This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman. Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner.

Say it louder for the people in the back!

“YOUR DAD IS A MAILMAN, AND SO ARE YOU!!!”

Hesitant haberdasher becomes heroic, harangues in Hamlet, handles hefty hauls of hearsay, hating on Holnists, holding hope, hearing Hallelujah however he hears it! Meanie Pants militias! Shakespeare shakeoffs! All they eat in the future is soup! Body father lady throbbers! Abby the spermchaser! Good job, Mr. Sex… Man! Taking a peak in the freezy creek! Post people popped on patrol so he patriots the whole process personally! You spelled tyranny wrong, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 2009’s Splice, a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess!

Let’s go!

Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First-person birth canals! Fleshy wieners and slimy ding-dongs! The only two goo-producing wieners in town! Inseminated uterus bots! Jack doritos! Rogue elements in the junk jeans! Clive’s gooey two-shoes! Shiny scorpion stabbers! Going back to the Dren den! Concentrated secretions! Paying pregnant people to pop out penis persons! Giving the flying fish woman his slippery digit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter.

None of this matters.

Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpions are spiders! CG-Aye-Aye-Aye! Non-flesh Imhotep! Jock rockin’ Rob! Bring back the skin beetles! Super fucking bullshit hieroglyphic spoken trash babble! Double-decker London bus theft! Lots of sucking, so much sucking! Alex running from inaccurate rifle fire! Anck-su-namun’s today body! All pyramids are the Pentagon! Waterface eats the balloon! Steggles & Gooch, Attorneys at Law, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com