Great principles for living, BUT a word of caution

Overall I LOVED the principles of this book. In my lifetime of studying relationships, communication, and the like and this book really is the creme de la creme of getting to the underlying principles of it all in my opinion. BUT there is a few things I disagree highly with the author on. I do agree with his underlying premise - at the heart of it all REAL love is what we all need, and really is at the root of things. HOWEVER, I have issue with how he suggests applying that principle in sexual situations, marriage as the ultimate commitment, and staying in toxic and abusive relationships.

In terms of how he deals with sexual situations: I feel the author was overly simplistic, had tones of religious views and did not address the complexities of how our biological and psychological sexual needs play into our need for real love. I completely understand the principle - people use sex as a means of imitation love. They offer themselves as objects to be used, and then when they feel how used they are, the devastation can be horrific. I've seen this up close and personal. The solution IS for the person to feel Real Love, which will deter them seeking for 'love in all the wrong places' so to speak. BUT, the author's solution of complete abstinence before marriage to solve that problem does not acknowledge that sex can be healthy when partners do feel Real Love, even in committed (or non-committed, but consensual) relationships outside of marriage. Sexual compatibility is something that should be discussed in a healthy way, and one can only talk so much without experiencing sexual communication in a sexual relationship. Real Love will of course help partners communicate without anger and disappointment, but it does a disservice to a couple to think that because they experience Real Love, sexual satisfaction will just 'poof' naturally happen. So my caution is to understand the principle, but learn how to use good principles of healthy consensual sexual communication, no matter if you are married or not. Personally I have experienced some VERY healthy sexual relationships outside of marriage that helped me to feel Real Love as well as learn about myself sexually and learn how to incorporate healthy sexual communication in relationships on a whole.

Which also brings up the issue with marriage: Again, I understand the principle he is aiming to get across. Having a commitment to someone, and especially in the form of a legal marriage, is a strong tie that can bind a relationship together. And sometimes that commitment can pull a couple through hard times. However, it's okay to be on a spectrum of commitment as you learn and grow in a relationship. It doesn't have to be so black and white. You can be in a committed relationship and experience and show Real Love. Such black and white thinking leaves out many wonderful opportunities for relationships that people can (and do) experience. Marriage doesn't have to be the end-all be-all benchmark of a fully committed Real Love relationship. Do what is best for you.

Lastly, the author's advice in terms of whether to leave toxic and abusive relationships was also overly simplistic and may encourage people to stay in situations that would cause real harm. The ironic thing is, most people stay in toxic and abusive (both physically AND emotionally) abusive relationships because they don't feel Real Love themselves. Once a person is able to feel Real Love, they have the self worth and confidence to leave. The author acknowledged physical and emotional abuse, BUT then ended that section saying that some people should stay in a non-loving relationship, even if the other person never loves you back -- EVER. THAT QUALIFIES AS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. And NO ONE should stay in any relationship where they have to constantly sacrifice their own happiness while trying to give love to another. That seems to be contrary to the author's own premise: our primary responsibility is to fill ourselves with Real Love.

I still LOVED this book. And it has changed so much of how I view and act in my relationships. If you keep the principle in mind, but are cautious and aware of how that principle should be applied in your own life in the areas of sex, commitment/marriage, and whether to stay or leave harmful situations, then I believe this book will be a wonderful addition to your self-help library.

3 people found this helpful

Remembering the truest of true

Definitely the book I needed to help me remember that I find Real Live in Al-Anon meetings. So, it helped me regain my balance & stability through knowing where to get my need met. Great book. Lots of wisdom.

2 people found this helpful

Life Changing

This author has the insights I have been looking for. Finally the counsel I need!

1 person found this helpful

Great Book!

This is a good book. Some of the information in this book I found hard to listen to and even diagreeing. But what this book did was reveal my weaknesses to me. Some I did not know I had. This book is good for marriages, couples, parent/child relationships and loving oneself.

1 person found this helpful

Life changing book

This is one of those books that changed my life. I can only say that about a few books. The author clarifies what real love is and how to get it. This book should be a required read for everyone but especially those getting married. Reading this book gave me a true sense of peace as I could experience real love more and know when I’m using or being used by getting and protecting behaviors.

The books is easy to listen to and I loved the author/narrators voice.

very well put together

I've listened to this book over 5x. I plan on taking control of my emotions and life. I will be much happier and loving. I LOVE this book. thank you Gary!

coined thoughts

This book has some good points, but this moreless a way to pick apart any relationship and question everything.

lots to think about

My and I have been working to our improve our relationship for the last several years and lots of things have been helping, one of which is she asked me to read this book, and I have put it off for a long time. F9r many rasons, but mainly because I didn't want to admit I needed help. Not just in my relationship, but with my self worth and loving myself. I finally have recently been listening to it here on Audible, and I really like it. I think everyone should read or listen to it and believe applying it can improve any relationship because it will help us be mentally and emotionally healthier in ourselves.
it will probably take more than one read/listen for the concepts to really settle in, but already I have seen. change in my own behaviors, and I like it.

Life changing concept! Mind blowing!

It's so much easier to process pain in my relationships now!♡ It's so much clearer! Thank you park lady who generously shared this book with my sister and she shared it with me!♡ #lifechanging #reallove

Great book!

Every one of us should read, study, and practice what is in this book. Thank you Greg!