8.45 P.M. Realise there have been so many times in my life when have fantasised about going to a scan with Mark or Daniel: just not both at the same time. Before motherhood before marriage Bridget with biological clock ticking very, very loudly finds herself unexpectedly pregnant at the eleventh hour: a joyful pregnancy which is dominated however by a crucial but terribly awkward question - who is the father?
"Has Bridget gone as far as she can go?"
If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? Which is exactly what the crew of the Heart of Gold plan to do. There's just the small matter of escaping the Vogons, avoiding being taken to the most totally evil world in the Galaxy and teaching a space ship how to make a proper cup of tea. And did anyone actually make a reservation?
"Not as good as HHGTTG"
Daft Wee Stories is Limmy's first book. It is a collection of stories. There are short stories. There are longer stories. There are stupid stories. There are thoughtful stories. There are upside-down stories. There are normal-way-up stories. There are weird stories. There are less weird stories. There are really weird stories. There is nothing else like it. Have a listen.
"Vast collection of funny stories"
Better Than Life finds the crew trapped in a mind-boggling computer game that is threatening their lives and safety of the ship. One by one, they enter the game to rescue each other - and one by one, they become trapped! Holly will have to use his mega brain to solve this one.
"Excellent Sci-Fi, but..."
Meet Zoe and Greg Milton, a married couple who have let themselves go a bit. Zoe was a stunner in her college days, but the intervening decades have added five stone, and removed most of her self-esteem. Greg's rugby-playing days are well and truly behind him, thanks to countless pints of beer and chicken curry. When Elise, a radio DJ and Zoe's best friend, tells them about a new competition, it seems like the perfect opportunity to turn their lives around.
In consequence of a number of stunning catastrophes, Arthur Dent is surprised to find himself living in a hideously miserable cave on prehistoric Earth. However, just as he thinks that things cannot get possibly worse, they suddenly do. He discovers that the Galaxy is not only mind-boggingly big and bewildering but also that most of the things that happen in it are staggeringly unfair.
Traumatized by the bombing of Dresden at the time he had been imprisoned, Pilgrim drifts through all events and history, sometimes deeply implicated, sometimes a witness. He is surrounded by Vonnegut's usual large cast of continuing characters (notably here the hack science fiction writer Kilgore Trout and the alien Tralfamadorians, who oversee his life and remind him constantly that there is no causation, no order, no motive to existence).
"Worth every penny"
Sitting quietly in his room in an old people's home, Allan Karlsson is waiting for a party he doesn't want to begin: his one-hundredth birthday party. Escaping through his bedroom window, into the flowerbed, Allan makes his getaway. And so begins his picaresque and unlikely journey involving criminals, several deaths, a suitcase full of cash, and incompetent but very human police.
Abi's left inconsolable when Joseph dumps her, saying they are incompatible. When Joseph returns a box of her possessions, she finds a bucket list of 10 things. What better way to win him back than by completing the list? But Abi's terrified of heights - not ideal when the list includes abseiling down a building. Completing the list is going to need all Abi's courage, but as she heals her broken heart one task at a time, the newly confident Abi might just have a surprise in store....
There is a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. It's not an easy thing to do and Arthur Dent thinks he's the only human who's been able to master this nifty little trick - until he meets Fenchurch, the girl of his dreams. Fenchurch knows how the world could be made a good and happy place. Unfortunately she's forgotten. Convinced that the secret lies within God's Final Message to His Creation they go in search of it. And in a dramatic break with tradition - actually find it....
Penguin presents the unabridged, downloadable audiobook edition of About a Boy by Nick Hornby, read by Stephen Mangan. Nick Hornby's second best-selling novel is about sex, manliness and fatherhood. Will is 36, comfortable and child-free. And he's discovered a brilliant new way of meeting women - through single-parent groups. Marcus is 12 and a little bit nerdish: he's got the kind of mother who made him listen to Joni Mitchell rather than Nirvana.
