The Tribulation Survival Guide is for exvangelicals, spiritual misfits, and connoisseurs of dark humor. This isn’t your typical devotional—it’s a survivalist satire for anyone who’s ever questioned faith, feared the Beast, or accidentally attended a prophecy conference.

Delivered with the solemnity of a Cold War safety pamphlet and the wit of a burned-out prophet, this deadpan, government-grade field manual offers step-by-step guidance for navigating the world’s most awkward apocalypse. Whether you’ve been left behind by the Rapture—or just by organized religion—you’ll find something disturbingly familiar in the book.

From decoding Antichrist branding strategies to surviving plagues, televangelists, and HOA-controlled hellscapes, this guide blends biting satire with faux-instructional sincerity. Inside you’ll find checklists, diagnostic quizzes, heavenly bureaucracy hacks, and DIY hell décor tips (lava optional)—all designed to help you stay alive, or at least mildly amused, through the end of all things.

FOR LISTENERS CLEARED TO ENJOY DANGEROUS IDEAS

If you’ve ever second-guessed a televangelist, laughed during an apocalypse, or side-eyed the Book of Revelation with a drink in hand, you may be spiritually eligible for this book. Think The Zombie Survival Guide with more heavenly paperwork, Good Omens minus the accents but plus bingo cards, and The Screwtape Letters rewritten by a mid-level demon with a clipboard.

Filed under: Revelation Clause G-144.17b. Cleared for public distribution. Smoting optional.