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Every autumn, families start the university conversation with the same question: which one? Paul Sweeney thinks most of us skip the question that should come first: should my child go at all, and if so, why?

Paul dropped out of an engineering degree he hated and ran away to a job in an airline’s lost baggage department. He later became chief strategy officer at Unite, the UK’s largest listed student accommodation provider, and now advises universities on strategy and AI. His new book, University, Maybe?, draws on all of that background and his experience of going through this decision twice as a parent.

We talked about what you’re really paying for, what universities would rather you didn’t ask, and why the alternatives aren’t consolation prizes.

Click here for Paul Sweney'’s website

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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack:

My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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This Wonder Room starts with my own parenting fail, involving granola, a sarcastic reply about Cheerios and an argument I really should have walked away from. If you’ve ever been rage-baited by your teen, you’re not alone.

I’m joined by Katharine Radice, teacher, author and mother of teenage boys, to take on the messy reality of living with teenagers.

We cover:

• Why some teens seem to pick fights, and why a row can feel like a release
• A listener’s message about her 14-year-old, who hit and kicked her when her phone was taken away: how to help teens catch anger before it explodes, why small things are worth a conversation before they become a row, and why we shouldn’t assume a child will turn out like a difficult relative
• How to talk about phones with an autistic teen or one with PDA who resists conversation, including listening without words, setting a timer and using language that doesn’t feel like a demand
• Our response to Dr Özgür Bolat’s ideas in The Reward Trap: where we agree on praise and motivation, and what you do when the homework still has to get done
• Why a task doesn’t have to be fun, it has to feel worth it, and how sitting alongside your teen can help more than stepping in
• What happens when teens work towards a dream and it doesn’t deliver, as Katharine sees with some of her Cambridge students

You’ll come away with practical ways to handle anger, resistance and motivation, and a reminder to slow down, find the joy now and tell your teenager you enjoy their company.

While I have your attention, I’ve got to tell you about this Vax carpet cleaner I bought. (I have absolutely no affiliation and make no money from this) I’ve been using it regularly because my dog hasn’t been well and has been using the indoors as a toilet. Honestly, it’s the most fantastic purchase that I wish I’d bought twenty years ago when my babies came along.

It’s light, really simple to use, and even has a self-cleaning function. I went on Amazon to give it a five star review and saw that it’s discounted right now.

Helpful old episodes:

Anger management

Parenting complex teens - Elaine Taylor-Klaus

The Reward Trap

Lazy to Motivated

I’ve put the key tips in a PDF for my substack subscribers. Join here

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack:

My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

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What if the things we do to motivate our teenagers are doing the opposite?

Most of us have done it. A tenner for a good exam result. An hour on the Xbox once the homework is done. A new phone if the grades come back right.

It works, in the moment. But Dr Özgür Bolat thinks we are paying a much higher price than we realise.

Özgür is an educational scientist with a master's from Harvard, a PhD from Cambridge and a visiting research post at MIT Sloan. He has advised Google, YouTube Kids and Unilever on child development. His book, The Reward Trap, draws on seven decades of research to show why gold stars, treats, praise and privileges so often backfire, and what to do instead.

His interest is personal. He was the textbook high achiever: 56th out of a million students in Turkey's national exam, a perfect GPA at Harvard, a Cambridge doctorate. Then he came home, with everything going right, and felt anxious. He realised his happiness depended on outside approval. He had to keep succeeding to feel OK. And when he asked himself why, the answer led back to how he was parented.

For a full explanation of the points made in the podcast click here

Dr Özgür Bolat -The Reward Trap

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.

Find all the tips from the episode on Substack:

My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me

Instagram
Facebook