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The Velvet Rage
- Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
- Narrated by: Alan Downs Ph. D
- Length: 7 hrs and 14 mins
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Summary
The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.
Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.
What listeners say about The Velvet Rage
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- H.A.B.
- 18-06-20
SHAME.....
SHAME is the keyword of this book ....
I bought this book as it sounded interesting and was recommended BUT I am very disappointed !!!
The author reads (performance) the book in a dreary voice - and it puts you asleep BUT what annoyed me most - and this Is my personal opinion!!!! - I object that one is told that all your life is based on SHAME...
The author uses the word SHAME more less in every other sentence - sometimes twice within one sentence!
All your life, all your decisions all your doings are based on SHAME
Some of the stories are rather fascinating and interesting , and in many stories of clients of the author one can find oneself - and listens fascinated BUT what puts me off is the fact that it is always interpreted with SHAME...
For someone who is OPENLY GAY and has social standing and hasn't hang-ups on his sexuality or suffers depressions, THIS BOOK IS INFURIATING!!!
Would I recommend this book- NO
Why:
The topic of this book is fascinating - and people who suffer the symptoms which the author describes need reassurance and not "pulling-down".
This is the reason why I wouldn't recommend this book to any one who seeks help or reassurance in his persona as a gay person.
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3 people found this helpful
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- Amazon Customer
- 30-05-18
Outdated, egocentric, destructive drivel.
This book was first written in a different time. This is a new edition but has failed to gather insight from recent research, from beyond the USA and relies heavily on anecdotal evidence of one therapists experience. It is dense with generalisations - often assertions for the mass based on individual cases, grandiose and absolute statements and hyperbole. I can hold these aberrations, but I would warn younger people learning about sexuality to seek more balanced and high quality literature in their quest.
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2 people found this helpful
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- Alex
- 13-11-21
A great source of comfort
This has helped me understand and come to terms with many struggles and traumas. I read reviews from some people who talk about the book's gay stereotypes and middle class angles. But this, for me, didn't remotely prevent me from being able to draw from its therapeutic qualities. I'd recommend this book to all gay men. I wish I'd read/listened to this years ago.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Amazon Customer
- 20-10-21
Profound and Life Changing
This is one book that has completely altered my lens on life and it is revolutionary!
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1 person found this helpful
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- J-London
- 16-10-21
Overwhelmingly meaningful
I relate to almost every part of this book, as I search for my own authentic life Alan’s stories and knowledge has made me feel that I’m not alone and that there’s hope once we understand the affects that toxic shame has in the life of most if not all gay men. I highly recommend it and it’s no wonder it’s been labelled “the gay bible” by many.
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1 person found this helpful
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- David
- 15-09-19
Opinionated, outdated pap.
Within about five minutes of starting this book the author had annoyed me. “Gay men are uniquely placed...” so my lesbian sister isn’t included when talking of compassion.
No thanks.
Maybe this book had something to offer when published, but I don’t think it does any more.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Kindle Customer
- 25-04-17
If your gay, you need this.
I loved this. It was interesting the whole way through. And there is invaluable advise you can cherish for years to come. It can be tough being gay, but it doesn't have to be.
I always had a feeling there was something wrong with me. Something missing. This book validates and highlights that thing that was missing. I hope all the best to anyone that gets this book. And that they work to find the peace they deserve.
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1 person found this helpful
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- lianghh
- 29-07-15
Depressing!
If this book wasn’t for you, who do you think might enjoy it more?
Gay men of older generation and those of the upper class might perhaps more identify with what life the author profiles. As a private psychologist, he obviously only sees highly paying patients. But even then, I question the sweeping statements made by the author of what he thinks is typical for gay men.
What was most disappointing about Alan Downs’s story?
I thought this would be a book that guides one to how to cope better with various fates that being gay seems to attract but instead it seems that the author wallows in misery and 2/3 through the book I feel worse about being gay than before.
How did the narrator detract from the book?
The narrator's mellow voice adds to the feeling of misery
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1 person found this helpful
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- A Prince Tavira
- 25-09-13
Interesting BUT very flawed in presumptuousness
What could have made this a 4 or 5-star listening experience for you?
The demographic Alan Downs celebrates throughout his pages, are very rich A list gay men. He talks about shame, but manages to shame many readers with the 'normality' of their lives that are nothing like his consulting room in Santa Fe! Frustrating generalisations about gay life, no discussion on gender aspects, differences, diversity and though interesting and some good theory, just too insipid and American at times!
For a British audience and worldwide audience and for many in America, the assumption of the 'prevalence' of the Pink Pound and snobbery is hard to bear at points.
What was your reaction to the ending? (No spoilers please!)
No ending, but the model though based on CBT is interesting, but seems to get twisted for an American audience. If based on mindfulness, I've listened to far better CBT/ mindfulness based books. Yes a lot of the stereotypes are true and are brave, but it all seems a little glib and boastful.
You didn’t love this book--but did it have any redeeming qualities?
Yes, despite it flaws a good listen, but at moments irksome and hard to identify with. Nevertheless an important book to make your mind up over.
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1 person found this helpful
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- 3rdTwin
- 15-03-24
Glad I stuck with it
I wasn’t sure if I would get through this book in the beginning, but glad that I did, I just had to be ready for it. The book was recommended to me by a friend. I enjoyed the narrator’s voice he was easy to listen to. The book was insightful and resonated with me and my past experiences or things that I see in other people’s lives. I could go on & on but I do believe the book is something you should read/listen to and make your own judgement. It is one I would recommend.
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