Is it a break? Or is it a blip? Liv and Adam are in love. Liv and Adam are supposed to be getting engaged. Until Adam accidently suggests they take a break. And Liv starts thinking.... Friends, family and bystanders all have opinions, and one complication leads to another as Adam and Liv try to muddle through in this hilarious, heartwarming comedy. Are they split up - or are they on a break? What exactly are they allowed to get away with? And, most importantly, what do Liv and Adam really want?
There are reasons we fear the dark. Bill Ryder...isn't one of them. Gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - The Tome of Bill is the tale of an unlikely hero trying to survive in a world of undead horrors. Despite awesome supernatural powers, loyal allies, and an attitude the size of Brooklyn, the odds are still stacked heavily against him. Bill Ryder must fulfill his destiny and save the world from the ancient terrors that threaten it - all while trying to work up the nerve to ask out the girl of his dreams.
What happens when the haggling is done and the shops are closed? When the quest has been given, the steeds saddled, and the adventurers are off to their next encounter? They keep the world running, the food cooked, and the horses shoed, yet what adventurer has ever spared a thought or concern for the Non-Player Characters? In the town of Maplebark, four such NPCs settle in for a night of actively ignoring the adventurers drinking in the tavern when things go quickly and fatally awry.
One day, sitting in traffic, Stella Sweeney attempts a good deed. The resulting car crash changes her life. But in this event is born the seed of something which will take Stella thousands of miles from her old life, turning an ordinary woman into a superstar, wrenching her whole family apart. For the first time real, honest-to-goodness happiness is just within her reach. But is Stella Sweeney, Dublin housewife, ready to grasp it?
"Not One Of Her Best"
Berlin, Summer 2011. Adolf Hitler wakes up on a patch of open ground, alive and well. Things have changed - no Eva Braun, no Nazi party, no war. Hitler barely recognises his beloved Fatherland, filled with immigrants and run by a woman. People certainly recognise him, albeit as a flawless impersonator who refuses to break character. The unthinkable, the inevitable happens, and the ranting Hitler goes viral, becomes a YouTube star, gets his own T.V. show, and people begin to listen.
"The man who relinquished his wonderful trousers"
Sherlock Holmes is an unparalleled genius. Warlock Holmes is an idiot. A font of arcane power, certainly. But he's brilliantly dim. Frankly, he couldn't deduce his way out of a paper bag. The only thing he has really got going for him are the might of 1,000 demons and his stalwart companion. Thankfully, Dr. Watson is always there to aid him through the treacherous shoals of Victorian propriety and save him from a gruesome death every now and again.
Gary Karkofsky is an ordinary guy with an ordinary life living in an extraordinary world. Supervillains, heroes, and monsters are a common part of the world he inhabits. Yet, after the death of his hometown's resident superhero, he gains the amazing gift of the late champion's magical cloak. Deciding he prefers to be rich rather than good, Gary embarks on a career as Merciless: The Supervillain Without Mercy. But is he evil enough to be a villain in America's most crime-ridden city?
"Well it made me laugh"
It's 1997. Adrian, 30, is a chef at an up-market restaurant, selling down-market food for ridiculous prices. There, the only person who seems to notice he can't cook is AA Gill. But problems abound when, in a fit of madness, he agrees to become a TV chef on the show Offally Good.
The perfect summer romance from the author of A Christmas Tail. Perfect for fans of Sarah Morgan and Holly Martin. Summer Freeman returns to the waterside village of Willowbeck to rescue the Canal Boat Café, her late mother's picturesque narrowboat, which has run into choppy waters. A family friend, Valerie, has been trying to keep things afloat, but the coffee machine is jammed, the cake offerings are paltry, and not all of the locals want to see the café succeed.
This short story is the perfect introduction to best-selling author Virginia Smith's latest series, Tales from the Goose Creek B&B. Set in the years before the Richardsons launch their bed and breakfast scheme, the quirky residents of the small Kentucky town are all in a tizzy over the upcoming Fall Festival. Alison, Al and Millie's headstrong daughter, astounds everyone with the news that she's getting married - in three weeks - to a Colombian!
The Maze Runner just got hilarious! When Thomas wakes up in a dark elevator, he has no idea where he is, or even who he is! But he soon finds out he's trapped in a giant maze with 50 dudes and no chicks. That's right, no chicks. Welcome to the Sausage Fest. The Maze Bummer is the hilarious new parody of The Maze Runner, written by top parody author Steve Lookner (Saturday Night Live, The Harvard Lampoon).
