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How to Live in Denmark

By: Kay Xander Mellish
  • Summary

  • Life as an international in Denmark, one of the world's most homogenous countries, isn't always easy. In Denmark’s longest-running English-language podcast, Kay Xander Mellish, an American who has lived in Denmark for more than a decade, offers tips for enjoying your time in “the world’s happiest country” plus insights on Danish culture and how to build friendships with Danes.
    Copyright © HowToLiveinDenmark.com 2022
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Episodes
  • Why Danes Find Compliments So Awkward
    Mar 24 2024

    A story I’ve heard over and over again when I talk to internationals working in Denmark is this: They thought they were going to get fired.

    They’d been working for a year or so at professional-level job in Denmark, often one they’d been recruited for, but they’d never heard any positive comments from their manager.

    They started to worry. They were doing their best, but maybe it just wasn’t good enough.

    Were they going to lose the job? Were they going to have to go back home, humiliated, and explain the whole thing to their friends and family?

    Expecting bad news

    This was what was on their mind when they went into their annual employee review. They were expecting some pretty bad news.

    Instead, they got a promotion. And a raise. Their manager thought they were doing great. But the Danish approach to employee feedback is generally – “No news is good news”.

    You have a job, you’re doing that job, we’ll let you know if there are any problems.

    Positive feedback is uncommon in Denmark, because Danes themselves are often uncomfortable receiving compliments.

    The façade of equality

    Compliments run smack-dab into the Jante Law, which says specifically that “Don’t think that you’re better than us.”

    When you give someone a compliment, you lift them above you, if only for a moment, and that disturbs the equality, or at least the façade of equality, which is so important in Denmark.

    So compliments are not a natural thing in Denmark, either on the job or in your personal life.

    Read more at www.howtoliveindenmark.com

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    7 mins
  • Romance in Denmark
    Feb 6 2024

    Denmark’s doing a big recruitment campaign now, trying to get young professionals to bring their skills to Denmark, and a lot of them are single when they arrive.

    If they want to meet someone and don’t meet someone, and if they want a serious relationship and a family but can’t get started, they often go home again.

    So, in the name of economic development, here are my tips on romance in Denmark.

    Bringing your own dating culture

    I talk a lot in my speeches about how people bring their own work culture with them when they come to work in Denmark, but they also bring their own dating culture.

    The way you expect to meet a potential partner, to flirt, to show you’re serious, to take the relationship to the next level, these are expectations you bring with you to Denmark from your home culture.

    When you get here, you will meet Danes who have very different expectations.

    #metoo hit Denmark hard

    Dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble are one of the main ways people meet each other in Denmark these days – the other being friend circles, which as an international can take a while to get into.

    People used to meet at work, but #metoo has made a big imprint in Denmark. It’s taken down both male and female business leaders and political leaders who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves at work, or at parties after work.

    So, people are a lot more cautious around their colleagues these days.

    Lots of skin

    On dating apps, generally you’re there to show your best side – but unlike some other dating cultures, in Denmark people don’t show off their wealth, their car, their watch, or their powerful job.

    They try to show that they’re funny and down-to-Earth, that they can laugh at themselves.

    I'm on the apps myself, and I do see a lot of the Danish version of status-seeking, which is time off to travel to exotic locations and engage in extreme sports – lots of windsurfing and scuba-diving photos.

    I also see a lot of skin, which, since I’m dating in the over-40 category, isn’t always something I want to see.

    The line between sex and romance is ill-defined

    But this is the tricky part about dating here, because the line between sex and romance in Denmark isn’t very well defined.

    Some daters want to have sex right away and then decide if they’re interested in getting to know each other emotionally.

    There’s no stigma to this the way there can be in some cultures – but it can be rough on you if you’re a sensitive person who’s really just looking for love.

    “Kæreste” is a flexible term

    One thing I find interesting about the Danish language is the flexibility of the word kæreste, the Danish version of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” which translates directly to “most dear one.”

    Your kæreste can be same-sex or opposite-sex. You can have known each other for three weeks or thirty years.

    But if someone is your kæreste, it means you’re not dating anyone else. You’ll often hear Danes talk about the time they became kæreste, which is the time they committed to each other monogomously.

    You could go on and get married at some point if you like. Many people in Denmark do.

    You can certainly buy a home and have kids without being married – the Danish government will even pay for your fertility treatment. The Danes don’t see a big difference between having a committed kæreste and having had a wedding ceremony.

    Read more at howtoliveindenmark.com.

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    9 mins
  • Finding light in the Danish Winter Darkness
    Jan 10 2024

    Many internationals newly arrived in Denmark struggle with the long Danish winter.

    The darkness that starts to fall in the early afternoon means that 5pm looks just like 8pm, which looks just like midnight, which looks just like 5am.

    Dense, inky black sky.

    During the daytime there’s a dim grey light, sometimes accompanied by a soupy fog of tiny raindrops.

    It’s tough to handle - even for Danes.

    Many people living through this time in Denmark describe feeling low-energy – sløj is the very descriptive Danish term. It translates directly to “sluggish”.

    Others feel deeply depressed. Some eat too much, or drink too much. Some sleep all the time.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. Here are my tips for handling these dark months, which generally stretch from November until the end of February.

    Enjoy the brown charm of Danish winter nature

    It’s important to get outside during the brief period of light every day. Even if it’s just for 15 minutes on your lunch hour, it really helps.

    Walking in nature is wonderful this time of year if you have right clothing, in particular the right footwear. A good pair of solid boots and you can even go out when it’s icy. Don’t neglect second-hand stores in Denmark. You can usually find a lot of good winter clothes there for not very much money.

    Parks, botanical gardens, forests – they all have a certain charm this time of year. A brown, winter charm, but a charm all the same.

    The secret sauce: a project or a list with things you can check off

    Go see how the winter animals are doing. Deer parks are good, see what the deer are up to. And most Danish zoos are open year-round. Go see how happy the polar bears are when the weather is freezing!

    But my top tip for making it through the winter is a specific project, like learning how to knit, or learning how to make something out of wood, or even better, a list.

    If you have a list, you can check things off as you go along, and you get a feeling of progress as the dark months drag on.

    Read more at howtoliveindenmark.com.

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    7 mins

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