The chapter begins with a jaffas-grabbing 999 call. This fun hoax is an excellent way for Alan to demonstrate how little protection there is for upstanding middle-aged broadcasters against attacks from morally bankrupt online trolls (and not as some have suggested, a flagrant waste of police time). So, Alan decides to take the bull by the horns and protect his brand himself… by starting a podcast.
Why a podcast you ask? Firstly, because it’s the only broadcast medium he’s yet to conquer. Secondly, because it allows him to communicate publicably without being hamstrung by red tape or ofcom regulations.
Even though he’s a fiercely private man who’s spent seven of the last eleven Christmases alone - and happily so - Alan is inviting us to look inside of him. We get reacquainted with Seldom, Alan’s very large dog who featured heavily (he really is very, very large) in his documentary, Scissored Isle.
Alan welcomes listeners to his Oasthouse as his very first blind guests (or in fact, any disability), revealing that he bought the property after being crippled by his previous mortgage. Although if he ever sells this one, he will have to advertise it as ‘Oasthouse-style’, because it’s a replica, and he’s fine with that.
