This is not a lecture about drugs. This is about patterns.

In this episode, I go underneath my chapter Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes. I grew up in survival mode, watching my mom grind to keep us afloat. That shaped how I saw myself and left that quiet question on loop: Am I ever going to measure up.

That gap did not stay empty. I tried to fill it with curiosity, bravado, and bad decisions. I share two psychedelic nights that drove the lesson home: acid as a teenager, then years later a “hero dose” of mushrooms stacked on top of way too much alcohol. Panic. Shame. The scary beauty of losing control and realizing I was not invincible.

Then I zoom out, because the point is bigger than substances. When you grow up without much emotional safety, your nervous system learns to stay on high alert. You start scanning for danger, judgment, and proof that you do not belong. Eventually, you look for a button that gives instant relief. For some people, that button is drugs. For others it is alcohol, food, sex, shopping, gambling, or work. The buttons change, but the pattern does not.

If you have ever felt yourself chasing a feeling while the cost keeps going up, this will land.

Journal prompts:

1. What “game” do I keep signing up for even though I already know the outcome?

2. What is it really trying to fix in me?

3. What is it stealing from my peace, my sleep, my relationships, or my future?

Content note: substance use stories, panic, and mental health themes.