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The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist

Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse
Narrated by: Debbie Mirza
Length: 6 hrs and 42 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars (103 ratings)

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Summary

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse is the most comprehensive and helpful audiobook on the topic of covert narcissism. This type of narcissism is one of the most damaging forms because the abuse is so hidden and so insidious. You can be in a relationship that can last for decades and not realize you are being psychologically and emotionally controlled, manipulated, and abused. 

These people are well-liked; they are often the pillars of the community. Parents, spouses, bosses, and friends who are covert narcissists come across as the nicest people. They can be spiritual leaders, they are moms who bring over casseroles to needy people, they are the bosses who everyone loves and feels so lucky to work for. 

These relationships are incredibly confusing and damaging. They leave you questioning your own sanity and reality. Even though they are treating you terribly, you wonder if you are the problem, if you are the one to blame. You are filled with constant self-doubt when it comes to these people in your life. When you are around them, you feel confused and muddled inside. You have a hard time seeing clearly. 

These relationships can bring you to a state of deep depression and complete depletion of energy. You may wonder if you will ever see clearly and heal from these destructive and debilitating relationships. 

This audiobook will give you hope that you can heal and feel alive again, or maybe for the first time. You will learn what the traits of a covert narcissist are, as well as how they control and manipulate. Your eyes will open, and your experience will be validated. You will also learn ways to heal and actually enjoy life again. 

Debbie Mirza uses decades of her own experience with covert narcissists as well as her years of practice as a life coach who specializes in helping people recover and heal from these types of relationships.

©2017 Debra Mirza (P)2018 Debra Mirza

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Very helpful, but repetitive

well thought through, and inspirational, but does cover the same ground over and over again without the level of depth I would really have liked

3 people found this helpful

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Amazing read

I've read a lot of books on this subject and this is the best by far.

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The tone wasn’t for me

Firstly, I can see this being very useful for someone traumatised. The author’s tone is very nurturing and there’s a lot of affirming of how brilliant, smart and caring you are as the ‘victim’ ‘target’ and ‘survivor’ of the covert narcissist.

For me though, I found it too sugary and not in depth or rigorous enough. There was a lot of repetition too. I really wanted more insight than this.

Kudos to the author for doing the narration though and I’m sure she cares deeply.

1 person found this helpful

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So helpful

This book was very opening and almost felt it was written just for me. Definitely will give it a re-read.

1 person found this helpful

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First class book written with passion and love.

Fabulous book on a subject generally not much is known about. Fabulous to be narrated by the author. She seems so passionate about this subject. I feel so equipped now to deal with CNs. Some of it hard to hear but very necessary to hear. Forever in her debt!

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excellent and helpful

Having had many relationships over the years with covert passive aggressive narcissists (including a parent, a partner, colleagues and a manager), this was a great book to really help increase my understanding of these evil people and develol more strategies to move through the damage and heal.

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helpful, and very insightful x

helpful, but hard to listen to at times if you are a survivor of abuse from a narcissist. x

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Like reading a book about my life!

My beautiful friend sent the link of this book. She didn't really have a reason as to why, but just felt an urge to send it to me. Looking at the title, I didn't think it was relevant to me either, but said I'd have a listen anyway. OH MY GOD!!! THIS IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF MY LIFE!!!

I don't think I've ever read/listened to anything that has so closely matched my actual life as this book! Things that I would never think had anything to do with my situation where clearly and sensitively explained, with devastating effect! I've been overwhelmed, angry, felt ashamed and dumb, but ultimately proud of myself for finally realising that it wasn't all just in my head!

Debbie's narration is perfect! She's direct and sensitive where needed. Her writing doesn't sugar-coat our experience at all.
This is just an amazing book!

I've listened to it twice in one week as well as gone into deeper research and am now planning the next steps for my life.

I highly recommend this book to everyone, male and female! Truly eye-opening!

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Excellent

Really enjoyed reading this book. As a previous psychiatric trainee doctor I can’t believe that I didn’t see the narcissists in my life. It’s given me the reassurance that resection was the only way forward.

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Mind blowing!

I can’t thank the Author enough...this book just saved my life...knowledge is so powerful and it has planted so much hope for the future!

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  • Mojo
  • 19-12-18

This book CHANGED MY LIFE!

