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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

By: Mira Kirshenbaum
Narrated by: Adriane McNeely
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To make up or break up? Whether you’re just getting serious or have a long-term commitment, no other question causes so much heartache and self-doubt. Many other books tell you how to fix your relationship. This groundbreaking best seller is the first one to help you choose whether you should try—or you need to go.

Psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum draws on years of research and her work with real-life couples to help you make the right decision. She shows you how to diagnose your unique situation with self-analysis and questions like these, which get to the very heart of your problems:

  • What sins are forgivable and which ones unpardonable?
  • Is your partner questioning your opinions to the point where you doubt yourself?
  • What is your sex life really like, and how important is it?
  • Is there real love left between you, and how does it stack up against all that you find unlovable?

  • Mira Kirshenbaum provides expert guidelines that are the key to making all your choices, concrete steps that you can implement right now, and the ultimate way to determine your personal bottom line—what you need to be happy. This remarkably insightful and probing guide offers advice that lets you see the truth about your relationship—and with wisdom and compassion, it helps you act with the confidence of knowing that, whether you decide to go or stay, you are doing the very best thing.

©1997 Mira Kirshenbaum (P)2010 Brilliance Audio, Inc. Conflict Resolution Love, Dating & Attraction Marriage & Long-Term Partnerships Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Relationships
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Critic reviews

"[T]hreaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through." ( Publishers Weekly)
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I liked the book, I think it helped me cope with my wife’s decision to end our relationship. It didn’t touch on attachment theory, and I had convinced myself she was a Dismissive Avoidant… so where to go? Ultimately this book helped me realize she won’t touch me and that makes it too bad to stay. I didn’t like the references to America, the world is a lot bigger than that, and the use of first person pronouns when they don’t match your situation.

Insightful questions that make you think

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In my opinion, it is truly difficult to understand what constitutes a healthy relationship (sort of like a healthy diet). There are so many social platitudes friends say when offering advice, and there is almost no guaranteed way to understand if a potential partner is a good fit for your life.

With that being said, the book offers you an approach that shifts your paradigm from a conventional lawyer style approach to a diagnostic approach, which was a gamechanger for me.

the book I wish I had read in my twenties

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A helpful emotional navigational tool! gives you plenty to think about if your feeling ambivalent about your relationship.

A helpful emotional navigational tool!

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I found this book very useful. There are 36 yes /no questions in the book (along with specific examples of couples who have been in these situations) that should guide you to the clarity you need on whether to stay in your relationship or leave. The author calls this a "diagnostic" approach, similar to what a doctor would use to decide on a course of action (rather than the "balancing scales" approach, which, according to the author, creates confusion, because you are trying to weigh up all sorts of conflicting evidence).

Pointing to some behaviours that are unacceptable, but could easily become normalised in a relationship was also useful.

The last chapter discusses (briefly) next steps and includes book recommendations, for both outcomes.

I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone feeling ambivalent about their relationship.

A helpful practical guide

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I’m pretty sure if you follow the questions she poses right through to the last chapter, you will move from ambivalence to clarity about your relationship. Some chapters will really hit you between the eyes and others not do much, but every chapter had really helpful tips and examples and metaphors.

A fantastic way to get clarity.

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