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#104. What's it like to handle a human heart? Or to operate in that small space between life and death? And is there grief for a surgeon when a patient dies during, or after, surgery?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #53 of 101: Loss of a life for a heart surgeon

Meet Mark Field, a cardiac surgeon from Liverpool (in the north of England) who joined me (Claire), in-between commitments at work, to talk about life, death and loss in heart surgery.

Now, this isn't a subject that's discussed much with surgeons, and you'll hear Mark say that even he had reservations talking about it, but it's such an important area to highlight. Just because you work in a career that encounters death, doesn't that mean you find it any easier to face than people in other jobs. And, like many other careers we've covered on the podcast, it's once again surprising how little training is provided to medical professionals when it comes to delivering the news of a patient’s death. Especially when people's responses to bad news are so varied.

I was introduced to Mark through the Aortic Dissection Charitable Trust, and knew this was a man I wanted to speak to when he sent me the best excuse for being late to a Zoom call ever. I received an email just after the start time had passed that simply said: “Sorry Claire. 5 minutes! Trying to prevent death!!”

In this conversation you'll hear about how hard it is when major operations don't end with a healthy recovery, how surgeons control (or don’t control) human emotions, the privilege of working with such a valuable organ, and why hope plays such an important role in Mark's job.

And because trying to co-ordinate the diaries of a journalist and a heart surgeon got really tricky, Chris wasn't able to join me in this episode, so I was flying solo for the first time in 53 losses.

If you want to hear how other careers handle dealing with death, visit www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat and scroll down to 'Jobs working with loss, grief and death' for a full list.

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#103. When a close family member dies, like a parent, it's easy to assume there was love there, but what if you're not sure if you loved that person, or even if they loved you, what does grief look like then?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #51 of 101: Loss of a dad ('that I don't know if I loved')

And yes, this means that as we've reached Loss 51 - we're officially over halfway through our 101 loss list! Exciting! Check out all previous episodes online at www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses or see our last episode where we reflected on the previous ten stories of loss and grief. But there are also many more to go, so back to today's guest...

In this episode you'll meet Thea Rickard, from Bristol in England. Thea's in her twenties and lost her dad, Jonathan Rickard, when he was in his sixties in 2018. About a year ago she produced a short audio documentary called Our Dad (link below) which Chris listened to and then shared with me, because something she said caught his attention: 'Grieving for somebody, or the idea of somebody, who you’re not sure if you loved, is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered.' Keen to explore what it's like to grieve someone you don't know if you loved, especially a parent, we invited her to talk about it with us on the podcast.

As Thea has reflected on her dad’s life, his relationship with alcohol, his dream to be an actor, the terrifying and the tender moments she's seen in him, she's had to explore what it's like to grieve for a man she wasn't sure if she loved, or even if he loved her. Like she said in her documentary: ‘It would be easier if he was “the villain” of the piece, but he’s not the antagonist in a story, he’s a human being.’

There is so much wisdom and empathy in this chat, well beyond Thea's years, so we know you’re going to appreciate this very honest conversation.

To listen to Thea's 15 minute audio project, 'Our Dad', where she talks about her father with her siblings, visit: https://soundcloud.com/thearickard/ourdad

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#102. I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them. So that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me and my phone, in a graveyard (and sometimes Chris!).

Welcome to another Graveyard Musing from me, Claire Sandys (host of The Silent Why podcast).

In this musing, Chris (husband) and I are wandering around Llanfair Talhaiarn Cemetery in North Wales.

Come with us to hear the sounds of the Welsh countryside (a.k.a. sheep!) and hear our thoughts as we look around a beautiful cemetery in a valley in the gorgeous Welsh countryside.

If you want to hear more episodes like this, check out:

Graveyard Musings, Tyne Cot & Ypres, Belgium: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7f63d7e9/graveyard-musings-tyne-cot-and-ypres-belgium

Graveyard Musings: Gloucestershire, England (Part 1 of 3):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76b3f1f7/graveyard-musings-gloucestershire-england-part-1

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What's a Herman? - thesilentwhy.com/herman

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How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#101. Another milestone reached! We've hit loss number 50 on our mission to explore 101 different types, meaning we only have 51 (!) to go. So we're just half an episode away from being halfway through all 101!

In this episode we (Chris & Claire Sandys) pause briefly to discuss the last batch of losses, 41-50, and what nuggets of wisdom we've taken from each guest.

We're loving every second of talking to others on this podcast, but we're also learning a lot about healthy ways to process our own grief, whether childlessness, pets, relatives, friends, health, or even just the day-to-day losses we sometimes face.

And the not-yet-famous-but-might-be-one-day 'Hermontage' is back! As we, once again, mix together the last 10 guest's Hermans. If you don't know what a Herman is, check out the link below.

Huge thanks to Losses 41-50: Lisa Kolb Ruland, Harry Kind, Chris Lord-Brown and Jonathen Harty (double guest episode), Samantha Langford, Margaret Reed Roberts, Jody Day, Jeanette Koncikowski, Julia Trehane, John Cronin and Catherine Fowler (another double guest episode), and Stephen Downes.

Plus, we end this episode with something very special - The Herman Song, sent to us by an avid Silent Why listener and supporter - John Cunningham.

If you'd like to see our guests and encourage them, pop over to our social media for the latest collage of their lovely faces and hit 'like'.

To listen to the full episodes go to: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses.

