This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman. Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner.

Say it louder for the people in the back!

“YOUR DAD IS A MAILMAN, AND SO ARE YOU!!!”

Hesitant haberdasher becomes heroic, harangues in Hamlet, handles hefty hauls of hearsay, hating on Holnists, holding hope, hearing Hallelujah however he hears it! Meanie Pants militias! Shakespeare shakeoffs! All they eat in the future is soup! Body father lady throbbers! Abby the spermchaser! Good job, Mr. Sex… Man! Taking a peak in the freezy creek! Post people popped on patrol so he patriots the whole process personally! You spelled tyranny wrong, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we get into 2009’s Splice, a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess!

Let’s go!

Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First-person birth canals! Fleshy wieners and slimy ding-dongs! The only two goo-producing wieners in town! Inseminated uterus bots! Jack doritos! Rogue elements in the junk jeans! Clive’s gooey two-shoes! Shiny scorpion stabbers! Going back to the Dren den! Concentrated secretions! Paying pregnant people to pop out penis persons! Giving the flying fish woman his slippery digit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter.

None of this matters.

Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpions are spiders! CG-Aye-Aye-Aye! Non-flesh Imhotep! Jock rockin’ Rob! Bring back the skin beetles! Super fucking bullshit hieroglyphic spoken trash babble! Double-decker London bus theft! Lots of sucking, so much sucking! Alex running from inaccurate rifle fire! Anck-su-namun’s today body! All pyramids are the Pentagon! Waterface eats the balloon! Steggles & Gooch, Attorneys at Law, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we kick off SEASON 27 with our favorite sentient gasbag, Steven Seagal. Attack Force came out at the height of his direct-to-video downfall, and boy does this one stink! Who would have thought that the guy who brought us On Deadly Ground could fall so far from grace.

Wshhhshhshhhshh!!!

Seagal, supple and sauntering, unsubtly switches speak, swinging sharp slicers, sucking up scenery, unsexily secreting salty sweat! Leathered Matrix men! Military hardware highjacking! Steven Sheen! Damn, he’s so good! Green marines splitting the scene! Foggy gumbo bags! Tandem hole jams! The ole stripper puke exclusion! Marshall Martin meets his makeout mistress at the midtown mocha market! Reina, the vampire stripper? Pimp and his blood-sucking CTX hoes, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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"WARRIORSSSS! COME OUT TO PLAYEEYYYEHHHH!"

Good movie week, we really need it after this dungpile of a season!

Wailing whippersnappers, The Warriors, wreck, rampage, and wander, worse for wear, waiting for war! Crime messiah killed by pariah! Vibe check 5000! DJ’s “Feed me, Seymour” mouth!” Baseball furies! Spending money to wet the set! Mercy’s nipples! 30 Orphans line up for war! Radio mouth reminders! A gaggle of gangster lesbians! Ever-increasing hick lines! Bringing the winning knife to a gunfight, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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War of the worlds! Not the H.G. Wells novel! Not the Spielberg one! Nope. ICE CUBE, MOTHERFUCKER! This was a gnarly experience. We complained about it so much that our episode is longer than the actual movie. Chew on that, Jeff Bezos, you bald-headed fuck!

“Ohhhhh my godddddd.” -Ice Cube, Probably.

Alien annihilation, amazon advertisements, awesome! Techno tendrils whipping out all sexy like? Faith calls the Cube Father! Helicopter hit, “how you?” Mark’s Prime Video van? Daddy Cube is coming! Your mouth was made to suck my … data! Cumsocks on Ebay! Amazon ass play! Sexy tech babe tentacles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we bust our Chuck cherries on air with 1985’s Invasion U.S.A. Terrorists don’t get killed by Chuck Norris. They kill themselves when they know that Chuck Norris is coming for them! Russians are the big bad, just like in real life today!

USA! USA! USA!

Naughty, nut-knocking nemesis napalms Norris’ nest, Norris nullifies with knuckle sandwiches, nasty nomadic NORAD network, and never not negotiating. Shaking the rust off of Rostov, the cock shooter! Episodic, chaotic, and downright idiotic! Gliding through the bayou! Oily reflections on the flesh! Farm to table gator dogs! Shrink wrap face chocolate?! Breaching the bayou abode! Multiple swamp gliders bombarding the bungalow, putting bullets in the backwoods bestie! Vodka by piss proxy! Little bitch unit biker gang! Ted the Fed, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we unpack Showdown in Little Tokyo; Brandon Lee’s other perfect masterpiece. Is this truly a bad movie, or was it simply way before its time? Come join us and find out whether this one is passable, or one of the worst movies ever made!

Hyeuhhh!

Crow cop and Chris Kenner kick yakuza killers with kraw and krueahhhghhhh and kruhhhh! Uneven distribution of evil! Kenner is kinda cardboard! Warmup suicide stretches! Mailbox baseball head popping! Single punch power shots! Singers and sushi servants in the skinny, and two totally ‘sposed sumo spar ladies! Buddy cop bonding moments! Easting fish off those naked chicks! Sushi skin salt runoff! Steamy sumo thongs! Bathhouse bad boys! Every cousin has a futon! Equestrian erection! Wheels of misfortune, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com