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How Not to F*** Them Up

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How Not to F*** Them Up

By: Oliver James
Narrated by: Paul Blake
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As a mother, are you comfortable in your skin?
Want to know how best to be a working or stay-at-home mum?

Babies have very simple needs, yet many parents are overwhelmed with elaborate advice on how to meet them. In How Not to F*** Them Up, leading child psychologist Oliver James argues that your under-threes do not need training; it's getting your head straight as a parent that's important.

Drawing on extensive interviews and the lastest clinical research, James identifies three basic types of mum: the Hugger, the Organiser and the Fleximum. Outlining the benefits and pitfalls of each, How Not to F*** Them Up shows you how to recognise which style suits you best and outlines simple strategies to reconcile personal ambitions with the needs of your family.

Empowering and provocative, Oliver James will help you make the best choices for bringing up a happy, confident child.

 Fatherhood Food & Wine Parenting & Families Personal Development Personal Success Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Relationships Health Mental Health
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Critic reviews

Easily readable, liberating ... a book you can trust.
In a perfect world every parent would have a parenting masterclass before the baby arrives. This is the next best thing!
At last, something for the modern mother! A sane voice amid the shrill cacophony of childcare books
I agree with Oliver James. Caring for a baby or toddler is personal, because you have to tune in to the child's changing needs. (Sue Palmer)
Unlike other books of this sort, How Not to F*** Them Up focuses on the wellbeing of the parent as a starting point for meeting the needs of the child... This is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, and is not afraid to admit his own frailties. As a result his theories come across not as condescension, but as advice from one fucked-up-person to another. (Jake Wallis Simons)
... it is obvious that James is truly on the side of women and creating a society in which parenting and the issues it raises are shared between both partners. (Louise Carpenter)
Hugely gripping... it certainly makes you think.
[Oliver James] does a great job of describing some of the problems in modern society and how the demands of the 21st century can affect a person's happiness... [he] uncovers the answer to how to reconnect with what really matters and learn to value what you've already got. In other words, how to be successful and stay sane. (Ana Ivanovic, Tennis Professional)
Advice that focuses on training you - the parents - rather than your kids. A refreshing approach.
All stars
Most relevant

What did you like most about How Not to F*** Them Up?

The advice and case examples.

What other book might you compare How Not to F*** Them Up to, and why?

It's the first parenting book I have listened to.

Have you listened to any of Paul Blake’s other performances? How does this one compare?

No

Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you?

It was wonderful to hear that postnatal depression is not genetic.

Any additional comments?

The messages the author wants to give across are repeated as themes throughout the book. This book has influenced my plans for parenting and child care options.

Excellent beginners guide to parenting

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Basically, good is good enough, comprise is OK and there's no "right" answer. Just do what's right for you and your circumstance

Not bad but very bloated

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I had to give up on reading this. I read They F You Up years ago and really enjoyed it, but I quit this after the typology. I’m a psychologist and wasn’t convinced at all by the categories or by their naming (which is important). I wonder how many people he worked with to develop them and how far they would agree with them. As a mother to a toddler I’m even less convinced - I didn’t fit any category: I’m supposedly a ‘hugger’. I bedshare, nurse on demand, parent gently and responsively- what people call ‘attachment parenting’. But I don’t adore doing it or sink into it like the earth mother he described. I do it because I feel it’s the right thing but i miss my work and life terribly and am forever clawing to get bits back. I even work at weekends unpaid! There was no room for that kind of complex, ambivalent experience in those categories (and I know I’m not alone in my approach or my feelings about it) and so I was alienated from the offset. It was also clear that the general vibe of the book would be ‘do whatever works for you’ which is totally good advice but I don’t think I need to read a whole book for that.

Had to give up

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I found this a really upsetting read, and I’m not sure why it was recommended. The author clearly has strong opinions about putting your child in a nursery, but it does seem to suggest nursery care is always harmful to children, which simply isn’t the case. I would say that if you’re in the lucky position of having lots of childcare options to choose from, go ahead and read it. If, like most parents you are doing your best in difficult circumstances, it may be best to avoid this as it’s not helpful to be made to feel guilty about things out with your control.

A very judgmental and upsetting read.

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