Good until misogynistic

My fiancé suggested we read a book or two on relationships before we tie the knot and this was one of the books she thought would be useful. The author narrates the book with a grating and very strong Texas accent.

For most of the book, the advice was useful. Basically it boils down to this - if you are having issues with your relationship l, it’s probably because you’re not providing the things that your partner wants the most… and this can be boiled down to 5 main groups. He gets into how to decipher what your person wants the most and discovering what you want the most.

Unfortunately, I got to chapter 12 and the whole thing implodes. There’s a woman (Anne) who comes to get advice about her husband (Glenn) who is apparently psychologically (and probably also physically) abusive. She’s torn, because she states she does not love him, but feels compelled to stay in the relationship due to her religious beliefs (that she shares with the author). She says that her husband objectifies her, berated her and she doesn’t want to be around him at all. What does this doctor suggest? He uses a bible verse to suggest that it’s important to show love especially to those you hate. He goes on to tells her to have sex with him as much as possible, even though she doesn’t want to, to stop complaining, and to shower him with validation and praise. When she asks whether it’s lying to have sex with someone ( ostensibly to get something she wants) when she doesn’t feel any love toward this person. The author tells her that TELLING a lie isn’t ok, but an act isn’t really lying, it’s just providing pleasure for someone else and it’s ok.

I can’t explain how disgusted and appalled I was. This guy got a doctorate and actively encouraged his patient not only to stay in an abusive relationship, but to lean into it, because of religion. With a degree, he should have known better - willfully ignorant or malicious intent, I dunno. I couldn’t listen to anymore.

As a man with a lot of love and respect for women, I believe this man shouldn’t be let within speaking distance of anyone seeking help or advice - including small children or animals seeking attention.

224 people found this helpful

Missing elements

The core idea of this book is great! Love languages make sense. However one of my issues is in the overly gendered language in the book. It would be so much easier to say they/them and partner instead of gendering everything. Also that author never mentioned trauma or ptsd. I really think a book that deals in psychology should at least mentioned them so that when people continue to have issues even after learning the love languages they can understand what role traumas plays in expressing love.
I also was very disturbed by the authors suggestion (in a story he was recalling) that the wife should have sex with her husband at least once every week even though she clearly wasn’t comfortable doing so!! That woman could have a history of sexual trauma and telling her to “love her enemy” could be re-traumatizing.
Overall, the love language idea is great but the authors heavy Christian influence and lack of regard for trauma and ptsd is concerning.

69 people found this helpful

A Silver Bullet?!

Wonderfully simple, practical concepts that provide us truly effective methods of expressing and receiving love. Any and all relationships could benefit from the information contained in this book. While it is written from a Christian perspective and focuses almost exclusively on married couples experiencing some level of dysfunction in their marriages, the material can be interpreted in any way that best serves your needs. I myself am not a Christian nor am I married, but this has offered wonderful clarity and help to me and my significant other as we co-create the relationship of our dreams together. Hoping to put these lessons to use to set us up for success so we won't need the damage control down the road!

76 people found this helpful

Not for me

This book may be helpful to some, but overall it was of very little help to me. It’s rooted in Christian beliefs and uses outdated gender stereotypes throughout. The small updates here and there that are supposed to reflect the changing times weren’t enough for me. Many of the author’s declarations of what love is and how one should show it, I’m sorry to say I just flat out disagree with. Sure, the basic principles in this book are good- people express love differently and it’s helpful to have an awareness of this and incorporate it into meeting the emotional needs of your partner* (note this book only addresses spouses/married couples). However love is not a performance between partners, it’s not about getting “credit” for doing something kind, as the author writes. It’s not about pleasing your partner physically and emotionally to the detriment of yourself. For example, the author advises one woman to stay with her emotionally abusive husband and seeing if he eventually comes around, quoting the Bible “love your enemies, do good to them that hate you”. I find that advice very troublesome. The author consistently credits himself as a miracle worker, but I think he’s partly, if not largely using shame and religion to prevent couples from divorcing. I realize I’m in the minority here in this review section, but this book was not my cup of tea.

35 people found this helpful

Was difficult to listen to without falling asleep!

Religious based story not very attention grabbing returned due to lack of interest. Disappointment in the storyline!

17 people found this helpful

Everyone Should Read This Book!

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

I would, because the concepts presented in this book are so important and make every relationship in your life better.