12 years with a man, 2 kids, a seemingly perfect life but I had a secret! I just didn’t know what to call it? Or how to even explain it?! It wasn’t until my couples counselor mentioned the word narcissist to me in a one on one session, that i began researching what a Narcissist really was? The classic definition just didn’t fit, and even though I knew this was a one-sided relationship that had to be his way always, I would have never labeled him a narcissist...until this book and until Debbie Mirza introduced me to the COVERT
Narcissist! My marriage was a puzzle with the main pieces missing, and through this book I got every piece I needed to get the mental closure I knew I would never get from him! After reading the book through tears and yes nods, I discovered the audible version! I am so happy to be hearing the author in her own words with everything she emotes! This is a wonderful book and I’m certain it will help so many people who are just down right confused and give them the strength and tools to move forward in their life!

93 people found this helpful

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  • Conroy
  • 16-01-19

Helpful in understanding past, present, and future

This book is a helpful for not only the victims of covert narcissists (CN), but also the people in the victim's life who want to better understand what they have gone through. It gives a deeper understanding of past trauma, current CN behaviour, and what to expect in the future from this toxic person. This is useful to both heal from trauma, as well as to fortify against further attacks. Thank you to the author for writing this, and to everyone who shared their stories about such a difficult time in their lives. It gives us hope for a better future.

25 people found this helpful

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  • Diana Z
  • 24-12-18

Finally all the pieces fit into place for me.

This book was the most informative piece of work I have read about covert narcissism. Debbie laid out in great detail “my story.” I felt every word. I relived every situation over again. There wasn’t one thing in this book that I didn’t relate to. I can now finally rest from my nightmare. It wasn’t my fault. I was a victim of covert narcissism. Thanks to Debbie’s exhaustive research, I look forward to living my own life knowing the truth of who I really am. A good person with compassion toward others and the ability to give and receive real love. Thanks to Debbie’s commitment toward helping others to recover, I will forever be grateful.


28 people found this helpful

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  • Cassandra Ross
  • 18-12-18

Exactly What I Needed

I’ve read several books on narcissism and personality disorders searching for answers as to what happened with my marriage and to explain my CN ex-husband. While they were all helpful, none of these books explained my situation precisely until I read this book. It hit the nail on the head - exactly. I couldn’t have described it better myself. I now can put my finger on it and just being able to define him has helped me tremendously. Thank you, Debbie. This book is exactly what I needed.

27 people found this helpful

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  • consumer
  • 11-05-19

Only if this is your first book on this topic

1) I really didn’t like the narrator.
2) this book is written as if it’s an authority on the covert narcissist, containing very little imperial evidence and mostly opinions based on interviews.
3) narcissists are different. Yet the way it’s written, “The CN will...” This makes you question if you are in fact dealing with a CN if the statement doesn’t match your experience.
4) I left my CN after 20 years of marriage and multiple attempts to leave. Some people find the strength to get out before the narcissist discards them. If that applies to you, you won’t be able to relate to much of this book. He/she may be covert to others, but you are not shocked and surprised when he treats you badly or manipulated you because you identified the pattern already.
5) I found many other books much more helpful. This one was full of fluff and validated emotions and feelings most of the time, which I think is helpfulness the beginning stages of recognizing your narcissist in your life. If you’ve already done your research, this book may not be beneficial to you. However, if you are wondering what is going on and still asking yourself if you are crazy or responsible for the relationship, this book will be helpful.

25 people found this helpful

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  • Crystal H.
  • 11-02-19

Healing!!!!

I’m a therapist, and I was in a relationship with a CN for 16 years!!! I thought I could/should make it work. I thought it was me...him...me!!! The confusion kept me stuck. The shame and guilt kept me stuck. I finally got divorced after the 4th physical altercation in 16 yrs, which he labeled as “isolated incidents” that do not make him an abuser, and then still spent weeks in the pits of my sorrow...guilt, shame, confusion! I came upon this book after listening to “Duped.” I cannot thank you enough for EXACTLY what I needed to start ACTUALLY healing...to stop feeling CRAZY! I clipped so many pieces of this book, it actually began to humor me. Thank you! I will recommend this book to hundreds of clients in the future...I’m certain!

25 people found this helpful

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  • Corinna
  • 24-12-18

A life changing & saving book.

