Preorder my book, The Secure Self

How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode.

I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious patterns make needs feel so fraught and risky, and what it really takes to know what we need and stand firmly for our wellbeing in our relationships and beyond.

Links

• Preorder my book, The Secure Self
• Explore my free resources on attachment healing
• Follow me on Instagram

Preorder my book, The Secure Self

If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships.

I talk about:

• How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you stuck in your avoidance
• Why your judgment of your partner's "neediness" is both unhelpful and revealing of your own suppressed emotions
• How your emotions affect the relationship just as much as your partner's, albeit in different ways
• The difference between being solely responsible for a partner's feelings and the reality of healthy interdependence
• The importance of stretching beyond what is comfortable and natural if you want to grow

Links

• Preorder my book, The Secure Self
• Free resources on attachment healing
• Follow me on Instagram

Preorder my book, The Secure Self

How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up.

We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don't make meaning out of it, and why focusing on what you can control (ie, your actions) is far more useful than trying to fight against your thoughts.

Links

• Preorder my book, The Secure Self
• Free breakup training

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self

Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships. In this episode, I talk about why inconsistency feels so familiar, how we typically respond, and what it looks like to instead respond with self-respect and security.

Links

• Preorder my book, The Secure Self
• Free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on Amazon

In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner were wanting different things. Despite having been the one to end things, she is grappling with the loss and having second thoughts about whether stepping away was the right choice.

I touch on a lot in my advice to her, including what's "normal" after a breakup, the courage it takes to walk away when nothing big happened, why the fear of regret can cloud our judgment, and under what circumstances a reconciliation is a good idea.

Links

• Preorder my book, The Secure Self
• Leave a voice message for a future Ask Steph episode
• Explore my free resources

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self

In today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is grounded in self-worth.

We discuss why self-abandonment feels so natural to many of us with anxious attachment patterns, the importance of self-compassion, building nervous system capacity, advocating for our needs from a steady place, and building self-trust.

My book, The Secure Self, is now available for pre-order! Head to stephanierigg.com/book to claim your exclusive bonus package for free as a pre-order gift with purchase.

In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on themselves post-break-up. I share some thoughts on why shame and blame can be so tempting, but also how it blocks us from truly learning the lessons of our break-up and changing our patterns going forward. I also offer some honest advice on whether it's a good idea to reach out to your ex to share what you've learned about yourself since the break-up.

So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future.

In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicament, as well as tips for breaking through the impasse and how you can find your way back to centre irrespective of whether your partner comes to the table.

Links

• Free resources for anxious attachment
• Free masterclass on breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle