"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me." 

Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of: 

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm. 

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground. 

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction. 

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him. 

....and 

The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again. 

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it.  Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun. 

There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.