I bought the kindle and audible version of this book, it is one of the most important books I have ever read. I was married for 26 years to a man who had the angelic mask of sweet, quiet, shy and gentle artist. Yet, I never felt safe with him in public, I just couldn't ever explain why. When we were in private he was very loving and attentive but in public he was indifferent, other-focused and everyone around us reacted to him in such a way that marginalized and invalidated me. I slowly disappeared into his shadow, but everything was so subtle it couldn't possibly be his fault. My confidence drained away, as I was no longer competent to do the simplest things and he was always having to show me how to do everything right, the things I had created or excelled at were no longer valued until I was too inept to even feed my dog properly, even though it was a recipe I had come up with to save him from the agony of his chronic pancreatitis — it was a very slow drip-drip-drip as the life force drained from me. After 26 years of doting on him, running our lives and business, I got very ill and his mask came off. My confusion and horror was profound as he turned into a raging, aggressive and violent stranger. I had no idea what was happening and the therapists I turned to had no idea what was happening and traumatized me more. I thought the stress of my illness had caused a depression in him but then he told me all about his true past, his double-life the entire time we were together, about his sex addiction and how much he wanted me gone to the point of trying to talk me into suicide so my life insurance could keep him and our dogs in their home. The person I'd believed in and adored for over half my life was a monster who I had never known, everything I was told and believed in was a lie. My usefulness was over, my life no longer had value and he did everything possible to offload his toxic shame and all the blame on to me. It's been an unreal experience. It's woken me up to so much about myself and others in my life. It will be a long journey to recover but I am free now to live life in a safe space, choosing only people who are good for me and being able to finally recognize who those people are.

There is so much written about narcissism, with only some written about covert narcissism, but nothing I've read (and I've read hundreds of books, blogs, articles, etc.) comes close to explaining the complexity, duality, and profound confusion of a true pathological covert narcissist experience, like Debbie does with her book. Being able to plug into the audible version while going about my day allows me to keep Debbie's validating message in my ear when I wobble, and I wobble a lot. Debbie's voice as a reader is perfect, very often authors can make the worst readers but she is pitch perfect.

I strongly recommend this book highly to anyone who has suffered through a confusing relationship which suddenly turns, who cannot find answers that make sense and who have been altered by an experience that is so difficult to explain. This book is validating and can help the healing process like no other. There are answers here, there is compassion and there is hope. The isolation from this experience can be devastating, but we are not alone and we can recover and feel solid ground beneath our feet again.

77 people found this helpful

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  • Michele
  • 03-01-19

Aha! moment? mouth wide open cover to cover!

In a desperate search to figure out what was happening to my 22-year marriage (to a Dr. of Psychology), I stumbled across sound bites of information about covert narcissism. Never enough to understand the profound emotional and physical effect it has on families. I have been living CN free for 5 years and in treatment with 3 therapists, I got more from this book in 5 hours! The similarities between my life and of the stories told in this book were stunning. It also made me realize that I still have work to do towards healing and protecting my children. I hit "clip" and "add note" so often that I ended up buying hard copies to share with my family and friends who literally saved my life during the discard stage. Thank you for this book, Ms. Mirza, and for shedding light on this closeted form of narcissism. I feel hope, lightness and most importantly not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

15 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 11-12-18

Amazing!!!!

This is a must "hear" for anyone that ever was or is in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. Hearing this was like listening to my life with Kim, my Covert Narcissist. Thank you Debbie for writing this book. Your narration was truly great!

15 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 14-03-19

ON POINT, BEST for a CN survivor

Im a 30 yr survivor to a white collar CFO. This book will RESONATE SO MUCH, YOUR JAW WILL DROP......SHE GETS IT!!!!! Not only does she get it, she understands many of the feelings we are left with, and how strong and intelligent we are.

The majority of us are EMPATHS to a degree, she recognizes this, and why. She understands the encouragement we need,and how alien we feel, having most everyone desert us. She notes abandonment, emotional abuse at a soul level( simular to occult).

I found this book last year, and have listened to it a couple dozen times, it is my first referral on CN abuse. I bought 5 books on CN"s with high reviews, but this book resonates above them!

Ive been in a divorce for 6 years now, as you can imagine he lies, hides, forges, you name it!!! DONT UNDER ESTIMATE A CN, THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU FALL IF YOU TRIP.