This story is about a man whose desperation for love drove him to a shady mail order bride agency from the country of Russia. This brief tale shares his gruesome story. His name was John and the only thing he ever wanted was love and companionship, but what he got was a total nightmare.
Five year-old Bonanza's mother tells her to "keep digging" as she buries her dolls and ultimately herself. The dead poet Robert Lowell reappears as a high school student. Meanwhile, at a butterfly farm, the protagonist dishes up some unconventional environmental justice. Even the ones who kill with oil spills have a voice in this bizarre primer of the exquisite, the mundane, and the insane.
In the third mission of the hilarious Platoon F series, a space probe that was sent out 500 years ago has returned...sort of. It's actually a copy of the original model of The SSMC Voyeur, which begs the question: What happened to the original craft?
Roger Folger, age 61, recently lost his wife, Stella, but her spirit hasn't wandered far. In an all-too-earthly way, Roger converses at will with her disembodied voice in the privacy of the home they shared for many years, and you can bet Stella talks back. Roger fills her in on the latest about their kids and neighbors, while she tells Roger what heaven's like - picture the Ritz-Carlton in Florida, managed by Saint Peter. Stella worries that Roger is lonely, and decides that he needs a new woman in his life.
This is a short tale about life in the Appalachian Mountains in the 1800s. It entails the hardships of lonely mountain men and a beautiful red-headed woman with the body of a duck.
Gogol's phantasmagorical tale about a man whose nose decides to abscond and begin living a life of its own is one of the earliest and most celebrated examples of absurdist literature. Apart from its recondite humor, it is remarkable for Gogol's skill in characterization and his ability to paint a picture of contemporary life in Russia in a few verbal brushstrokes.
Lucy Peckham has one big problem - Christmas! Every December 25th brings Lucy the gift of pain, illness, or embarrassment of one sort or another. Steve Andrews was there to bear witness to Lucy's first humiliating Christmas back when they were both children together. Now that they're adults, will the tides finally turn for Lucy, or will this be her worst Christmas ever?
The hilly terrain next to the old Sprocket house that Meg Langslow and her fiancé, Michael, are refurbishing is the perfect location for an extreme croquet field - even the legs of cows and sheep are convenient extra wickets. Croquet has become all the rage in Caerphilly...until it appears someone in town has taken the rage a bit too literally. While stumbling down a steep bank after her ball, Meg encounters the body of a fresh female corpse with a mallet-sized dent in her head.
Abraham Koyfman is a widower of nine months. He works from home selling subliminal self-help tapes for a questionable doctor he found in an ad in the back of a magazine. His meager retirement is enough now that he's alone and Abraham is ready to quit his job - a task proving to be difficult due to the company's tactics. The combination of grief and the lack of empathy from his adult children have him ready to quit life, also.
What is more heartwarming than looking at children cuddling with animals with happy expressions on their faces.
Here it is - the audiobook based on the elite collection of spine tinglers first shared in the first season of the world famous Clam Simmons Audiobook Podcast. Once distilled into audio morsels to be plugged in to fairly clean ear holes, this collection of Kansas City spine tinglers are now presented in a way that is pleasing to the most severe earholes. But beware, to those who dare marvel at their grandeur - top ghost scientists agree that they are the scariest stories in the history of the world.
Aaron thinks genre fiction is an affront to the fiction-writing craft. He often quotes the essayist Arthur Krystal, who says literary fiction "melts the frozen sea inside of us". Ironically Aaron doesn't seem to realize that he's emotionally frozen. The vivacious Laurie, lover of flamingo-patterned attire and all things hot pink, is the one person who might be capable of melting him.
A woman returns home for another night of unrelenting torment from her rowdy neighbor. While settling in, she not only discovers that he's throwing a wild party but also that her apartment isn't quite the way she left it. Could her neighbor be responsible? If so, for what reason? This story is the first of a series of lost urban legends.
