We all have blind spots, and sometimes the person we believe ourselves to be isn't the person we're actually demonstrating ourselves to be. We may genuinely believe we're showing up in certain ways without recognizing that our behavior tells a different story.

That difference matters in relationships. When our understanding of ourselves doesn't align with how we actually behave, it can affect how others experience us and whether they can trust and depend on us. Becoming more aware of those inconsistencies gives us an opportunity to develop greater coherence between who we believe we are and how we show up.

In this episode, we explore:

• How we can engage in unhealthy or manipulative behaviors without recognizing what we're doing.
• The difference between who we believe ourselves to be and how we actually show up in relationships.
• Why inconsistencies between our words and actions can affect how others experience and trust us.
• The aspirational self and how we can identify with qualities we haven't yet developed through our behavior.
• What it takes to become more internally coherent and consistent across our relationships.

“Do you really know the idea you have of how you show up in a relationship and the reality of how you show up in a relationship?”

“Many times we want to see ourselves in a certain way but we have not formed the skills and the practice to actually maneuver in that way yet.”

“The behavior and the gap is revealing something and it is giving a person a story about us even if we have a different story about us.”

“There is great satisfaction in knowing that who you are is who you are no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, no matter what situation comes up.”

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I'm thinking about and exploring. https://ajarutledge.substack.com/

To get in touch about the show: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Curiosity impacts the way we experience ourselves and the people we're in relationship with. But when we believe we already know someone, we can stop asking questions and start relating to the version of them we've created in our minds, rather than who they actually are today.

The same can happen with ourselves. We accept our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors as simply who we are, without questioning where they came from or whether they still fit. Curiosity gives us an opportunity to question those assumptions and better understand ourselves and others.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why curiosity matters in continuing to get to know people as they grow and change.
• The ways our assumptions about someone can prevent us from seeing who they actually are.
• What curiosity about our own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors can reveal about ourselves.
• The gap between how we believe we show up in relationships and how others actually experience us.
• How asking questions during disagreements can create shared understanding, even when we don't agree.

“... if that's how you've always done it, how do you give yourself an opportunity to do it differently?”

“Just because we believe we show up certain ways in relationships does not mean that's how we actually show up. And that does not mean that that is how somebody experiences us showing up.”

“Do you like the idea of the person? Do you like what this person does for you? Do you like what they bring into your life? Do you like how they make you feel or do you like them?”

“Safety doesn't come because we agree about everything. It comes because we're feeling understood. I don't have to agree with where you landed but I can understand how you got there.”

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I'm thinking about and exploring. https://ajarutledge.substack.com/

To get in touch about the show: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

How well we know ourselves affects how we show up in every relationship we’re in. Our moods, patterns, needs, expectations, capacity, and the things we haven’t worked through all come into our relationships with us. When we don’t understand those things about ourselves, we may not recognize what we’re bringing into our relationships or how it’s affecting the people around us.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why the relationship we have with ourselves matters in the relationships we have with other people.
• How little we may consider ourselves when making major relational decisions.
• What happens when we don’t recognize our own moods, reactions, and patterns.
• Why changing the person or environment doesn’t necessarily change a pattern we’re carrying with us.
• What it means to ask other people for things we may not know how to offer them or ourselves.

“How are we being in relationship with others when we’re ignoring the relationship with self?”

“How can you sit with somebody else’s thoughts if you’re terrified to sit with your own thoughts?”

“Getting to know ourselves, observing ourselves, being honest about what we do or what the patterns in our lives are or how we maneuver is critical for, one, us to have the life we say we want, and then, two, to be a person in relationship that is healthy with others.”

“There’s so many people out here who say they want things from their parents, they want things from a partner, they want things from other people that they themselves have no ability to offer. The audacity. Why should you expect somebody to offer something to you that you can’t offer to them? Or even, how about, can you offer it to yourself?” t

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

Join me over on Substack at The Better Question for more of what I’m thinking about and exploring. https://ajarutledge.substack.com/

To get in touch about the show: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.