In this chapter, we join Alan as he attempts to engage his broad fanbase, by inviting them to ‘ask me anything’. But this isn’t your regular, shameless celebrity Q&A to plug an upcoming book release; Alan won’t stoop to the grubby depths that some so-called celebs do (e.g. Nick Knowles). With nothing off the table, we get to know the real Alan in this unflinchingly honest exposé.
Does he like dogs? Where does he get his shoes from? How would he deal with a terrorist? That’s easy: he’d kick them in the balls so hard, that they would collapse.
As the Tweets and questions trickle in, we gain indispensable insight into Alan’s life and the inner workings of a uniquely brilliant mind. Has he ever been to Northern Ireland? No, he hasn’t. This is sensational stuff, people.
The questions turn to Alan’s favourite secret agent, and he paints his vision for the next Bond: Firewall. A crowd-pleasing, dynamic duo consisting of Idris Elba and Tom Hiddleston: if you don’t like one, you’ve got the other. As always, Alan is getting Bond right.
The questioning comes to an abrupt close, as Alan receives a barrage of inflammatory queries from his internet troll, High Noon, including a challenge to the fidelity of his native Norwich accent. Alan is resolute in defence of his deviation from his Norfolk accent as an adaptation to not just survive, but thrive, in British broadcasting. Alan goes so far as to recount how he attempted to tutor Bernard Matthews to overcome his linguistic yod-dropping. Bootiful.