*My name is Ellis DeAngelo.* I tend to get caught in the midst of trouble quite often. I'm an unlucky guy, but fortunate to have friends to help me out. These aren't the memoirs of a geisha you'll be hearing. And most definitely not some soul-searching discovery that depicts eating, praying, and loving. This is so much better...or worse, depending on your perspective.
This is a story about forbidden love between Abraham Lincoln and a Sasquatch.
Wilt Fusarium, a clueless American ad executive, unwittingly finds himself in the middle of political intrigue and revolution on the tiny island of Costa San Rica, while trying to save the ad agency's Choad Banana account. Complications and misunderstandings abound, as the island's despot leader thinks Wilt is a revolutionary, the revolutionaries think he's a government agent, the banana company thinks he's CIA, and the CIA, well, they don't know what to think.
Meat My Uncle is a story about a boy who has a wild imagination and talks about his weird family and their wild adventure!
Meet Dr. Nancy Beach, a relationship counselor who hosts a local radio show called Love's a Beach. One problem: The relationship guru can't seem to make her own relationships work, sending her credibility and ratings into the toilet. Meet Jacob Cope, a walking thesaurus of phobias, a Lehman Brothers casualty who's lost his job and swagger and now yearns to be a ventriloquist. When Nancy and Jacob are set up on a blind date and hit it off, their siblings, desperate to be rid of them, encourage the young couple to move in together.
Now in audio for the first time, Without Feathers is narrated by Woody Allen himself. Here they are: 16 of the funniest tales and ruminations ever recorded, by one of the great comic minds of our time. From "The Whore of Mensa", to "Fabulous Tales & Mythical Beasts", to "No Kaddish for Weinstein", old and new Allen fans will laugh themselves silly over these sparkling gems.
What's a little arson between friends? Undercover CIA agent Fortune Redding spent her first three weeks in Sinful, Louisiana, dodging insults, makeup advice, guard dogs, bullets, and Deputy Carter Trahan, both professionally and personally. But just when she thinks things are going to settle down in the small bayou town, someone sets her friend Ally's house on fire. Carter, who'd just started pursuing Fortune on a personal basis, goes back into cop mode and admonishes her to stay out of his investigation.
Breakfast of Champions (1973) provides frantic, scattershot satire and a collage of Vonnegut's obsessions. His recurring cast of characters and American landscape was perhaps the most controversial of his canon; it was felt by many at the time to be a disappointing successor to Slaughterhouse-Five, which had made Vonnegut's literary reputation.
"malkovich is fantastic"
Go the F--k to Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. California Book Award-winning author Adam Mansbach's profane, affectionate, and radically honest verses perfectly capture the familiar - and unspoken - tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
"The Ideal Parenting Tool"
Reginald Iolanthe Perrin, the creation of comedy genius David Nobbs, is surely one of the best-loved comedy heroes of our time - in both literature and television. So it is with great pride that Audible presents Reggie's escapades in digital audio for the very first time: we invite you to join him, and the memorable supporting characters who help him along the way, on one man's quest to avoid an everyday existence.
Crazy Rich Asians is the outrageously funny debut novel about three super-rich, pedigreed Chinese families and the gossip, backbiting, and scheming that occurs when the heir to one of the most massive fortunes in Asia brings home his ABC (American-born Chinese) girlfriend to the wedding of the season. When Rachel Chu agrees to spend the summer in Singapore with her boyfriend, Nicholas Young, she envisions a humble family home, long drives to explore the island, and quality time with the man she might one day marry.
Where the art of improvisation meets the art of literature. Based on the improv game First Line, Last Line, Colin Mochrie of Whose Line Is It Anyway? fame, puts a unique spin on works of classic literature. Taking the first line and last line from classic books and poems, Colin recasts these familiar stories in his own trademark offbeat style.
Bleak Expectations' recounts the remarkable adventures of young Pip Bin as he tries to repair his destroyed family and distinctly damaged life, aided by his best friend Harry Biscuit and definitely not aided by his cruel and ironically named guardian Mr Gently Benevolent and his accomplices, the fearsome Hardthrasher siblings.