I lived in the fog for 24 years, getting a glimps here and there when I had the time for proper sleep and nutrition. I raised 4 children, gave up my nursing career, my horse of 18 yrs, my inheritance.

He was gone 12-14 hrs m-f ( apon questioning an ex co-worker of 10 yrs., I found out he had 20 hrs a week somewhere between the office and home. He even left work at noon on fridays!). He cashed in vacation time, didn't deposit dividends, had secrete accounts, and had a po box for 17 years!!!

Dear ones, what ever you were acused of your CN did or still does. Mine stole, lied, cheated, forged, played tricks, moved my things arround, did things to make me question my sanity, memory etc. He laughed at me behind his mask. It was all a game and Narcissit supply to him, he never loved me, and even spent dividen money that I came into marriage with. He gladly took gifts from my family with smiles.

YOU CAN NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING A CN SAYS, THEY ARE MONSTERS WHO SET YOU UP TO FAIL AND POINT OUT BEHIND YOUR BACK ANY OF YOUR OOPS TO ANYONE THEY CAN TO DEVALUE YOU FUTHER. THEY WILL HAVE EVERYONE BELIEVING YOU ARE CRAZY, AND OR A HO, OR ANY MIRRORING OF WHAT THEY DO.

MY DISCOVERIES ON HIS ABUSES, AND ALL THE POISONINGS WE'VE BEEN UNDER SHOCKED EVERY NERVE IN ME. I DIDNT SLEEP ONE SLEEP CYCLE FOR 9 MONTHS! FIBROMYALGIA FOUND ME AND HASNT STOPPED (6 Yrs now). CPTSD, DEEP DEPRESSION, INSECURITY, DOUBTS, AND UNABLE TO TRUST. SEEMS UNFAIR' RIGHT....
BUT I FIRMLY BELIEVE I WILL OVERCOME ONCE I CAN CUT ALL TIES AND MOVE INTO NATURE. I KNOW I WILL BE OF USE TO MANY WHO WILL COME OUT AND SEEK SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE. I BELIEVE THAT WE KEEP COMING BACK TO EARTH UNTIL WE LEARN AND LIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. AS EMPATHS WHO COME OUT FROM LONG TERM CN ABUSE, MAY BE ABLE TO GRADUATE!!! IF WE CAN FORGIVE ALL AND COME TO UNDERSTANDING THAT WE WERE ALL BORN INNOCENT. PARENTING AND MARRIAGE HAS NO CONCRETE MANUALS.

CUT YOUR LOSSES AND TIME INVESTED, THE KIDS WILL ALSO BE IN PAIN WHEN THEY FIGURE THE CN OUT, TREAD LIGHTLY.

MINE WONT NEGOTIATE EVEN FOR 50% OF CASHING ASSETS. NOTHING YOU DO WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT I KNOW WE ARE STRONGER, SMARTER AND WISER THAN WE CAN BE OPEN TO AS WE HEAL IT WILL BE REVEILED. UNTIL WE SPEND SOME TIME AND DISTANCE AWAY FROM THE CN WE WILL STAY DRAINED. WE CAN FIND RECALL OUR POWER AND ENERGY IF WE MEDITATE AND GO WITH IN.

THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY, YOURS ONLY, NARROW IS THE PATH. YOU KNOW YOU WERE KEPT BUSY AND ISOLATED FROM ANYONE WHO COULD SEE THE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS. IT IS TIME FOR YOU NOW, TO GET YOU BACK. LEARN TO GO WITH IN, AND YOU WILL FIND YOUR STRENGTH!

💕 THERE IS SO MUCH LOVE STILL INSIDE AND THERE WILL BE MANY TO NURTURE THAT WILL COME OUT OF THEIR CN FOG.

It seems as each year passes, there are more victims. In these current times there are monsters in all levels of law and government. Many will be betrayed. Get this book and start resonating, start healing.

I also found working on "THE INNER CHILD" helpful on forgiving myself and others. Louse Lynn Hay (Hay house publishers) has helped hundreds of thousands over audio. She had over come sex abuse, cancer and husband betrayal in the 60s ad 70s. She had become a NY run way model (had nutrition issues).
She has passed, but left a legacy of healing. I found her grandma type loving voice nurturing💕

6 people found this helpful