've experience it ourselves.

A good "read". A great "reader"

This experience finished too quickly! :)

A good material for reflection !

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Like many gay men I bought this book years ago and assumed it’s presence in my bookcase would convey its message. Losing my wonderful husband being widowed lockdown and finally coming out to my parents in my 40’s meant I found time to learn it’s lessons and reflect on all those times in my life gay shame led me to behave badly act impulsively or simply talk myself into despair. To make it more funny I’m also a psychologist. Now I have listened to this book I have a renewed vision and understanding of how I got here. But more importantly some things I need to change. If you’re a gay man and are any age of 30 (or indeed any age in some communities) you need to read this book. It just might make things better.

I finally listened.

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If you could sum up The Velvet Rage in three words, what would they be?

Better gay relationships.

What could Alan Downs have done to make this a more enjoyable book for you?

The resources suggested at the end of the book were not actually available when I went to look on line for them. The pace of the audiobook is a little slow but worth getting through.

Which character – as performed by Alan Downs – was your favourite?

N/A

Did you have an emotional reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?

There were a few parts that made me cry, laugh and gasp with realisation.

Any additional comments?

Very few people other than LGBT grow up being told they are wrong, sick, evil, demonic etc... Coming out as gay is only the beginning of healing the negative self image and inner pain most gay men experience growing up in a straight world. Internalised hate, because we believed the people who condemned us, often leads people to very dark places and destructive behaviours. Not just physically self destructive but emotionally also. The key to doing something about this is dealing with the shame issues around being gay. Not just resolving them but moving through to a new life phase where self acceptance and self love replace all the hurt and hate. This book takes the reader on that journey and I heartily recommend it to any gay/bi men and anyone who wishes to understand them more. I also thank Alan Downs for writing this life changing book which I have not only recommended to all my gay male friends but also discussed and promoted on an LGBT radio station where we were discussing gay shame issues.

Every gay man should read this.

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