"Not what you expect"
"An opportunity spurned"
In a room above a bizarre German museum lives the Old Man. Caretaker of the museum by day, by night he enjoys the sound of silence, broken by the occasional crunch of a spider between his blackened teeth. Little Hands Clapping brings together the Old Man with the respectable Doctor Ernst Frohlicher, his greedy dog Hans, and a cast of grotesque and hilarious townsfolk, all of whose lives are thrown together as the town uncovers a crime so outrageous that it will shock the world.
"Curious, dark, creepy and delightful."
On a cold morning in Grimsby, Albert Hardcastle wakes up to the first day of his retirement. His days of working in a shop are behind him, and he and his wife, Alice, decide to celebrate by taking the luxury cruise of which they always dreamed. Meanwhile, on the Essex coast, Rear Admiral Sir Benbow Harrington, a retired Royal Navy officer, is trying to assemble a fleet of passenger ships. His newest vessel, the Golden Handshake, is ready for its maiden voyage.
Kevin Kwan, best-selling author of Crazy Rich Asians, is back with a wickedly funny new novel of social climbing, secret e-mails, art-world scandal, lovesick billionaires and the outrageous story of what happens when Rachel Chu, engaged to marry Asia's most eligible bachelor, discovers her birth father. On the eve of her wedding to Nicholas Young, heir to one of the greatest fortunes in Asia, Rachel should be over the moon.
"Story as good as the first - Audio edited poorly."
Now, available in audio for the first time, Side Effects is narrated by Woody Allen himself. A humor classic by one of the world's funniest writers, Side Effects is a treat for Allen fans and those just discovering how gifted he is. In classics including "Remembering Needleman", "The Kugelmass Episode", "Confessions of a Burglar", and others, Allen discusses such subjects as the nature of relativity, the UFO menace, and the predicament of modern man.
"Typical Woody - laugh out loud"
Dawn is still in love with Hank, who dumped her for Christine - and they're living together now. Then Mike Blitsky - proprietor of a transvestite escort service - bursts into Dawn's life when she becomes the editor of a tell-all memoir he's writing to pay for his legal defense. Unbeknownst to Dawn, Hank is Mike's lawyer, defending him against charges of running a male prostitution ring. With everyone working at cross purposes, the result is a modern day comedy of errors that doesn't wind up until the wedding bouquet goes flying in the final scene.
Called "our finest black-humorist" by The Atlantic Monthly, Kurt Vonnegut was one of the most influential writers of the 20th century. Now his first and last works come together for the first time in print, in a collection aptly titled after his famous phrase, We Are What We Pretend To Be.
For the first time ever, hear Woody Allen's Mere Anarchy in the author's own distinctive and hilarious voice. Here, in his first short-story collection since his three classics Getting Even, Without Feathers, and Side Effects, Allen has managed to write a book that answers the most profound questions of human existence.
"It's Woody Allen!"
Woody Allen's early comic fiction was heavily influenced by the zany, pun-ridden humor of S.J. Perelman. And now, for the first time, Woody Allen narrates one of his early collections of short stories, Getting Even. Listen to Woody Allen revenge himself on such significant subjects as death, obesity, organized crime, the invention of the sandwich, and much more.
LoveStar, the enigmatic and obsessively driven founder of the LoveStar corporation, has unlocked the key to transmitting data via birdwaves, thus freeing mankind from wires and devices, and allowing consumerism, technology, and science to run rampant over all aspects of daily life. Cordless modern men and women are paid to howl advertisements at unsuspecting passers-by, REGRET machines eliminate doubt over roads not taken, soul mates are identified and brought together (while existing, unscientifically validated relationships are driven remorselessly asunder), and rocketing the dead into the sky becomes both a status symbol and a beautiful, cathartic show.
Two childhood friends from Scotland and two illegitimate half-brothers from the deep South suffer and enjoy all manner of bizarre adventures that, it turns out, are somehow interconnected and, even more surprisingly, meaningful. The eclectic cast of characters features Socrates, Carl Jung, and Tony Randall, along with an ex-television evangelist with a penchant for booze, prostitutes, and uncomfortable knitwear who gets mugged in Miami by an almost pure-blooded Watusi warrior - and sets off on a road trip in a stolen motor home.