A listener writes in about growing up with a parent who was controlling, critical and sometimes physically abusive, and who scrutinised her weight from childhood. She has built a life she is happy with, but now her other parent is seriously ill, and her difficult parent, who is caring for them, phones almost daily to complain. They feel better afterwards, while she feels anxious and unable to sleep. Setting boundaries can bring rage and silent treatment, and she doesn't want to cut either parent off. She wants to know how to have a relationship with the parent she actually has, and how to tell compassion from childhood conditioning.

In this episode Helen works through why the real question may be how to grieve the parent you never had, and why that grief is what makes a relationship with the parent you do have possible.

Covered in this episode:

- Grieving the parent you never had, and why it isn't giving up on the one you have

- Parentification, and the "what would my parent think?" voice as a shield

- Being the repository for someone else's distress

- Compassion versus conditioning, and the question that tells them apart

- Why you don't have to choose between taking everything and abandoning them

- Quiet boundaries, and what to expect when the old system notices a change

Helen covers parentification in more depth in episode 4 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.

Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.

Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/

The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

Aperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk

If anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.

A listener writes in about her dad, who she used to think was the good parent. Her mum stonewalled, gaslit and shamed her and her siblings from the time they were tiny, and her dad never stood up to her, and sometimes even agreed with her to save his own skin. Now a parent herself, she stood up to her tall, large ex-husband whenever he was unkind to their scapegoated child. Every conversation with her dad ends in a row, and she is angrier with him than with her mum. She wants to know how to become less angry with him.

In this episode Helen works through why the question may be the wrong way round, why discovering the enabling parent can feel like a second betrayal, and what the anger may actually be protecting.

Covered in this episode:

- The second betrayal, and why the "safe" parent can hurt the most

- Why enabling behaviour serves the enabling parent, and why being abused too does not remove a parent's duty to protect their child

- Secondary reactive anger, and what it may be protecting

- Toxic hope, intermittent reinforcement and why an apology cannot give you the parent you needed

- What to do when the rage starts, and the question to ask yourself afterwards

- Three questions to ask before deciding whether to raise it with him

Helen covers the enabling parent, and the different types of enabling parent, in more depth in episode 3 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.

Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.

Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/

The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

Aperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk

If anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.

A listener who is pregnant with her first baby writes in about her mother. At her wedding, her mum chose the colour scheme, the caterers, the venue and even the dress, and the listener went along with it to keep the peace. Now her mum is pushing for the baby's name, the nursery colour and a place in the delivery room. When the listener said she wanted her husband as her birth partner, her mum called it her right as a mother, then stopped speaking to her for three weeks and told people she was being excluded. Her sister calls her cruel, her dad wants an apology, and her husband is furious. She wants to know who is right, and how to tell her mum to back off without upsetting her.

In this episode Helen works through why "without upsetting her" may be the heart of the problem, why a mother's disappointment is not a right to be in the room, and how the silence, the accusations and the calls from the rest of the family add up to a campaign with one aim.

Covered in this episode:

- Hurting someone versus someone being disappointed that they didn't get their way

- Keeping the peace versus keeping other people peaceful, and what giving in teaches

- The silent treatment, the guilt trip and "recruitment" (sometimes called flying monkeys)

- Why a boundary is not an application for permission, and what to say once, kindly

- What to do when the silence arrives, and why timing is yours to pick

- Her husband's anger, and why "I want" lands differently from "he wants"

Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.

Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/

The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub

Aperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk

If anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.