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Summary

Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking audiobook, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory - the most advanced relationship science in existence today - can help us find and sustain love.

Attachment theory forms the basis for many best-selling books on the parent/child relationship, but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships - until now. Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become. Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes.

In Attached, Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: "anxious" people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. "Avoidant" people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. "Secure" people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides listeners in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mates) follow. It also offers a wealth of advice on how to navigate relationships more wisely, given a listener's attachment style and that of his or her partner. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.

©2010 Amir Levine, M.D., Rachel Heller, M.A. (P)2010 Gildan Media Corp

What members say

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Online Dating? READ THIS BOOK FIRST!

I read this book a few weeks into online dating on the best known online dating web site - which heavily advertises on TV. I had a spectacular number of unsuccessful dates and started to doubt myself. It was starting to really affect my confidence and my own attachment style was becoming more insecure. After I read this book I gained considerable insight into my dates Adult attachment styles which meant they weren't right for me anyway. When I finally met a partner I was mad about, I could explain to her how our different styles could compliment each other and develop interactions that would strengthen our relationship. I also found myself giving people some very sound advice based entirely on this book and my own observations. Thus book examines the considerable research into Adult attachment and also gives some very sound advice and strategies to strengthen relationships and avoid the relationships that would be wrong for you. I heartily recommend it as one of the best self help/psychology I have read in the last 18 months.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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    4 out of 5 stars

Great production, questionnaires missing

The book productions is great, audio quality, narration, and the pacing, clarity and pronunciation is is excellent.

However, this is a book where you will need to fill out multiple questionnaires, and although considerable thought has gone in to translating these questionnaires (which would be presented as a simple multi-row set of questions) into a narrated audio format, the book needs to be accompanied by a downloadable set of questionnaires.
If you need more time to answer a question, or listen to the instructions again on how the questionnaires work as an audio version, you'll find yourself pausing and rewinding a lot. In addition, if you wanted to repeat the questionnaires later or compare yourself with a partner, etc, you have no way of knowing which answer belongs to which questions, because you'll only note down your score. This is a serious drawback of the audioversion, and I would recommend to buy the book in print as an accompaniment or solely as a print/ebook for this reason.

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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  • Nita
  • Edinburgh, United Kingdom
  • 12-07-13

Eye opening

This book has been more useful in illuminating my relationship patterns and why I've kept repeating them than any other I've listened to. This information has helped me to let go of feelings of unworthiness and given me actual tools to work with - I'd say not just in romantic but all of my relationships. Highly recommended if you have what the authors call an anxious attachment style (and my guess is that many people who seek this kind of information do).

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Relatonships

This is a must for everyone in a relationship or about to enter a relationship. We should be thinking about the issues raised, when choosing a partner. The contents of this book are based on sound Attachment Theory and research. Everyone will recognise themselves and significant others. I'm a counsellor and it has been very helpful in understanding relationship difficulties. Excellent

P.S. Why are there so few reviews on Audible. Amazon has loads of reviews of books and I find it very helpful

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • MRS
  • Nottingham, United Kingdom
  • 13-03-12

Everyone should read this!!!

What is explained in this book, awareness of our attachment styles and our emotional needs - and that we are RIGHT to have them -, is so fundamental that it should be taught at school to teenagers! It should be made into a TV series so that everyone can be aware of and make use of this knowledge every day!

Amazing!!! AND scientifically based: How come it's not out there everywhere for everyone to learn about???

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

Life changing! Loved every chapter

The book is an absolutely eye opener! Very rare find and I am certainly going to go back and listen to it again times and times over. Recommended!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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Excellent

After listening to this audiobook I feel I need to think and behave differently in my relationships, now I know why life has been so hard for me up to now.

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Should be taught in schools

Clearly written a Cound of one of the cornerstones of modern psychology. Easy to follow and apply for both lay reader and for those experienced in applying attachment theory.

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Amazing, life changing!

This book has allowed me to see why previous relationships where so traumatic and deeply painful. I have learnt so much from this book. Thank you so much to the authors.

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Really interesting stuff

I am pretty self aware, and know the majority of my issues, yet sometimes it is good to hear discussion on things that can alter your perspective.

Recommend for anyone who seems to constantly struggle in relationships.

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    4 out of 5 stars
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  • Tamara
  • 14-09-17

Do not buy the audible version.

Any additional comments?

This book contains a gazillion quizzes and not
one is included as a PDF. The publisher should be ashamed. Do not waste money on the audible version. Purchase the book. The publisher should make the quizzes available to those who already purchased the audible version.

421 of 427 people found this review helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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  • Beth
  • 01-01-12

Need the hardcopy

This is a book with tests and handouts that need to be written in order to use it effectively.

306 of 313 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • michael
  • 16-11-11

I was constantly frustrated by family! No longer.

This a very simple book to understand. It is geared towards romantic relationships. The knowledge was easily transferred to understand all my relationships.Most important to me was learning that there are three attachment models. The secure attachment group (50% of people) get along well with the other two groups. Anxious attachment group (25% of people) and Avoidance group (25% of people). The anxious and avoidance group appear to gravitate towards each other. For reasons that are explained in book This usually equals misery for both groups. The anxious group crave intimacy especially when feeling insecure. the avoidance group crave distance and will use deactivating tactics to achieve it. There polar opposite needs in relationships can be utterly frustrating. It is so easy to see the differences now that I have listened to the book!! It almost feels like common sense. Having this new knowledge is allowing me to just walk away from needless frustration. Thank you Amir Levine and Rachel S F Hellar for making this book.