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#100. When you lose your dominant arm, what's worse, the emotional toll, or the physical loss?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to chat about grief and see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #50 of 101: Loss of a left arm and shoulder

Meet Stephen Downes from Cornwall, who was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma at the age of 22 when he found a lump in his neck on Christmas Day, 1997. After intensive radiotherapy that seemed to be it, until he felt another lump in the same place in 2022.

Diagnosed as a myxofibrosarcoma (a rare malignant, cancerous, tumour) Stephen was told he would need to have his left arm, shoulder and three ribs removed or the cancer would kill him. Just weeks later he had a 14-hour operation to remove it all in Derriford Hospital (a teaching hospital with an integrated Ministry of Defence Hospital Unit).

This is a very honest conversation about a very big, and very recent loss. Stephen talks about how others have responded to his amputation, when he does and doesn't need help, whether he minds people asking about it, why this hasn't been the hardest loss he’s had to face, and what mentality keeps him going and persevering to do the things he loves - like surfing.

For more about Stephen:
https://www.instagram.com/the_onearmedsurfer/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100087628640542
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557078361569
https://www.linkedin.com/in/onearmedsurfer/

His Podcast: 'Chopped: Strength through Vulnerability': https://open.spotify.com/show/25U9PwuZPoHMzEmqklrten

Plus, the episode we mentioned about the loss of an arm, and a career (Loss 4/101 with Dan Richards): https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/4a76699e/loss-4101-loss-of-a-right-arm-and-shoulder-dan-richards

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Support the show through buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy or by buying a Herman: thehermancompany.com

What's a Herman? - thesilentwhy.com/herman

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How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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#099. Here it is again - Mother's Day.

As many mum's across the UK will be glowing with pride at the presents their children offer, other women will be wincing a little (or a lot) every time they see these words. Well, as a childless-not-by-choice (cnbc) woman I know how they feel, and I'm here to share how I'm learning to mark it without letting it mark me.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around loss and grief and to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss. It's hosted by me (Claire Sandys), with husband Chris joining in for the '101 loss list' episodes.

For this episode, I'm re-releasing a recording I did last year just after Mother's Day (with a newly added intro for you this year). I had decided to do things a little differently in 2023 and I just switched the microphone on and winged it! Working from a few notes I made on my Supernote, I chatted about why Mother's Day is a challenge, who struggles with it, how I get through it, how we can refocus it, and what I've found to be helpful along the way.

And don't forget if you know someone that really struggles with Mother's Day, why not send them a Herman? It doesn't have to arrive on the day, and it might be just the boost they need: www.thehermancompany.com

For more about our childless journey listen to Episode 3 - Loss of fertility - where we chat in more detail about our experience: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/492a29c1/loss-3101-loss-of-fertility-chris-and-claire-sandys-part-1

For the full blog post by Amy Young that I read from: https://www.messymiddle.com/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/

And if there are certain losses you'd like to learn more about from us, or our guests, scroll down the 'Let's Chat...' page on our website to the list of topics and you can see some of our episodes categorised there: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat

Or you can see our full list of 101 los

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Are you struggling at the moment? Do you feel lonely in what you're facing? If you answer "yes" then this episode is for you.
However, if the answer is "not at the moment" then I also think it's for you too.
And if life is just peachy keen right now, then you might still want to lean in, to be able to help those around you who are finding life tough.

Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are weekly audio shorts of my latest blog post. If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/yourenottheonlyone

If I said to you 'you're not the only one going through this' you might think I was stating the obvious or being a bit insensitive, but the reason a lot of us suffer for longer than we need to in grief, loss, ill-health etc is because on some level we DO believe we're completely alone in what we're going through.

This way of thinking is lonely and isolating, and can be more detrimental us that we realise. But when we really acknowledge that we're not alone in our grief, loss or pain, and start to connect with others in similar situations, it can be a powerful step on our way towards healing.

And that's what I want to help you with today - helping you feel less alone.

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Support the show through buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy or by buying a Herman: thehermancompany.com

What's a Herman? - thesilentwhy.com/herman

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How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#098. Let's Chat... about the amazing part that colour can play at a funeral.

Let’s Chat episodes are with guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss. In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to the very lovely Jen Watson, a Funeral Celebrant in Kent.

I first heard about Jen on our Funeral-Director-Work-Experience trip to North Wales. Back then she was known as Jen Wilkinson, but now she has a new name, a new patch to work on, and it was great to finally connect with her.

Jen setup JW Celebrancy in 2021 after qualifying as a Funeral Celebrant and has cultivated a very vibrant way to brand her services - which I was eager to chat to her about.

Jen offers empathetic and colourful services for bereaved families to help them share their loved one’s final life-story. She has a beautiful way of involving colours in a funeral (which leaves you desperate to get a glimpse at her wardrobe) and shares how she's developed this, and why she's never led a service in full black.

It's a great conversation that will make you smile and well-up, and inspire you when it comes to funeral planning, as well as give you a whole new take on how other people celebrate their loved ones when they die.

For more about Jen, visit her website or social media:
https://jwcelebrancy.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/JenWatsonFuneralCelebrantJWCelebrancy
https://www.instagram.com/jenwatsonfuneralcelebrant/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jen-jwcelebrancy/

And Jen is also the proud owner of Herman and did this great video on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/C2KIfpXs4dA/

For my previous chats with Funeral Celebrants & Funeral Directors, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat

For Loss 43/101: Loss of life for a Funeral Director:
https://www

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Support the show through buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy or by buying a Herman: thehermancompany.com

What's a Herman? - thesilentwhy.com/herman

Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter

How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

Thank you for listening.