In this replay episode host Monique Koven speaks with self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff about applying self-compassion to complex and developmental trauma. Neff explains how tender care and fierce boundary-setting work together, shares practical grounding and self-compassion exercises, and discusses why painful reactions during practice can be normal.

Resources mentioned Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff’s book https://link.amazon/B0dnu4r2a

• Fierce Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff’s book https://link.amazon/B04aiCdBa
• Mindful Self-Compassion — the program Kristin Neff co-developed with Chris Germer https://link.amazon/B04ilXsbt
• Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
• selfcompassion.org
• www.thehealingtraumapodcast.com

In this rerelease conversation, returning guest therapist & author Deb Dana answers your questions. Deb delves into the Polyvagal Theory, explaining its significance in understanding the autonomic nervous system and its impact on our daily experiences. She discusses the hierarchy of the nervous system, the importance of co-regulation, and the process of befriending one's nervous system. The conversation also addresses the challenges of building capacity in a reactive system, practicing regulating tools, and navigating anxiety. She also emphasizes the need for safe connections and the role of attachment and boundaries in our relationships, providing insights into how to reshape our nervous systems for better emotional health.

takeaways

• Polyvagal Theory helps us understand our autonomic nervous system.
• The autonomic nervous system has a hierarchy of responses.
• Ventral state is where we experience wellbeing.
• Co-regulation is essential for survival and thriving.
• Befriending your nervous system is a process of gathering information.
• Building capacity in a reactive system takes time and patience.
• Practicing regulating tools is crucial for emotional health.
• Listening to your nervous system is key to understanding your needs.
• Safe connections are vital for healing and growth.
• Attachment styles influence our relationships and boundaries.

Deb Dana's Books & Resources:

Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory https://amzn.to/3GSm8Lj

Polyvagal Practices: Anchoring the Self in Safety https://amzn.to/4515qBj

The Nervous System Workbook: Practical Exercises to Ease Anxiety, Find Safety, and Come Home to Yourself Using Polyvagal Theory https://amzn.to/4mdNzOw

Polyvagal Card Deck: 58 Practices for Calm and Change https://amzn.to/3TZkw5m

Polyvagal Exercises for Therapists and Clients: 50 Client-Centered Practices https://amzn.to/4lYl4oc

https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/

In this replay episode, Monique speaks with therapist and author Jenna Riemersma about Internal Family Systems, or IFS, and a compassionate way to work with the wounded parts of ourselves. Jenna explains why healing often starts by moving toward what we usually want to avoid, and how that shift can reduce shame, increase self-understanding, and create real internal change.They also discuss the difference between burdened parts and core self, how protective “wall” parts operate, and why healthy boundaries come from self rather than reactivity. Jenna shares a simple three-step practice called move toward: notice, know, and need.

• Jenna explains how IFS views people as fundamentally good, with a core self that remains intact even after trauma
• The conversation centers on the idea that parts of us are not bad, but burdened by traumatic experiences and stuck in protective roles
• Monique and Jenna discuss how shame, rage, numbness, addiction, and dissociation can all be understood as parts trying to help
• Jenna uses the sun and clouds metaphor to explain why core self can feel inaccessible when protective parts take over
• A practical framework is introduced: move toward, which includes three steps - notice, know, and need
• Jenna gives a personal example involving canceled plans and how an abandoned, rejected part was triggered by present-day stress
• The episode explores why even one step of compassionate noticing can be deeply transformative
• Monique asks about wall parts, and Jenna explains how protective shutdown can feel like boundaries but usually functions as isolation
• Healthy boundaries are framed as something that can only come from core self, not from angry, fearful, or manipulative parts
• Jenna explains why “what’s in the way is the way” and how every part can become a doorway to healing

Jenna's books:

Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapy https://amzn.to/4y7KLsv

Move Toward: A Simplified IFS Therapy Tool to Welcome All Parts of You https://amzn.to/45yy9OQ