In this solo episode of The Widow Podcast, I explore what it really means when our relationships change after the loss of a life partner.

I recorded this in the middle of Awakening Hope, my free week-long online event for people grieving the loss of a life partner, and the same questions kept coming up all week. Why have my friends disappeared. Why have people stopped checking in. Why do the people who love me most not understand. And underneath all of it, what do I say when somebody rings and asks if there's anything I need.

I'm honest about both sides of this. I talk about my very good friend from junior school. Her mum died and it put a real strain on our relationship. I did keep showing up, but everything I was doing wasn't hitting the mark, but my God, I was trying. I talk about the fortieth birthday trip I wasn't invited on after Simon died, and the conversation months later when my friend told me they just hadn't thought I'd want to come. I talk about the mask we get so good at wearing, and why the people around us take what they can see as the truth.

I talk about:

• Why "if there's anything you need, let me know" so often leaves the griever with nothing to say
• The anger, resentment and jealousy we can feel towards the people we love, and the shame that comes with it
• Why it is not easy to show up for somebody who is grieving
• Why no one person can meet every practical and emotional need we have
• Debbie's Wonder Woman pants, and giving people a way to ask how you are
• Checking in on a scale of one to ten instead of saying "I'm fine"
• Being left off the invite list for a friend's fortieth after Simon died
• Asking for one thing, even when you don't know what you need
• Building new community when the people around you aren't your people

You don't have to know everything you need. You only have to know one thing, and ask for that.

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