104 of 108 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Amazon's Best Customer
  • 20-01-11

Love this book

This may be the best audio book I've ever listened to out of hundreds purchased. I've listened to it twice now this week alone. It is scientifically sound and makes reference to studies on nearly every point they make.

One of the great things in this book is that it shows how our current cultures infatuation with the ideal of "independence" is nonsense. We are social animals and depend on our close group of friends, family and of our lover. I've been wondering why I couldn't live up to all the other self help books, "He's Just Not Into You" type.

One of the great concepts I got from this work is how early 20th century notions of child rearing, "let the baby cry and gain independence", still permeate our culture. This book explains that is it perfectly acceptable and reasonable to be dependent on your significant other.

Many tools are given to improving your relationships. Effective communication, assessing your own needs, etc. I can't recommend this work highly enough.

102 of 106 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Matthew
  • 25-02-12

Anyone who wants a relationship needs to read this

This book is a life changer. It basically unifies and makes coherent the seemingly random cluster of symptoms that beset a lot of relationships, much to the bewilderment of the participants.

If you want to know why your relationship / your past relationship / other people's relationships are not working, you need to read this book.

Reading this book can be an eerie experience, as you realise that seemingly insignificant or befuddling and previously inexplicable behaviours of yourself or your partner described with unnerving precision, and realise that these behaviours are explained by a coherent theory that offers both an explanation and an indication of what you can do to change your relationship and your life.

Unlike Myers-Briggs personality typing, which seems to ratify every relationship conflict as sourced in differences between divergent by equally 'valid' personality types, this book clearly identifies clusters of behaviours that are conducive to, or conversely anathema to, a successful relationship.

This book will help you identify what you might need to change about yourself, what you might need to convince your partner to try to change about themselves, and people who you need to avoid like the plague. And if your relationship works, it will give you some insight into what you're doing right.

I've already recommended this book or bought it for about 5 people. Read it.

55 of 57 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Kenneth
  • 26-02-12

Systematization of learning between 25 and 50

On the one hand this is a systematization of what you should know at 50, but probably didn’t know at 25. That said it’s an excellent book for three reasons: 1) If you look around at 50 year olds, surprisingly many of them didn’t learn all that they should have about relationships. 2) The book connects it’s insights to mainstream structures in psychology, specifically the work on attachment theory started by John Bowlby. 3) In this case the systematization seems especially valuable, creating a framework for everyday life that helps sort through much of the relationship drivel flowing from popular culture.

The book argues that attachment is at the core of adult relationships, and that different adults have distinct attachment styles. It further suggests that the analogy between adult attachment styles and the parent/child attachment style is powerful. The book summarizes these two observations by proposing three main styles: 1) avoidant (or perhaps independent), 2) secure (or perhaps altruistic), and 3) worried (or perhaps needy). Compatibility of styles leads to healthy adult attachments.

The book also suggests a hierarchy of adult compatibility: 0) passion (compatibility at this level tend to be a symptom of deeper things, mattering only in the extreme, e.g., sexual orientation), 1) logistics (compatibility at this level matters, but can typically be negotiated), 2) values (compatibility at this level is pretty core and incompatibilities here are dangerous), 3) intimacy (incompatibilities at this level probably have to be resolved for the relationship to survive).

I thought about picking this as my book of the year for 2012. I wonder if I’ll regret not doing so. Give a copy to a 25 year old; I did. It might shorten their learning process by 20 years.

57 of 61 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Cindy
  • 26-02-11

Profound Insight to Relationship Roller Coasters

Of dozens and dozens of self help, relationship and social psychology books and articles, adult attachment theory presents a very clear and recognizable picture of self and significant others.

This book could be "tough" to listen to, but necessary to grow, learn, and face the challenges of need, want, intimacy and love.

I listened to Sex at Dawn before this...and it actually was a good background for understanding human need and our species evolution .... We are hard wired for interdependence.

30 of 33 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Keren
  • 28-04-11

A breath of fresh air

This is the best books on relationships I have ever read. It's not someone's opinion or take on life, it's based on extensive scientific research that gives great validity to the theory. Whenever I read a book that's basically someone's opinion, like "He's not that into you", that's fine and interesting, but really, who's he to say. What makes him an expert? The people that wrote this have empirical data to support their claims and it FITS. It helps me explain my relationship with my ex and why it didn't work, and how, as an anxious type I confuse drama with love. It also explains why I was getting so physically sick during my relationship with my ex, because our significant others, really do effect us physically on a cell level if we are not getting what we need in the relationship. If you are trying to understand relationships with significant others, dating or getting over a breakup - get this book. If you're dating, it'll help explain when to run and when to give another chance. Best credit you'll ever spend.

43 of 48 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Paul
  • 21-06-11

Incredible insight

This book determines the root causes of issues in relationships and provides constructive suggestions for improving one's approach to romantic relationships. I find this book to be one of the most influential books I've ever read on this subject.

12 of 13 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Matt
  • 20-03-11

Valuable Read

Not easy to read but excellent information. You have to repeat some chapters again and again. When it finally makes sense, and you apply the knowledge, you can make major improvements in your marriage. It has for me.

17 of 19 people found this review helpful