What was one of the most memorable moments of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts?

Finding out what my Love Language is, and what the love languages of the people I care about are, so that I can communicate with the people I care about in a more positive way.

Which character – as performed by Gary Chapman – was your favorite?

He doesn't read very appealingly...sort of stilted and hard to listen to. He doesn't exactly have characters, but I would say you have to get past his reading of his excellent book to learn some of the best, most helpful ideas about the relationships in your life

What insight do you think you’ll apply from The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts?

I will think about the way I am talking to each of the people I care about and try to use their love language so they will actually hear what I am trying to say

Any additional comments?

Dr Chapman should have someone else read his book...he is really a smart man, but not an engaging narrator

32 people found this helpful

Unexpected Brilliance

In one word, amazing! I will make this honest & to the point. As I am Australian we kind of like our info served straight up and no beating around the bush. I get tired of reading reviews that sound over the top of many peoples heads & those that make you wonder if they were paid to write it. Let me tell you this, from start to finish this guy knows his stuff. These Love languages Dr Chapman talks about transcend culture & speech language. They would work for anyone, anywhere in the world that has a desire to seek more from their partnership and is willing to listen. Dont let his funky southern accent put you off, it will actually endear you to him as you grow to admire his insights and find your own penny dropping inside. Everything he said made sense, plain english and would apply to everyone's situation whether married, in a relationship or not. Its real info that can be used to reopen and then keep the channels of communication open between partners. Also info that will make giving & receiving love as well as being lovable so much easier. It doesnt focus so much on the differences between men and women like in the Mars Venus Series of John Gray but more on the WAY we love. It explains why those suggestions you get in magazines dont always work so well. SO refreshing and info that I didnt even know I needed! Our marriage was in a rut & I can honestly say that when trying some suggestions from the book my husband immediately responded. He even wanted to listen to the book with me and we disussed things as we listened. It has brought us so much closer and helped us to connect again while learning more about ourselves and each other. We plan to go further with our "reading" as we have a new hobby, listening to books together. I hope Dr Chapman will keep writing! Thanks Dr!

234 people found this helpful

Highly Recommended

I am a chaplain and speak with a lot of people. I have found myself recommending this book more than any other. The books is not a list of techniques used to manipulate people. It is a discussion about how to truly serve others in the way they want to be served. We often serve others in the way that we would like to be served. Then, we wonder why they don’t respond. Dr. Chapman helps us to overcome this mistake and discover the means by which our spouses and children like to receive love. Throughout the book, he also gives us practical advice on how to fulfill those needs.
The fundamentals are especially helpful in marital and family relationships and can be applied, in a limited manner to casual relationships as well.
One should not be surprised that the book has distinctly Christian worldview. It is published by Oasis. I do not know of a book they publish that is not distinctly Christian.

70 people found this helpful

I wish I knew this stuff years ago!

Though a lot of the information in this book is pretty much common sense, this book shines by explaining what common sense seems to leave out. We all feel love in different ways, and we need to give and receive love in the ways that work best for us. Well read and informative. Could have used a bit more info on how to get around some of the hurdles that will likely crop up when trying to follow-through on this books teachings.

29 people found this helpful

L-O-V-E this book!

This is a great book. I have the print copy, but found it difficult for my long time fiance and myself to find time to read it together - the audiobook was a great answer. Dr. Chapman's work on the five love languages is insightful and helps us to realize just why some things that are so simple and basic to us, may not be understood by our mate. When miscommunication occurs, you can sometimes be left wondering, "who is this person I am with?" but a look into the five love languages can really help identify these issues and Dr. Chapman gives suggestions on how to work through them together - all the while loving each other BETTER! =) I definitely recommend this book to anyone who has ever felt confused about relationships, whether it be with family, friends, or significant others. Who is NOT in this category? =) So many relationship books seem like so much reading and not enough action ... or just so much work ... or just fluff. But this is NOT work, it is not fluff, and it is not words without action. It is great knowledge that you can begin to apply TODAY. I also think Dr. Chapman's narration of the book was excellent - you can really hear the sincerity of his voice, and the excitement he evokes when telling his stories. I will especially point out a part in the book we loved - when he talks about vacuuming the house, how he hated it as a kid and how he never thought he'd have to do that as a grown-up - but he now HAPPILY does it weekly for his wife, and in his words, "There is only one reason: L-O-V-E!"

89 people found this helpful