• Unconditional Parenting

  • Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
  • By: Alfie Kohn
  • Narrated by: Alfie Kohn
  • Length: 8 hrs and 41 mins
  • Unabridged Audiobook
  • Release date: 14-07-16
  • Language: English
  • Publisher: Tantor Audio
  • 4.5 out of 5 stars (39 ratings)

Regular price: £19.69

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Summary

One basic need all children have, educator Alfie Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful and largely unknown research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people.

©2005 Alfie Kohn (P)2016 Tantor

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must read

In the multitude of trends and advice on disciplining practices this book is a breath of fresh air, concentrating on principles of education. When you love your child this way is a no brainier as it does not require that you be mean or manipulative. The only but is that it is really hard work as it requires sooo much patience and often time.

5 of 5 people found this review helpful

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This book has been thought provoking and a revelation.

This audio has been so thought provoking I felt I needed to leave a review (the first I've ever written).

This audio has challenged the way I have been interacting with my child on every level. It's made me stop and think and treat my 5 year old with respect and as little human being in his own right with his own thoughts and feelings.

I'd fallen into the trap of do this, do that, do as I say and then getting cross with him when he didn't, leaving me struggling to get him to comply.

The best words of advice from this audio... talk less, listen more!

We now discuss things, work out solutions together. Explain why we are doing things or not to do things. I'm teaching my son empathy, problem solving, negotiating skills instead of teaching him to just follow rules!

We've a long way to go but Ina few short weeks we're connecting more, have less tears, life is easier and more fun!

Although a little slow to get going, do bare with it because the tools you will take away will be invaluable.

Highly recommended.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

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  • AK
  • 15-04-18

Too much criticism of 'conditional' parenting

Is there anything you would change about this book?

Less critique of other parenting styles and more positive illustrations of this style.

Has Unconditional Parenting put you off other books in this genre?

No

Which scene did you most enjoy?

Last 2 chapters were most useful

Could you see Unconditional Parenting being made into a movie or a TV series? Who would the stars be?

Could be a movie. Like pursuit of happy kids tale.

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Revolutionary

I loved this book. A sound presentation of a revolutionary method of parenting. Would highly recommend to any parent.

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Thought provoking and uplifting

If you open your mind to the worldview of Alfie Kohn presented in this book then it will change your life! Or it has for me. Rather than suggesting a parenting methodology, this book presents a parenting philosophy. It will certainly be difficult to change my actions in accordance with my new beliefs about human cognition and behaviour, but I'm excited to try!

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Refreshing

This book strongly affirms many of the principles of 'No Drama Discipline'. The approach of non judgement has definitely had a significant positive impact in our small family.

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A bit on the extreme side

The fact that the author's solution to his daughter not getting ready for school on time in the morning is to allow her to sleep in her school clothes should tell you al lot about his 'ideas' on parenting. He also seems to refer a lot to research carried out decades ago.

0 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Heather
  • 18-08-16

Best parenting book I've read!

Funny, practical, filled with anecdotes and puns between research and a lot of reality checks. It just makes scary sense. I wish the whole world could get this as a required course for having kids and getting into a relationship. The world would be a better place. No scripts for when child said A you say B, but an entire paradigm shift about what you really want your child to become and whether your immediate B will even get you there. This is a total wakeup call, even if you think you're on the right track. We parents can always learn a little more and do a little better so our kids end up stronger, more empathetic as well as independent and healthy.

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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  • Sid Horadagoda
  • 28-02-17

Eye opening, great audio.

Really enjoyed this book. Lots of studies quoted. A must read for those of us living in the west

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • nycgirl
  • 22-11-16

Pretty solid stuff here

I enjoyed it. I already had an idea as to what works for my 7 year old, but this confirms it even more. Writer isn't boring with his voice and really gives you some Ah Ha moments. Love that.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Csos
  • 06-10-16

Amazing book!

I have read tons of parenting books and this is the only one that really seems to have the best interest of the child in mind. I am more of an authoritarian parent and it has really opened up my eyes on how punishments and rewards are perceived by my children. This book has finally explained to me in a way that I can understand why not every wrong doing should have a consequence. My children are happier and so am I.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Ty and Alex
  • 05-05-18

A different, more effective lens for parenting

A wonderful change of perspective on how the traditional "common sense" approach to parenting is probably causing just as many problems as it solves.

As a father of 4 kids under age 7, Unconditional Parenting caused some uncomfortable moments of reflection. However, the overall message is optimistic and positive, and the changes in approach are easy to practice. I enthusiastically recommend this to parents of children at any age, but the earlier the better.

My only critique of the book has to do with structure, not substance. The book spends a great deal of time reviewing how common parenting practices are ineffective in creating the long-term characteristics we want in our kids (kindness, empathy, patience, persistence, Independence, etc.). The chapters are well written and well argued, but the reader must make it through half of the book being told how and why the way we parent is well intended but probably wrong before the positive approaches recommended by the author are explained in detail. As a reader/listener, this made it difficult to persevere as I questioned my self image as a good father, and I did leave the book unfinished for a long period before returning to it and finishing. The benefits of finishing are worth it, but it seems that balancing discussion of why common practices do not work with explaination of the recommended alternative practices within each chapter would, at least for me, have helped to keep me engaged and encouraged.

Great book that should be required reading for any new parent

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  • amberdallas33
  • 10-03-18

He doesn’t think much of parents

I wanted to like this book. Kohn seems to love and respect children and makes some interesting points about the dangers of dominating your child. He doesn’t seem to have the same respect for parents, however, who love and KNOW their own children. He makes a lot of good observations about the failings of modern discipline and I kept waiting to hear some ideas that would work. Instead I heard him insult religion in an arrogant and incredibly ignorant way, and draw conclusions out of thin air. He uses a mocking tone when voicing parents’ concerns and (although I admit I didn’t quite make it to the end) seems to think you can work everything out with your child simply by talking through it and saying yes as much as possible. His methods might work for some, but they certainly won’t work for all, and while I am as soft and loving a mama as it gets, I will not be treating my children as my equal any time soon. They need me and my husband to use our own wisdom drawn from experience to set boundaries and guide them into adulthood. I trust us a lot more than Alfie Kohn does.

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  • john steele
  • 18-01-18

pretty dull

Would you try another book from Alfie Kohn and/or Alfie Kohn?

This was mostly gibberish interlaced with vague clinic references and seems to have much more to do with parent trying to work out her own issues.

Would you ever listen to anything by Alfie Kohn again?

no

Would you be willing to try another one of Alfie Kohn’s performances?

no

If you could play editor, what scene or scenes would you have cut from Unconditional Parenting?

all of it

Any additional comments?

none

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  • Cliente Amazon
  • 04-09-17

essential reading for parents

Wonderfully written and passionately narrated, hopefully will help make the world a better place.
Rigorous and scientifically based, but also funny, I enjoyed it from start to end. Thank you, Alfie!

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  • Nicole
  • 28-08-17

Life changing must read

This book has transformed my view on parenting and has not only improved my relationship with my son but with all relationships in my life .

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  • Rachel
  • 02-08-17

One of the best parenting books

I have read a lot of parenting books but if I would have to pick my favorite, it would be this one. If more people would read it, our next generation would be so much better off. I can only highly recommend this book to anybody.