In this replay episode host Monique Koven speaks with self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff about applying self-compassion to complex and developmental trauma. Neff explains how tender care and fierce boundary-setting work together, shares practical grounding and self-compassion exercises, and discusses why painful reactions during practice can be normal.

Resources mentioned Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff’s book https://link.amazon/B0dnu4r2a

• Fierce Self-Compassion — Kristin Neff’s book https://link.amazon/B04aiCdBa
• Mindful Self-Compassion — the program Kristin Neff co-developed with Chris Germer https://link.amazon/B04ilXsbt
• Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
• selfcompassion.org
• www.thehealingtraumapodcast.com

In this rerelease conversation, returning guest therapist & author Deb Dana answers your questions. Deb delves into the Polyvagal Theory, explaining its significance in understanding the autonomic nervous system and its impact on our daily experiences. She discusses the hierarchy of the nervous system, the importance of co-regulation, and the process of befriending one's nervous system. The conversation also addresses the challenges of building capacity in a reactive system, practicing regulating tools, and navigating anxiety. She also emphasizes the need for safe connections and the role of attachment and boundaries in our relationships, providing insights into how to reshape our nervous systems for better emotional health.

takeaways

• Polyvagal Theory helps us understand our autonomic nervous system.
• The autonomic nervous system has a hierarchy of responses.
• Ventral state is where we experience wellbeing.
• Co-regulation is essential for survival and thriving.
• Befriending your nervous system is a process of gathering information.
• Building capacity in a reactive system takes time and patience.
• Practicing regulating tools is crucial for emotional health.
• Listening to your nervous system is key to understanding your needs.
• Safe connections are vital for healing and growth.
• Attachment styles influence our relationships and boundaries.

Deb Dana's Books & Resources:

Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory https://amzn.to/3GSm8Lj

Polyvagal Practices: Anchoring the Self in Safety https://amzn.to/4515qBj

The Nervous System Workbook: Practical Exercises to Ease Anxiety, Find Safety, and Come Home to Yourself Using Polyvagal Theory https://amzn.to/4mdNzOw

Polyvagal Card Deck: 58 Practices for Calm and Change https://amzn.to/3TZkw5m

Polyvagal Exercises for Therapists and Clients: 50 Client-Centered Practices https://amzn.to/4lYl4oc

https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/

In this replay episode, Monique speaks with therapist and author Jenna Riemersma about Internal Family Systems, or IFS, and a compassionate way to work with the wounded parts of ourselves. Jenna explains why healing often starts by moving toward what we usually want to avoid, and how that shift can reduce shame, increase self-understanding, and create real internal change.They also discuss the difference between burdened parts and core self, how protective “wall” parts operate, and why healthy boundaries come from self rather than reactivity. Jenna shares a simple three-step practice called move toward: notice, know, and need.

• Jenna explains how IFS views people as fundamentally good, with a core self that remains intact even after trauma
• The conversation centers on the idea that parts of us are not bad, but burdened by traumatic experiences and stuck in protective roles
• Monique and Jenna discuss how shame, rage, numbness, addiction, and dissociation can all be understood as parts trying to help
• Jenna uses the sun and clouds metaphor to explain why core self can feel inaccessible when protective parts take over
• A practical framework is introduced: move toward, which includes three steps - notice, know, and need
• Jenna gives a personal example involving canceled plans and how an abandoned, rejected part was triggered by present-day stress
• The episode explores why even one step of compassionate noticing can be deeply transformative
• Monique asks about wall parts, and Jenna explains how protective shutdown can feel like boundaries but usually functions as isolation
• Healthy boundaries are framed as something that can only come from core self, not from angry, fearful, or manipulative parts
• Jenna explains why “what’s in the way is the way” and how every part can become a doorway to healing

Jenna's books:

Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapy https://amzn.to/4y7KLsv

Move Toward: A Simplified IFS Therapy Tool to Welcome All Parts of You https://amzn.to/45yy9OQ

In this mini episode, host Monique Koven explores the profound impact of attachment trauma, especially from caregivers who are frightening or unreliable. She discusses how these early experiences shape our nervous system, influence our relationships, and how understanding these patterns can foster self-compassion and healing.

All New Episode With Dr. Lindsay Gibson

You Can Be The Mother You Needed : In this brand new episode, Dr. Lindsay Gibson shares her groundbreaking approach to parenting, emphasizing the importance of understanding emotional maturity in children and how to foster it. Monique and Lindsay explore the dynamics of emotional immaturity, how past traumas affect parenting styles, and practical mindsets that nurture resilient, emotionally aware kids.

About our guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and bestselling author of a number of books, including Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and her new book, How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child.

What you'll discover in this conversation:

The core differences between emotionally mature and immature parents

childhood trauma and early attachment influence parenting

The concept of emotional needs: contact, soothing, proximity

The significance of seeing children as real inside with their own inner worlds

The importance of protective parenting and setting a safe emotional foundation

The seven mindsets that underpin emotionally intelligent parenting

Strategies to help children develop internal representations of their world

How to respond to children's behavior as a form of communication

The role of empathy and sensitivity in emotional development

Practical ways to show children they are understood, safe, and valued

Order Lindsay Gibson's new book "How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child ;

https://amzn.to/3SBLySE

Watch The Full Episode https://youtu.be/c0iuE9szrJA?si=F8uuxa5B6lw-RdRL

In this replay conversation, my guest renowned trauma expert Dr. Janina Fisher discusses her model TIST (Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment) and the concept of the living legacy of trauma, emphasizing how trauma's effects persist in the body and mind beyond past events. She explores dissociation, fragmentation, and practical approaches to healing trauma by addressing these living legacies.Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation

Janina's Books

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation https://amzn.to/4uyDtMy

Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists https://amzn.to/4dbcHCC

Embracing Our Fragmented Selves: A Workbook for Trauma Survivors and Therapists https://amzn.to/4cWI4Ci

https://janinafisher.com/

In this replay interview, trauma expert Kathy Steele explores the complex world of dissociation, trauma, and mental health. She discusses different types of dissociation, the development of self, and practical strategies for healing and integration.

Books:

Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) https://amzn.to/4f0KPUA

Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) https://amzn.to/49JG7XC

Trauma-Related Dissociation Two-Book Set https://amzn.to/4tSvCsq

Kathy's website: https://www.kathy-steele.com/

In this replay episode, Dr. Lindsay Gibson is back just in time for Mother's Day.

About our Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of the Emotional Immaturity series of books, including her bestseller Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

In this conversation, Monique and Lindsay discuss the complexities of navigating Mother's Day emotions, particularly for those with emotionally immature parents. They explore the conflicting feelings of grief and obligation, the importance of self-validation, and practical tips for managing relationships during this challenging time. The discussion emphasizes the need for self-care and reconnecting with one's true self to foster personal growth and healing.

Takeaways

• Mother's Day can evoke mixed emotions, including grief and obligation.
• It's important to honour your own feelings during this holiday.
• Emotional immaturity in parents can complicate relationships.
• Self-validation is crucial for emotional well-being.
• Finding a balance between honouring a parent and honouring oneself is key.
• It's okay to choose how to engage with emotionally immature parents.
• Reconnecting with oneself is essential for personal growth.
• Practicing self-care can help manage emotional turmoil.
• Taking a pause to reflect on feelings can lead to better self-understanding.
• 
  

Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents

https://amzn.to/4kpLu1l

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy

https://amzn.to/42YKdHg

Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self, and Live with Confidence

https://amzn.to/3RTG6XX

Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents

https://amzn.to/44qhHRo

Connect with Monique on IG https://www.instagram.com/thehealingtraumapodcast/